Knocked Up

I was late. I’ve been late before. A few days here and there. I never usually worry too much because my cycle can be off by a couple of days. Paul always jokes, “Are you pregnant?” and we chuckle and say, “Definitely not.” I also can’t be on birth control because of my high blood pressure. Over the last 18 years, we’ve just used “the pull out” method, which my OBGYN will consistently give me that look, “Sarah, you really should look into an IUD or use condoms.” I didn’t want to put in an IUD. One of my co-workers had one and it got lost inside of her. That didn’t sound like a pleasant experience. Of course, about 4 months after Paul learns about my affair, I am late, 4 or 5 days, and decide to take a pregnancy test. There’s no way I’m pregnant. I thought Paul didn’t even cum inside me and it’s never happened like this before unless we were purposely trying to conceive, which thankfully has been successful three times. I mean we have been having sex pretty frequently, about 3 times a week. I stopped at the pharmacy on my way home from work and took the test right away. The screen flashed for a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. “Yes,” it said. Holy shit! I was pregnant.

What was God trying to do to us?! We didn’t want to have any more children and we were already going through one of the most difficult times in our relationship. Well, God was definitely testing us, once more. We both agreed that a baby was not something we could handle, especially with my health issues and the fact that we already have three beautiful amazing children. I had a surgical abortion when I was 19. Damn, did I have to go through this again? My body was in shock. Paul said he would support the decision. I collected myself and my thoughts and decided to call to make an appointment as soon as possible for a medical abortion. It was so early on in the pregnancy that I figured that it wouldn’t be too bad to handle. I was nervous and scared making that phone call, but I did it. It was necessary for my well-being and the well-being of our family. It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was the right decision for us.

Needless to say that’s what’s been going on these last couple of weeks. Paul said one of our biggest strengths is our resilience. I think that’s an understatement. If we can get through an affair and now this, we can get through anything. We are meant to be together, we are here for each other no matter what and we will do whatever we need to do to protect our family and our peace.

Inasmuch as we are already going through one elephantine event - neither of us expected another one. I truly believe that our intentions at this point, though awkward and uncomfortable some of the time, are relatively positive. Especially when you consider the backdrop against which our lives are now playing out. We are certainly putting in the work, as our therapists will say. This includes in the bedroom. The outcome here is that Sarah recently became pregnant.    

The decision to not go through with this pregnancy was not an easy one. I suddenly felt a new and heightened  degree of emotional, mental and spiritual empathy for Sarah’s having gone through this once before I met her and now twice when thinking of the physical toll something like this has taken on her body. We decided our family was big enough. We decided that Sarah’s age (not to mention mine) and health - and what she endured during our last two pregnancies was also something to be strongly considered. As I presented in our last post, my greatest fear is losing Sarah. Her affair made it feel at times like that had already happened. 

We were dealing with Sarah’s infidelity, but we were acting with fidelity and support for each other in the way we went about this decision. I regret not being able to be by Sarah’s side during two doctor visits but we decided it would be best for me to be with our three beautiful children during violin lessons and other outings and errands. 

Since this happened I made an appointment with a urologist for a vasectomy consultation. I definitely never thought I would be willingly allowing something sharp near my balls but I don’t want us to have to worry, so I figured I would look into it. I know others who have done it and it doesn't seem like there’s much to it. I’m wondering if any of our readers have had this done and might be able to share their experiences.

Everything happens for a reason. Well, at least that’s what I believe. I believe that this affair was supposed to happen. Sarah needed a wake up call. She needed to learn how to communicate her emotions. She needed to build a deeper relationship with Paul full of respect and honesty. How about this pregnancy? What was God trying to tell us? The eerie part about this is that the baby would have been conceived around the anniversary of Sarah’s dad’s death and the due date was her late mother’s birthday. Maybe it was just a sign from above. Who knows, but Sarah and Paul made the right decision for themselves and their family. Who are we to judge?

7 Essential Questions for Building a Deeper Relationship

1 - What is something you always wanted to share with your partner (like an insecurity or fantasy) that you never did?

Lately Sarah has shared that she is jealous about the relationships I build with others. At first, this might seem comical given what has happened but it bothers her so it sort of bothers me too. It has made me a bit uncomfortable in my own skin because I am used to engaging with people in general and particularly since we work in the service of others, I believe it's important to build meaningful relationships. I believe this has made me a successful teacher and school leader. I truly believe that this is something we will have to communicate more and more about so that we can both get clarity on this going forward. 

2 - What is one thing you would want to change about our relationship?

Sarah’s affair (obviously). I think it is critical for us to continue to develop our communication skills. Nothing can be off the table. Even if it gets messy it must be discussed - maybe the messier the better.  

3 - What is our greatest strength?

Resilience seems like an appropriate response. We are definitely gritty and know how to roll with the big punches in life. Prior to Sarah’s affair, we had already endured quite a bit of life’s big moments. From the birth of children to the death of family members. From attaining advanced college degrees to running marathons to major health issues. We always come out of it stronger and even if it doesn’t always feel like it, we will get up from this biggest of punches too.  

4 - What are you most insecure about?

I get stressed and frustrated over being taken advantage of. It seems to happen in my professional life a lot because I am good at what I do and I am always willing to help to get things done. I enjoy helping people but I think I could advocate for myself a bit more. 

I never thought I’d be taken advantage of in this way within my marriage - not ever. It completely defies what I’ve always understood marriage, or any healthy relationship for that matter to be. When I married Sarah I can say that on that day, I knew that this would be the strongest of bonds and a source of positivity and energy for the rest of our days. 

It creates a lot of anxiety for me both because I truly never thought this type of pain was possible for us and I didn’t see it coming at all. I try to channel these feelings in a way that provides momentum to get stronger in every way possible because I refuse to live like a victim. 

I think I also feel a degree of shame from the public view of me now. I feel like people think there is something wrong with me because Sarah looked for happiness somewhere else or people think I am someone who is okay with what happened. My goals here aren’t really all that complex and it's something I (and we) will have to endure, I suppose but I am simply a guy who loves his wife and wants to keep his family together and healthy.    

5 - What is one of your favorite memories of us together?

It’s funny that this is the first thing I think about. I’m thinking of how Sarah dropped me off to take one of my teacher certification tests. Maybe it was 2005? I went in with my No. 2 pencils, ID, etc. As I made sure I had nothing that I shouldn’t have in what was sure to be cargo shorts, she went and got my car washed - complete with a new air freshener. 

My red 1991 Mazda MX6 never looked better with Sarah sitting in the driver’s seat as I stepped out of the testing center into the hot sun and walked across the parking lot to get into the car. She greeted me with a kiss and lunch.  

6 - What is one of the best things that your partner has ever said or done for you?

Nowadays, we playfully propose to each other - sort of a temperature check on that moment’s feelings. The original proposal, however, had to be the best, of course. Back in that early part of 2006, the plan was to do this on a snow covered mountain while skiing. Instead, it happened a couple of days after that at the end of a drive to the north shore of Long Island on what became a February day at the beach. We went to Thomas’s Ham and Eggery in Carle Place after and, though I can’t remember what we ate (most likely a egg white omelet for me and pancakes for Sarah), I can tell you that it was the best tasting food I’ve ever had - because she had said yes.  

7 - What is the number one thing you stress about or your number one fear?

My number one fear is losing Sarah.

1 - What is something you always wanted to share with your partner (like an insecurity or fantasy) that you never did?

I think everything is out in the open now with Paul and I so there is nothing left I feel I need to share with him. Even though I know it’s silly, I am definitely insecure about my body compared to models or porn stars. As a kid, I was always teased about being flat chested and I was always very skinny. I couldn’t help it and I’ve always struggled to gain weight. I had a fast metabolism and it was genetic. Throughout my life, I’ve always heard, “You’re so skinny!” or “Wow, you’re in such great shape, you’re so lucky!” or “Shut up! People would kill to look like you.” In middle school, the school nurse thought I was anorexic and called my mother to see what I was eating for lunch. My mother was infuriated. “How dare you single out my daughter like that!” That’s just the way my body was. So I’ve always wanted to have a more voluptuous and curvy body. I know Paul loves my body, but it is something I personally have felt insecure about all my life.

2 - What is one thing you would want to change about our relationship?

I would want to go back in time and never have the affair. I wish I could’ve learned how to express my emotions and feelings better at an earlier stage in our relationship. I would want to not be afraid and be able to be totally honest with Paul from the beginning and not feel judged or ashamed of my past actions.

3 - What is our greatest strength?

Our greatest strength is our soulful connection and our ability to “just be.” We accept each other for who we are, we enjoy doing everything together and we love each other unconditionally. We make a great team when it comes to raising our three beautiful children, we help each other around the house and we keep each other balanced. We can just hold each other’s hand, just watch a favorite TV show together or just go for a drive and be content.

4 - What are you most insecure about?

I am most insecure about myself and what I did to Paul. I am insecure about my inability to express myself sometimes and I am insecure about the emotional relationships Paul may share with coworkers even when he is just being himself and doesn’t mean to make me jealous.

5 - What is one of your favorite memories of us together?

One of my favorite memories of Paul and I was when we traveled from Nice to Paris, France in a couchette on a 12 hour train ride. It was disgustingly hot, the train got delayed, there were other people in our cabin and we had barely any room. All we had was a pitcher of wine, a deck of cards, our video camera and our one person luggage pack. It was brutal, but hysterical at the same time. We just laughed and enjoyed each other’s company and made the best of an uncomfortable situation, while on one of the many travel adventures we have shared.

6 - What is one of the best things that your partner has ever said or done for you?

Paul has given me a second chance at our marriage and a second chance at becoming the best wife and mother I can be. I also enjoy when Paul will voluntarily take off my shoes after a long day, start to massage my feet or make me a cup of tea. I enjoy the little things that help me relax.

7 - What is the number one thing you stress about or your number one fear?

After experiencing this horrific ordeal of going through the affair, getting caught, being blasted out to coworkers, and learning of the horrendous after effects on Paul and myself, not much stresses me out or scares me anymore to be honest when it comes to our relationship. The affair is over and done with and I refuse to take anything for granted anymore and I am determined not to stress over the small things in my life. The only thing I worry about are our children in general. I hope they are always healthy and happy and I hope they can always count on Paul and I to be there for them no matter what. I am also afraid that one day I may have to have my spleen removed due to splenomegaly. If that occurs, I will need infusions of immunoglobulin g in order to protect my body from infections, something which my dad needed to survive his whole life.

Diving into the depths of our insecurities and fears is a healthy part of building deeper relationships with our significant others. By answering these questions, we get to stop and reflect for a moment on what is truly important to us as both individuals and as partners. Encourage your mate to answer these questions and then share each other’s responses with one another. Be open and honest and see where these open lines of communication take you…

Closing Time

“I’m sure it is evident by the current situation, but I want to make it clear that you are to never contact me again. I will never contact you again either. I apologize for all that has transpired and never thought about the horrific consequences of our actions. I apologized to Lauren as well and am working hard everyday to be a better person and loving honest wife to Paul because I love my family.”

I left it up to Paul to decide if he wanted me to send a closure message to Brad. I strongly felt that as soon as the affair revelation occurred, any contact between Brad and I would cease immediately. Deep down, I knew both of us knew that this relationship was going nowhere, had no real purpose and we didn’t want to hurt each other’s families intentionally. I unblocked Brad just to send this message. I also asked Paul’s opinion about it before I sent it and he agreed that it was appropriate and to the point. I kept Brad unblocked for a few hours after the message was sent, but I did not receive a response. That was October 18, 2022, almost 3 months ago now. It’s funny that I did apologize to Brad for taking part in ruining his family and I did apologize to Lauren, despite her unpleasant comeback. I did not receive any closure from Brad nor do I feel like I need or needed one. It was over. Despite my dishonest and out of body experience bubble bursting right in my face, I felt the greatest swell of relief. I no longer had to pretend I was someone I was not and I could focus once again on the love of my life Paul and my amazing family. I am forever grateful that Paul gave me this second opportunity to turn my life around and save our marriage.

In the article, “Getting Closure After An Affair,” by Debbie Rose, it states that, 

“The only closure you truly need, is the acceptance of what’s already occurred.
You won’t find closure from your affair partner; there’s nothing he can say or do to make the affair suddenly okay or that will help you let it all go.
It has to come from within you.
God is the source of true healing and closure when you can accept His forgiveness and love.
Allowing yourself time and space to forgive yourself and heal from your self betrayal is an important part of your recovery.
Never give away your power to someone else.
Once you move into acceptance, you’ll eventually find your peace.
Nobody else can do this recovery work for you.”

I think this summarizes the healing process I have been working through over the past couple of  months. It all has to come from within, and after going to confession and receiving forgiveness from God and with the love and support of Paul and my family and friends, I am able to work hard and move forward to try to be the best version of myself.

It did seem like we were experiencing an aftermath, the likes of which marked a point of no return. This notwithstanding, from what I was feeling and what I had been reading, formally ending the affair felt like an important step in marking the beginning of the hard work that would come next. 

The interactions Lauren shared between her and Brad, not to mention much of what I had learned about the affair itself from Sarah, made it clear that he was, to say the very least, a dangerous opportunist.  Brad was as opaque in his responses to Lauren’s questions as he was half-hearted in his attempts to stay with her. He had done all he could to hide the increasingly detailed accounts of the affair to his estranged wife. Whatever credibility he ever had was rapidly diminishing with every answer to Lauren’s questions whether it be in the phone call I was privy to or in screenshots of text messages she shared during those first few tumultuous weeks. 

It goes without saying that this is not a person I would ever trust to keep his distance from my wife, no matter the length of time between the affair revelation and present day. Supposedly, the affair itself held long intervals of time in between meetings. For someone like Brad, why should this be any different? As Sarah and I work to rebuild trust, I believe we needed a clean canvas on which to paint. This meant turning the page with an official message to Brad stating that “whatever this relationship was” had concluded. In effect, Brad had been broken up with by two different women in less than a month.

Did I suddenly and miraculously feel better? Did I immediately feel 100% trust in Sarah again? Of course not. This closure message could be viewed by many as a simple technicality, but I could see that Sarah felt a formal sense of closure and I hoped for a bit of strength in taking back the reins in what she could control about this chapter of our lives.

Do you think closure is necessary when a relationship comes to an end? Or does it depend on the situation? Would you make your partner or spouse send a closure message like Paul did? Let us know in the comments below.

7 Essential Questions for a Healthy Relationship

1- What do I do that makes you feel loved and supported?

I think, for me, this is about being genuinely present and vulnerable. To feel loved and supported, I first have to feel connected. This can take different forms, including sitting next to you and laughing at something funny in a show we both enjoy. When we both have our guard down. I like when these characteristics exist during physical intimacy too. 

2- What do I do that upsets you the most?

Sharing what I wrote above with someone else. Dishonesty. 

3- What can I do to help you feel more seen or appreciated?

At least hearing out an idea I have (even if it's crazy) before completely shutting it down. Understanding how important I feel the contributions I make to our family are.   

4- What is your favorite thing that we do together?

Spending time with each other and the kids, watching our favorite shows, and having sex - and not necessarily in that order. 

5- What is one thing you want me to understand about you?

I am a driven person. Sometimes I am driven by emotion - sometimes this builds momentum and while it can make me feel confident, it takes time to unwind it again. I like connecting with people, hearing their stories and sharing opinions on things. I think I also sometimes need help living in the present.      

6- What is your favorite turn-on?

Talking dirty? That first kiss in the morning relieves all the pressure in my body. It's like a first sip of water. 

7- What is one thing you want me to work on in our relationship?

Being honest and knowing that the decisions we make individually impact each other and our family as a whole.

1- What do I do that makes you feel loved and supported?

You make me feel loved with your daily words of affirmation, especially with our “love you ❤️ ❤️ ❤️❤️❤️” text every morning and your acts of service, particularly when you help with chores around the house and take care of our children. I also feel supported by you when you encourage me to follow healthy habits like exercise and reading.

2- What do I do that upsets you the most?

Even though it is totally reasonable and understandable, I get upset when you bring up your disappointment in me and how I acted like an asshole. It’s tough to hear that, even though it's true. The other thing that upsets me the most is if you bring up how attractive or appealing other women are in some aspect. I do get jealous and tend to compare myself to them.

3- What can I do to help you feel more seen or appreciated?

I think we are working as a great team right now when it comes to shared efforts with the family. I like when you thank me for doing things to help out and I also greatly appreciate your help. Since I do feel down or depressed sometimes lately, it does help when you point out how hard I am working and the progress we are making as a stronger couple.

4- What is your favorite thing that we do together?

I love going out to eat with you. I love going on vacation with you and our family. I love going to the beach with you. I love watching TV shows and movies on the couch with you. I really enjoy any quality time that we get to spend together. Even taking a drive in the car just to get a cup of coffee is one of my favorite things to do with you.

5- What is one thing you want me to understand about you?

I know you realize this already, but I want you to understand that I am not exactly like you so I don’t enjoy talking about my feelings or expressing myself. However, I do think that I am getting better at it. In the same regard, the things that work for your daily routine do not necessarily work for me so don’t be offended if I don’t latch onto one of your ideas. And lastly, I feel like I get tired more easily than you do so I hope you don’t mind that I love to nap :)

6- What is your favorite turn-on?

My favorite turn-on would be you drawing a warm bubble bath with me with a candle lit and maybe a hot cup of my favorite red rooibos tea. I also enjoy your foot massages :) Sexually, my favorite turn-on is when you raise your arms above your head with your arms flexed. I think that’s sexy and of course, when you pleasure me orally (even though it’s a lot of work for both of us) that is a major turn on as well.

7- What is one thing you want me to work on in our relationship?

Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds over the last couple of months. I think we are both working hard to communicate, be honest with our emotions and help share the workload. If I had to pick one thing for you to work on, it would be to just be patient with me and my progress and for you not to let other people’s opinions about us get you upset.

Can you relate to any of Paul or Sarah’s responses? Do you feel like these are important questions you would like your significant other to answer? These seem like great pre-cana questions, newlywed questions or even questions for those who have been together for many years. It’s nice to stop and reflect every now and again on your relationship needs and the needs of your partner. You may assume that everything is going well in your relationship or that you fully know and understand your partner, but sometimes asking questions and communicating on a deeper level may help strengthen the bond between both of you.

The Kids are Alright

I remember how tough, defeating, nauseating, numbing, explosive and intensely shameful those first few days after the revelation of the affair were. Not only was I concerned about the well-being of Paul, but I was also worried about our three beautiful, amazing children. I knew they sensed something serious was awry, particularly our eldest. I recall stating several times, “Mommy did something terribly mean to Daddy. Please be extra nice to him, but don’t worry everything is okay and everything will be okay.” I had committed a horrendous sin against my husband, but our children were also in the line of fire. Thankfully, even though our emotions were all over the place, we rarely got our children involved. We occasionally would speak aloud about the situation, but would try not to raise our voices or use inappropriate language. One evening, when Paul was in rough shape, my father-in-law yelled and cursed at me in front of them. That was one of my most upsetting moments of my entire life. I really don’t know how Paul held it together those first few weeks and I always made a conscious effort to be aware of our children and keep their routine as normal as possible.

I thank God every minute of the day that I am fortunate enough to have a loving partner who wants to make our relationship work and stay together. People that are not as fortunate or don’t want to put in the work to stay together, are doing their kids a disservice. Those poor children that have to go through the repercussions of a divorce or parents who are unable to act mature and respectful to one another in front of them. I sympathize greatly and feel bad for the innocent 

During the affair, I did not think about the consequences of my actions and how it could affect my family. My poor choices could have traumatized my children for life and I neglected to think about what an awful role model I was for them.

Our children and our family are the reasons I get up in the morning. They are the “why” of my everyday decisions and energy. They are my reason for living and I pledge to them on a daily basis that I will protect them and keep our family’s peace at all costs. How dare I let someone else enter the sanctity of all the beauty and preciousness that lies within our family’s circle of trust!! I am making that commitment part of my grateful mantra to Paul and our children.

Our children are so kind, talented, creative, musically inclined, intelligent, fun-loving, silly and funny and I never want to taint the goodness of their hearts and spirits. Paul and I have been blessed with three incredible, magnificent children and I would never ever ruin our family’s bond again.

Sometimes I feel like Eilis in Colm Toibin’s novel Brooklyn when she learns of her sister Rose’s death. Toibin writes, 

“Eilis now wondered if there was any way she could go out into the street, find a way to stop this from having happened, or stop him from having told her. In the silence she almost asked Father Flood to go and not come into the store again like this, but she realizes instantly how foolish that was. He was here. She had heard what he said. She could not push back time.”   

Sarah’s infidelity has left a deep wound. In many ways, the “situation”, as we sometimes call it, has worked to create a loss of my basic sense of self and has left me with a lot of questions. Over one hundred days into “A New Us'', there is one aspect of life that I never question. For me, it involves what author, Janis A. Spring, Ph.D. refers to as the “core self” in her book, After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. That one aspect of my core self that keeps me grounded and focused is being a great father to our three children. If there are routine freefalls during this journey, the parachute is an undying faith in each other, and our children. 

I have learned that after an affair it is easy to devalue yourself and play into a victim identity. This is not only as a partner but could also be as a parent. I feel such relief in knowing that, for Sarah and I, this is not the case. The anxiety and shattered confidence that comes from trauma like this is horrible but I know I have been a good dad and I know that I have been a good husband. I have imperishable faith in our three beautiful children and we are very thankful that this situation has left them untouched and unharmed. 

Each day for as long as I can remember and still now, Sarah and I send each other an “I Love You” message followed by five heart emojis. One for each member of our family. It's sort of how we start the day. I am also realizing that it is an important part of how we start the day not just without each other as partners, but without the five of us being together. A truly important and routine reminder of how each member of our family supports the others throughout each day, every day.

Our children keep us grounded. Our children keep up our spirits. Our children are the core of our family values. Our children dazzle us every day with their unique characters. Our children make us proud. Our children bring out the best in us. Parenting is difficult especially in today’s society, but you’ll never hear Paul or I complaining about our children, as we often hear other parents do. We look forward to spending quality time with them, whether on a family vacation, playing a board game or just watching a TV show together on the couch (currently, we are into “Wednesday”). Paul and I really do make a great team when it comes to raising our children and we are blessed to have them in our lives.

Send Noods

The way people communicate today has made it so easy to cross boundaries we might not otherwise have crossed. In fact, a former therapist who I saw for several weeks said, “Paul, if it weren’t for social media, I’d be out of a job.” A devastating detail of Sarah’s affair is that on several occasions, she sent Brad nude pictures of herself - some of the very same ones she would send me during the same period. It certainly took the wind out of the sails of the “being used” defense sometimes presented by Sarah. Sarah will explain a bit behind why she decided to do this but I can tell you it only worked to devolve things in our relationship and further eroded my emotional strength.       

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., author of Living & Loving after Betrayal, How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment talks alot about restorative images. These, say Dr. Stosny are those that provide us with reminders of what we have gained in life, rather than what we have lost or suffered. It also provides an emphasis on our ability to improve and grow. Further, Stosny emphasizes that the most powerful restorative images are those that speak to our deepest values. Some which Stosny discusses in Living & Loving after Betrayal such as, sense of specialness, control over thoughts and actions, and identity.  From a practical sense, I have only begun to learn how to call up the restorative images needed to adapt and emotionally heal from betrayal. Dr. Stosny discusses taking up the process consciously and in the service of healing. The fact that Sarah sent naked pictures of herself to another man as part of this larger, long-term affair has made me at times question whether or not she is the person I thought she was to begin with. As I try to adopt a healing identity there have been moments when I think of the details and feel jealous, enraged, and even vengeful. But this would be a victim identity and one to whom I refuse to submit. 

I absolutely love when Sarah sends me nudes. In fact, she has sent me some since. However, I have requested it be from a different background (and different angles) than the past for a while. The fact that she would share these with another man felt like additional marital hemorrhaging. Already knocked down, suddenly I felt like I was being kicked. Again, I felt diminished, disposable - even replaced. How could I be so blinded by Sarah’s deception when it now seemed so public? During the earlier part of the affair revelation, I felt so exposed. Well, clearly Sarah was the one exposed.   

To help me stay in a place where I can heal, I choose instead to think about restorative images. Sarah’s beautiful body - the body that gave birth to our three beautiful children - could never be reduced to pictures sent to anyone. The balance of those two things could not be more significant. My healing identity tells me that this other man is completely insignificant in our lives. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to rip his head off sometimes but I refuse to accept excessive blame for Sarah’s affair. Mark my words there is dark karma that clings to his actions and it is already catching up to him.

I don’t remember exactly the first time I sent Brad an inappropriate picture on my phone. It was probably a picture of me wearing a bikini or a bra and skimpy underwear. I don’t know why I did it knowing that it was just plain wrong and I am ashamed and regretful for it as I type this post. It is not easy for me to reflect back on these moments in my life when I clearly had no respect for myself, my husband or my family. I liked the attention, the thrill, the excitement and the response. I sent Brad several inappropriate pictures over the years. It started with him asking for them. I even remember during Christmas last year when Brad texted me and I was in the middle of wrapping presents. I sent him a picture of the gifts and he responded with something like, “Nice wrapping job, but those aren’t the pictures I prefer to get from you” (insinuating he wanted some nudes.)

I’ve always sent Paul nudes over the years as well on a much more consistent basis and on a much more provocative level. To be honest, being asked for nudes, makes me feel like an object of desire that is being used or violated. I am not a fan of nudes, but I do them to make Paul happy and apparently, Brad also. Sometimes after I take the pictures, it does arouse me and makes me get into “the mood.” Most times however, I don’t feel like it. Maybe, because I am lazy, maybe because I feel objectified or maybe because I am self-conscious and I feel the need to get the perfect shots and angles of my body.

Brad never sent me any inappropriate photos so it was a one-way street. Paul has snapped the occasional nude photo for me flexing his “above average” junk. I don’t know why I feel very blah writing this post right now as it makes me feel used and abused. I guess guys love nudes so that they have something to behold while they pleasure themselves, something kinky, dangerous, raunchy and real-life. I could care less if I ever received a nude or dick pic. What do you ladies think?

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Fifty First Dates

Paul and I have always enjoyed quality time together. We love to travel. Some of our favorite destinations include Rhodes, Greece, Venice, Italy, Galway, Ireland and Maui, Hawai’i. We love going on date nights too. We’ve made Christmas ornaments in a glass blowing class, we’ve seen The Book of Mormon and Hamilton on Broadway and we’ve been to a cooking class at The Cook’s Studio, to name a few. Most nights, we just like to cuddle and watch TV. We enjoy Seinfeld, Frasier, The Walking Dead and Only Murders in the Building as well as anything Star Wars or Marvel.

It’s important to make time for one another even without the kids. We live in a fast-paced, task-oriented society where we often focus on our jobs, housework and taking care of our families. Sometimes we lose sight of the foundation of our relationships. Without Paul and I, we would not have our amazing children or the wonderful life which we have built together.

During the affair, I took advantage of the sacred bond of our love. I got lost in the daily shuffle and was not grateful for all that I had. I let the stress and trauma of the outside world take hold of me and forgot to cherish the one person who I really needed the most during these difficult times. The adventures of Sarah and Paul were always the best times of our lives and we will continue to create new memories for years to come.

We decided a few weeks after the affair revelation to have a date night. I planned the evening by making a reservation at a nice restaurant followed by axe throwing. We joked that perhaps allowing ourselves to have sharp objects in our hands wasn’t the brightest idea. We turned out to be pretty good axe throwers for first timers, but I digress. Before the evening began, Paul brought me a single rose to recreate our first date night which took place at a show St. John’s University followed by dinner at the Sly Fox Inn and a make-out session in Paul’s car over 18 years ago.

That first night out together alone, after Paul had learned of the affair, was a struggle for both of us. We wanted to go back to the way things were, while at the same time learning to accept the “new us.” All kinds of emotions arose; happiness, sadness, regret, shame, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness and anxiety.

We’ve gone on a few dates since then. On our most recent one, Paul became silent for a few moments and was staring at his wine glass. I asked him if he was okay to which he replied that he was thinking about how I had been sitting across from Brad during two dates at a sushi restaurant very early on in the affair. There wasn’t much to those dates except that it was an easy alibi for Brad since he would frequent this restaurant with some of his doctoral classmates. We had sushi and then went back to my car for a makeout session. Despite the fact that this notion made me feel terrible about myself as the room around us became blurry and I immediately wanted to go home and curl up into a ball, we both sensed an uncomfortable feeling, we acknowledged it, we discussed it and we let it pass. This is evidence that we’ve come a long way in these last three months. The healing process is ongoing and continuously evolving, but we both can feel growth in the right direction. We should both be proud of the hard work we are doing and it is giving us the strength to face each new day with a positive outlook.

My comfort level during our post-affair date nights have registered as feast or famine. There is a deafening tension at times between the lack of control I have over my anxiety and my attempts to suppress it. My “tell” is that I become quiet. I don’t talk as much as I typically would. We have an evolving understanding that we should not suppress it. Further, that discussing whatever happens to be on our minds, while it might cause some overt discomfort is a far better outcome than covert pain and thus it should be shared and discussed. 

During the first few weeks of learning of Sarah’s affair, I suffered what felt like a cascade of painful truths. Near the top of the list was imagining Sarah sitting across a table from Brad on a date. Sarah states that this happened on two occasions during the earlier part of the affair. I think these register as more painful than some of the other many thoughts that spin around in my mind because there’s a sense of enjoyment in a date. We always enjoyed our time together on date nights so it is reasonable to assume that in these moments, it was a happy time in their relationship. They were enjoying each other’s company and this time together. This was yet another and different form of intimacy and gave way to many other questions. Everything from who paid for the meal to what was ordered and what was talked about during these events.     

During this post-affair time I have reflected on how I thought we communicated so well. In my view, it was almost a sort of collaborative consciousness. As time reveals new understandings and new questions arise, I see the extent to which I might have been mistaken at times. For certain topics, it wasn’t collaborative, but solitary. Some of these very topics included aspects of our love languages that were going unspoken for a long time and to the detriment of our relationship.

For Paul, sometimes the possibility of an emotional attachment or the fact that Sarah and Brad enjoyed each other’s company is a much harder burden to bear and overcome than the physical relationship they shared. Paul, at times, feels like he had been “replaced.” How could another man be on a date with his wife?! The other difficulty that has risen is the ability for Sarah and Paul to feel normal on their date nights again. They don’t want to start from scratch, but then again it is new territory they are entering. They must be willing to make adjustments and be able to express, acknowledge and discuss their feelings in the moment and then move forward. 

Enter If You Dare

I am writing this on the 86th day since I learned of Sarah’s affair. It took me until day 80 to build up enough courage and shelve enough anxiety to enter Sarah’s department office. I’ll attempt to explain why, but my feelings on this matter are clearly evolving. From the start, my anxiety has considered our school as a sort of stage for this drama. During the first few days, someone from Sarah’s department and someone from mine had learned of the affair. This moved against a larger backdrop - this was where the affair started. Brad worked in Sarah’s department, traveled these halls, taught in these classrooms, and knew a lot of the current staff throughout the building and larger campus. 

Sometimes I’d leave my office just to visit a classroom for one reason or another and hear Lauren’s voice stating as she did in that, now atomic first phone call that, “you have been to my home”. There was a lot of affair history here in this building. It also connected indirectly to events that took place at the homes of most members of Sarah’s department. We would go to BBQs and host some for the department. We would go to New York Mets games with members of the department. We would run races with members of the school community. Then, I was a member of the community, socially. Now, I am a member of the community, professionally - and socially. 

In the short time I have worked in the building, I have only really visited Sarah’s department a handful of times. Since the affair was revealed to me, I hadn’t gone near the office and it took time to even walk down a hallway where many members of Sarah’s department would teach. No matter how many times Sarah, or my therapist, or my parents, or my sisters or brother have told me it is not my fault, I sometimes worry what folks who have only known me a short time are wondering. Do they think I am a bad guy? Unloving? Abusive? I am a warm and loving husband and father - devoted and hardworking. If I could repeat that I would, I know my therapist would want me to. During those first few days, my anxiety plagued my mind and I constantly worried and wondered if the person approaching me in the hallways knew what was going on. Once Lauren “let the cat out of the bag”, I’ve sort of given up on caring what that person in the hallways thinks. Maybe through exhaustion, but I’m sure therapy and medication have helped too. More recently, I wonder if people are looking at me wondering what is wrong with me that this would happen. 

Again, I am a warm and loving husband and father - devoted and hardworking. I joke a bit here I know, but I think it is important for others out there to understand that these words are true for me and they’re likely true for you. 

Sarah sort of illustrated a bit of strength for me. She began visiting my office each day and has continued to do this for weeks. There was one day that we missed each other. She had come and gone, leaving me a note. Feeling some separation anxiety, I left my office walking toward hers. My legs just sort of knew what to do. Before I knew it my hand was turning the door knob and I walked in. With no place to hide, I found I didn’t really need one. I definitely felt like I was on a stage but the show was more of an ensemble cast than a solo and not only did I feel more comfortable leaving but I felt taller walking back to my office.

I visit Paul’s office every day 4th period, after my friend Mandy and I take our daily stroll down the block from our school. I usually get a hot tea with honey or decaf coffee and a buttered roll or a banana from 7-11. Occasionally, I will treat Paul and I to a sausage, egg and cheese from the bagel store. It is refreshing for Mandy and I to get out of the building for a few minutes to re-energize and be able to catch up with the latest tales of ourselves and our families. The first few times I entered Paul’s office after the affair revelation, I shuffled past his secretary and his colleague with my head looking down at my feet. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, but I wanted to show Paul that I loved him and that I could face the consequences of my actions no matter what people thought of me. I would feel the urge to vomit as a dark shroud encircled my head. I still feel as though I have the scarlet letter stitched onto my shirt. As the weeks passed, I built up a little more confidence each time giving a warm hello to those in Paul’s office and any co-workers that happened to drop by. I sit across from Paul, while it is very quiet in the rest of the office. We stare at each other and often lip the words, “I love you.” Sometimes, we smile because we are in a good mood or are doing okay for the moment. Other times, there may be some tears in my eyes because I am overwhelmed with feelings of sadness or depression. Paul will walk me down the hall. once in a while. towards the staircase where my office is located. I feel supported and loved when I am with Paul in school. Paul often thought about not being able to stay at our school due to the situation, but we both agree now, that we are happy that we have each other to lean on and communicate with during the day and to help with our wild roller coaster of emotions.

Brene Brown would’ve been proud - Paul had taken his “armor off”. Brown emphasizes this concept in her book, Daring Greatly. Sarah and I have learned a great deal about gratitude during these first 86 days, but we have also found strength in each other and applied it in the form of courage in our actions. Sometimes this looks like visiting what might feel like a hostile space and sometimes it might feel like simply telling a truth that might seem hurtful. Though there is pain in both, we have seen the growth that exists alongside it.  

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Paul would consistently ask me, “Did this only happen in a car?” He couldn’t believe it. Well, it’s true, as cheap and sleazy as it seems. Brad and I met in parking lots. We would hang out and drink for about an hour to an hour and a half. We would get pretty wasted. I would usually drink two beers with 8-9% alcohol. Then we would get physical. For the first couple of years, it was more of a make out session, but as the years progressed, we had sex including anal sex. And yes, once again, this all took place in a car, always my car. The first few times, I felt a thrill. I was excited. I liked the attention. But afterwards, I would always sit in the car for 15-20 minutes, trying to sober up, feeling used and depressed. Fortunately or unfortunately, I always made it home safely. (Maybe if I had been pulled over, this could have ended a long time ago in a cry for help.) I could have easily gone to jail for a DUI, but I managed to drive home unscathed. I would walk in the house, usually everyone was sleeping, sometimes even Paul. I would get on my pajamas, get into bed and I knew that once the morning came I was safe. Brad and I wouldn’t speak again for another couple of weeks after each meeting. I would act normal like nothing was wrong. I was in denial. It was all a dream to me as demented as that sounds. I definitely felt a deep sadness inside, but didn’t tell a single soul what was going on and what I was suffering from. On the outside, it might have appeared like I was stressed. I may have expressed my emotions as passive aggressive tension or I would just be silent and keep to myself. Now that the affair is over, I am relieved and I am free to be my true self again.

Since Paul sometimes gets images in his head of Brad and I together particularly in a car, he suggested that maybe we should have sex in the car so that perhaps the images that were being projected might replace Brad with himself. We had discussed doing this a couple of times, but we never tried it until a couple of nights ago. I wasn’t really into it except for the fact that I wanted Paul to stop bringing it up. The kids were asleep and Paul was sitting up in bed. “Let’s go now,” I said. “In the car… let’s go… let’s get this over with.” I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at Brad, angry at Paul. I was hoping this would at least make him feel better. I heated up the car. It was right in the driveway. Who knows if the neighbors knew what was going on, but we didn’t even care. We started in the front seat. We kissed. I went down on Paul and then I flipped over the front seat into a 69 position as Paul reclined. Then we made our way to the back seat. I sat on Paul, I turned forward and back. Car sex is definitely uncomfortable. I ended it with a final blow job and swallowed.

I initially felt the same used feeling, almost like PTSD, but was glad that we did it, so that Paul could experience what it was like. I never think of Brad anymore, but I know that if Paul does at least he can imagine himself with me in our car in the driveway instead.

I wanted to fuck Sarah in our car. I’m still not entirely sure why - but then again I have never been through a crisis of this magnitude. To be clear, throughout our eighteen year relationship, Sarah and I have had sex in cars. When we first met and not having a whole lot of options, we spent a lot of time in either her car or mine in the parking lot of the college where we met. In fact, the first time we had sex was in the back of her family’s minivan - an anniversary that just passed, on December 8th. But on December 6th, 2022 - which we just learned is the feast of St. Nicholas, by the way - Sarah and I had sex in our car and it was full of varied emotions. 

The way the physical part of Sarah’s affair has been presented to me has been that, with the exception of one meeting in a public bathroom, it was exclusive to either Sarah’s or Brad’s cars - and mostly Sarah’s. We are at day 82 now, but I can remember vividly on day 1, how Sarah could do this next to car seats and other reminders of our family. Lisa and I were sure it had to happen in other places too. Maybe a cheap hotel nearby, for example. Sarah was always quick to dismiss the sheer idea of it. I remember the weekend after I found out about Sarah’s affair, I took a drive and actually went to the parking lots that Sarah presented as the locations where these meetups with Brad took place. I wanted to know the details. I wanted to somehow understand. The most heart-wrenching and, as it would turn out, most frequented location was specifically in a parking spot next to a literal dumpster. I remember thinking of the poetry that that image might represent. 

As the weeks had gone on, I found that images of Brad and Sarah did not plague my mind as often as they once had - but when they did, I was an emotional and anxiety-ridden mess. I was a wreck and I felt broken. We had discussed how or by what strategies I might be able to assuage my grief. How could I lessen the unpleasantness of an image of my naked wife pleasuring, and being pleasured by, another man? Well, maybe by Sarah and I naked and pleasuring each other in the same place? What could go wrong? We’ll have to keep our followers updated as time goes on with the extent to which this sexual experiment worked or not. 

Sarah and I went through a lot of different emotions from the moment she basically ordered me to the car to when I made her cum when we got back in the house, out of the rain and into our warm bed. When we got into the car, we almost immediately started kissing. Sarah bit my lip a little harder than usual. Clothes started coming off as we explored the spatial dimensions of the car. At one point our across-the-street neighbor came out and spent what seemed like an eternity getting into the car to go out. That gave us a little pause but I don’t think either of our heart rates went down at all. Overall, I felt a balance of purification of these images of Brad and Sarah from my mind with a somewhat weird feeling that I had a front-row seat to my worst fears come to life. I remember that the rain had almost a cleansing feeling to it and we started up again once we got in the house.   

So much of this story is yet to be written. We’re wondering if others have attempted something like our car-sex experiment. In Weiner-Davis’, Healing from infidelity book, the author reinforces the importance of taking an honest inventory of the steps partners take to try to make their marriage work. Sarah has shown every measure of diligence in doing “the work”. We believe that our love and connection is such an important part of our lives individually and as a couple. Weiner-Davis says, “you can choose love”.

“This is Dr. Frasier Crane… I’m listening.”

I am writing this after just finishing my latest individual therapy session. It’s been about ten weeks of therapy to this point - not very long at all. That notwithstanding, I can see the value and know it will be a part of our lives for many years to come. I am thankful for it. This is not my first bout with therapy. About four years ago I spoke to a couple of different people over a period of a few months. I was both running a school and trying to finish my doctoral dissertation and it's fair to say I was juggling a lot of emotions. I don’t think it's any secret that mental health issues are currently a plague in this country. This includes school and the students in them. I felt that meeting with these social workers was somewhat helpful but I didn’t stick with it. I also took a low dose of anxiety medication. I remember seeing it as a goal to come off of it and I did. This was largely due to a strict routine of exercise that included running. However, I found that I could not run as much as I used to due to some knee issues I had sustained, no doubt from about 20+ years of long distance running, including two marathons and eleven half-marathons. 

As I think of today being the 78th day since I was made aware of Sarah’s affair, I take stock of how important and valuable therapy has been for Sarah and I, but also for me individually. We have worked with a few different people since that time and have settled into two counselors. One is both my individual counselor and our couples counselor. Sarah has shared that she is actually “scared” or intimidated by our couples counselor. This is something that that counselor said she would like to address with her because she certainly does not want that to be the case and for her to feel that way. I don’t want her to feel that way either - ever. This therapist refers to the trials and tribulations that we are going through as “the work” and that this needs to be felt - as painful as it is sometimes can be. This is serious. All could have been lost and the work is just beginning.

We began therapy about a week and a half after the affair revelation. I remember the night Paul found out, he immediately called a former coworker of his who was a social worker and asked for a therapist recommendation. We also called our insurance company a few days later to see what therapists would be covered under our plan. We knew that talking to someone was urgent and necessary.

The only other therapy I’ve undergone was a few sessions after my father passed away when I was 23 years old. I remember going with my mother and brother to a family session first in regards to our mom dating again. Then I remember attending a few individual sessions that focused on my anxiety and nerves at the time. I had a tendency to bite and pick my nails as well as pick my face. One recommendation was to wear rubber bands around my wrists and to play with them every time I felt the urge. Another calming activity I learned was a breathing technique for when I felt a panic attack coming on. I was told to breathe in and count to 1 and then breathe out and count to 1. Then breathe in and count to 2 and breathe out and count to 2. And so on and so forth as the breath became slower and longer, calming the breath, body and mind simultaneously.

The first therapist that we spoke to was a couple’s therapist, who still speaks with Paul individually and has agreed to speak with us as a couple from time to time. Her blunt and meaningful questioning techniques really brought out our true emotions and put us on the spot in front of one another. I found myself in tears during most of the first few sessions as the shame, guilt and embarrassment ate me alive. I do not do well with confrontation or vulnerability, two of the very tactics this therapist brought to the table. I felt like a vile disgusting human being, but I needed to feel these raw feelings to begin my self-healing and our healing process as a couple. It was rough, to say the least. I think what stung me the most was that she would always say something like “Who knows what's going to happen.. It’s possible to stay together.. But I don’t know.. “ I think I was deathly afraid of the unknown and even worse that my actions had brought us to this terrible place. I still feel traumatized from those first few sessions, while at the same time thankful that it brought Paul and I where we are today.

We decided to also speak with individual therapists. Paul’s first therapist wasn’t the best fit for him as he gave generalizations and comparative anecdotes, not specific advice. Paul eventually asked our couples therapist if she was willing to be his individual therapist as well. She said as long as it was okay with me and I agreed, even though deep down, I felt like it was a conflict of interest. I know that she makes Paul feel at ease and helps him slowly gain his confidence back, so she is the right person to guide him through this horrific crisis.

I started with one therapist who was okay and let me speak freely and asked me questions about the affair and my past. However, after a few weeks, I felt like I was doing all of the talking and self-assessment of my own actions and behaviors. I wanted more out of the therapy at that point, so our couple’s therapist recommended someone else for me, who I know speak to on a weekly basis. Paul even sat in on a session with me to make sure he felt like I was being honest and open with him. My current therapist is helping me explore the traumatic experiences of my past as well as helping me focus on my goals which includes being able to express my emotions fully rather than focus on objective facts or keeping my feelings inside. He has found two common themes so far among my stories, revenge/irrational reactions and attention seeking/people pleasing characteristics. Next week, we plan to focus on how Paul and I are handling the situation at work since many people know about the situation. Sometimes I get extra anxious on the days I have therapy, but I know after the session I will usually feel better and be one step closer to finding my true self again and finding true happiness again with Paul.

Therapy has supported some of the new routes we are taking to communicate with each other. Paul has always been somewhat of an extroverted processor, needing a sounding board for his thoughts. Sarah has described herself as not liking to talk. A concept we have found some solace in “the five love languages”, from Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Not only have we learned a bit more about how to communicate with each other, but we have also learned a bit about our needs. What Paul needs to feel loved is not always the same as what Sarah needs. It is clear that neither of us want to be here again. A strong indication of that was not giving up on therapy and the power behind it because of a specific therapist.

The Out Burst

The next day, Paul was absolutely infuriated and distraught. He texted Lauren because he felt like she had the right to know that this affair was actually nine years, not six. Apparently, Lauren was getting all of her details of the affair from me, since her asshole husband Brad wasn’t telling her the facts. Well, of course this didn’t bode well with Lauren either. Apparently, a few hours into the work day, Lauren messaged a fellow coworker of mine on Facebook telling her the details of my affair with Brad. She also decided to text my boss as well. I was unaware at the time. My boss told me later on that she was waiting until the end of the day because she didn’t want to make me upset.

During the work day, Paul was texting me here and there with bullshit texts from Lauren as usual. One text in particular, threw me over the edge into the deep end. Apparently, penis size was now the topic of conversation and Lauren said something about me begging Brad to continue the affair when he clearly wanted out. ALL BULLSHIT! I immediately grabbed my phone and started texting wildly… “This ridiculous exchange of information between Lauren and Paul has to stop. First of all, Patrick’s penis is MUCH BIGGER than Brad’s and Paul is the only one that knows how to satisfy me…” I’ll just stop right there as I continued to go on and on about Lauren and Brad both being manipulative and that yes, the affair started in 2013. I also mentioned my abortion, my molestation and about me feeling that I can be easy and easily manipulated by men. It was somewhat of another confession/apology I guess in its own way.

I sent it to Paul, Lauren and Brad in a group text. Again, so irrational, yet so liberating! Don’t you dare say shit about Paul, his penis size or his sexual passion. Once again, I will emphasize that Paul’s penis is much bigger than Brad’s. That’s where I drew the line. I fucked up yet again and in turn, this message was copied and pasted to many more of my coworkers a few minutes later. As a result of my outburst, the affair had now exploded into our place of work.

I didn’t sleep very well that night and when I finally did get out of bed, I was distraught. I texted Lauren and disclosed what I had learned. She shared that this made her utterly inconsolable. That somehow she always knew that we didn’t have the whole truth - we still didn’t have the whole truth. At one point, she asked if we could speak but I was at work and I didn’t feel up to it. To this point, my conversations with Lauren, whether via a call or text, she has always maintained that she would not stop “until the whole world knew how fake they were”. “They”, meaning Sarah and Brad, of course. This became a more frequent part of our conversations. At times, I had even suggested I might feel better if people knew as my anxiety made it feel like everyone already did. 

With this latest revelation she started to discuss it again and I found it to be part of each text she sent. During that tumultuous first month, I had at times, sent Sarah messages and screenshots of what Lauren was sending. I’m not sure why, but I did. In reflecting on this now, I can say all it did was heighten everyone's anxieties. This morning’s thread of messages even contained a comparison of penises - length, girth, degree of satisfaction, etc. When Sarah read this, she was infuriated and lashed out in a similar fashion to the evening when she sent an apology text. Except, this time, she sent a lengthy text to all four of us! Sarah’s text included another apology, an emphasis on my penis being “much bigger” than Brad’s, and other events from Sarah’s past that had nothing directly to do with the affair.      

I would only find out hours later that during this early exchange of texts, Lauren was also texting members of Sarah’s department - including her supervisor. We don’t know the full extent of what Lauren sent but what we do know was enough to send both Sarah and I - and mostly Sarah - into an emotional tailspin. As it turned out, recipients of Lauren’s messages received them throughout the day. The grand finale was a full copy and paste of what Sarah had sent to Lauren, Brad and I in the group text from earlier.

As texts were being read and pieces of this story were being put together by those receiving them, Sarah began rapidly texting me that her supervisor had arrived at her classroom while she was teaching to explain what was happening. She would later bring Sarah her belongings so she could leave the building immediately following that class period in an effort to save face by not having to go back to the department office and therefore removing the need to face her coworkers.        

A word or two on my penis - lol come on of course I was going to comment on this. Most men have some concerns about the size of their penis - but this was never really me. I have always had a firm grip on this subject - and so has Sarah. I had always received positive reviews over the years before I met Sarah and even a cursory glance at internet “research” would tell me that I was in a very good place. That said, I didn’t really need it being broadcast to coworkers. However, this is precisely what happened and it would come up a few times in the days and weeks that followed in what were thankfully relatively tame venues.   

The average penis is between 5.2-5.6 inches long when erect and has an average girth of 4.5 inches. Paul’s is definitely longer and wider than Brad’s. Lauren pushed Sarah over the edge when she commented that Brad’s penis was a healthy size which made Paul freak out about the comparison. The truth is Sarah is the only one that has seen both and it is clear the winner is Paul. As Paul stated, over the years, he hadn’t been too concerned about this, but after the affair, it is something that he tends to think about from time to time. Not only did Lauren and Brad know this information now, but so did numerous coworkers at work. Embarrassing to say the least. These innocent people received these inappropriate and disrespectful messages that stemmed from Lauren’s outrage. We both took the day off from work the following day as we were emotionally spent. Sarah planned to send out an apology to her entire department saying that she was sorry that they were forced to become involved. We decided to walk together into the school building the next day to support one another and since then, despite the “behind the back” chatter, things all-in-all have settled down. Paul’s immediate coworkers are supportive and Sarah’s coworkers seem to be shocked and appalled, but at the same time supportive of both of us because they want to see us succeed. One coworker texted Sarah, “Thinking of you and Paul everyday. We are rooting for you and we love you both.”

The Set Back

A few days later my brother Nathan was over making his amends with me as he is currently going through AA (which has literally been a lifesaver and wonderful program - He has been sober for over a year.) While Nathan and I were in the basement talking about our past, present and future relationship, I had left my phone on the kitchen counter. Paul felt the urge to go through my email. When I came upstairs feeling positive from the heartfelt conversation with my brother, I noticed that my phone was open to an email from an ex-boyfriend. “What’s this?” I asked Paul. Ironically, Paul didn’t even know that that email was open on my phone. “Wait, what… that’s not even what I was looking at.” He proceeded to show me an email from 2015 - an exchange between Brad and myself. Brad asked if I had any interest in tutoring a student from his new school to which I replied, “I want IT, but not the tutoring job.” I also wrote about my summer plans in terms of my schedule implying that we would maybe meet up.

Fuck… I had told Paul that my affair with Brad started in 2016, but clearly this was evidence that it began even earlier. I eventually confessed that the affair started after a drunken end of the year party gathering in 2013 - three years earlier than I originally told Paul. I was scared to tell Paul the truth. Paul and I were on such a good positive path of healing and I had dumped all the honesty and trust down the drain even further. I even confronted Paul one night a few weeks earlier about texting Brad, even though I promised I wouldn’t and Paul had been so proud of my integrity because I never had done that before. It was a tremendous setback and now all the progress was ruined…

It's hard to overstate the nonchalance with which I picked up Sarah’s phone next to me and in plain sight searched for Brad’s name in her email. I present it this way because while I never really cared to look at Sarah’s phone in the past, seeing it as an invasion of her privacy, now I felt I had every right. I also was feeling better about the way we were communicating. Sarah had for the first time recently sat me down to tell me a truth she had been holding back. This was a text to Brad after the affair revelation. It was motivated by Sarah’s anger at the questions around the paternity of our younger daughter. 

I truly did not expect to find anything. What I did find was probably the most hurtful thing I had come across to that point: actual evidence. An exchange between Sarah and Brad to arrange a meeting. I was only able to see Sarah’s side. After some reflection, it seemed she probably thought by deleting his response she was deleting the whole thread. It was enough to make me crumble all over again. The worst part of it was Sarah’s ability to make herself so available to him, saying for example, “I can do any day next week.”

I remember thinking that I would wait until Sarah’s brother Nathan had left to confront her about this new information. He was visiting and was going through the twelve steps in his recovery with alcoholism. We are incredibly proud of him. I did not think that Sarah would ask me about her phone being left open with a different but also mysterious email that I had not even been looking for or at. There is still some mystery behind the one line email from Sarah’s high school ex-boyfriend. Sarah gets very upset when I have asked about it.

By now Nathan had left. I remember leaving Sarah in the kitchen and moments later hearing a loud bang on the floor. The front door opened and closed and as I walked back into the kitchen, I saw one of our cars pull out of the driveway. Where was she going? What was she going to do? Is she okay? I began calling and texting. No answer, no response. Sarah wasn’t gone very long and I realized that she hadn’t responded because the loud bang I heard earlier was her phone hitting the kitchen floor after she threw it during her agitated exit from the house. This event reset everything and if on September 20th sadness was my most profound emotion, this time it was a healthy balance of anger and frustration.

The moral of this story is to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing, but the truth, despite how much hurt and pain it may cause. The communication progress we had made in those first couple of weeks was all shot to hell by leaving out the “whole” truth. Omitting the fact that the affair was longer than suspected was just as bad as the revelation of the affair itself. It pierced Paul straight through the heart yet again and left Sarah in a deeper pile of shame. Emotions spiraled out of control and the healing process had to reset from scratch. Paul was then left to wonder, “Is there anything else Sarah is not telling me? Any details about the affair? Any other guys this happened with?” And even though the answer is no, how could Paul believe someone that had lied straight to his face over the course of nine years.

The Fake Out

I recently began a stint moonlighting as a college professor. This is something I always wanted to do and felt fortunate to have been given the opportunity to interview and be offered the position as an adjunct at a nearby university where Sarah and I had met 18 years ago. It has always felt like home. The class I taught met one evening a week. I was two classes into the semester when I learned of Sarah’s affair. The shift in emotions I was feeling left nothing untouched, including this teaching opportunity - soon this would be all the more abundantly clear.

About two weeks after the revelation of the affair, I was in the middle of teaching when I received several texts from Sarah at a frenetic pace. It was difficult to view all of what was being sent to me in those moments but the sense was that Lauren may have “let the cat out of the bag”, these were the words I would use to ask her a few moments later. Sarah and I didn’t get a full description of what Lauren sent the group until some time later, this was in part because Sarah immediately left the group text as soon as she felt something was about to be revealed. As it turned out, it was not a big reveal. All of this boiled down to a shot across the bow moment - something Lauren presented was “just to fuck with her.” All she had done was send an old group photo with no real context to the confusion of the recipients of the message. 

This “fake out”, as we have come to refer to it, made Sarah very angry and frustrated. The emotional exhaustion, lost sleep and lack of nutrition leading to weight loss for both of us over the last 16 days had boiled over. What Sarah did next, I found to be very odd - I wonder what our readers might think. Sarah texted an apology message to Lauren. She apologized for the affair. Having gotten to know Lauren a bit over the preceding two weeks, I was sure this was not going to go over well and, spoiler alert, it didn’t. Sarah’s apologetic pleas were met with Lauren stating that Brad “only used you for your pussy”.

I wasn’t sure what I was going home to but felt a great deal of urgency to get there. A lot of time had passed during all these exchanges and I had given my students some team assignments to do so they were presenting their work. This wasn’t exactly what I had planned but it allowed me an opportunity to multitask. When I got home, I entered to find Sarah in the in-person frenzy that texted me a few hours earlier. She presented as both upset and empowered. Her emotions were all over the place.

I was sitting in my car, picking up one of my sons from religion class, when out of the blue I got a text in group text that contained some of my coworkers and one number I didn’t recognize. “I just found this old group pic =)” Oh shit.. Is that Lauren’s number? I quickly fumbled through my text messages to see if it matched an earlier message from Paul which contained a screenshot from her. It is Lauren! (And her stupid looking smiley face!) Crap.. she’s going to tell my coworkers everything right here and now! My heart started pounding. I quickly left the group chat. I didn’t want to witness what came next. I was already planning my apology message to my coworkers. How do I explain this to them?

I didn’t know what to do so I messaged Paul telling him I think Lauren was about to tell everyone we work with. Paul quickly texted Lauren, “So, I guess the cat’s out of the bag?” “No, I’m just fucking with her!” Lauren wrote to Paul. I got pissed at the “fake out”. I knew I was far from being rational, but I was tired of her mind games (especially her manipulative conversations with Paul). I’ve also always felt that I’ve let strong-willed people take advantage of me so I decided to text Lauren myself with an apology. I just wanted to be honest with her about the affair and to tell her to stop interacting with Paul and myself. Well, I should have either blocked her immediately after I pressed send or I should have known better all together. “YOU PATHETIC SLUT... I pity Paul for having such a WHORE of a wife… (and it went on from there…) I will be thrilled if you die the most horrific death… If you text me one more time I’ll call the head of the police department… you don’t know who you are dealing with… etc… etc…”

That was a big mistake on my part, but for a little while I felt empowered and glad that I let her know the truth from my perspective despite the outcome.

One of the most difficult things we have dealt with over the past 10 weeks is the notion of letting go of what we can’t control. We can control with whom and what details we want to share about the affair. We can control our communication and honesty with one another. We can control how we respond to each other and others that may provoke high strung emotions. But we certainly cannot control how other people react to the revelation of the affair, in particular Lauren, who was clearly distraught, and rightly so, and wanted to “destroy” Sarah in every way shape and form. Not to say that Lauren could certainly have handled things differently and kept us out of her battle with her own adulterous manipulative husband. But Sarah quickly learned that Lauren’s actions were out of her control and either she had to accept that or accept the hideous offensive backlash that ensued as a result of Sarah’s irrational apology.

Red Light… Green Light… 1, 2, 3!

A few days after Paul found out about the affair, along with finding a therapist, I went on Amazon to find some self-help books. I came across a few highly recommended titles dealing with affairs and communication. I have since then read several of these books. The one that stands out the most for me is “Healing from Infidelity” by Michele Weiner-Davis. Michele is a bestselling author and a renowned marriage therapist who designed this book by alternating chapters; one chapter is geared towards the betrayed, while the next is aimed at the betrayer. The whole vision is to read the book in its entirety and learn about dealing with traumatic and intense feelings, asking and responding to questions, overcoming flashbacks and painful memories, rebuilding trust and accountability, finding forgiveness and reconnecting sexually from both perspectives. One particular chapter for the unfaithful partner, based on rebuilding your relationship, gave me a new mantra that I can use on a daily basis during this affair recovery process. “I will make working on myself and our marriage a way of life. I’m not just going through the motions to avoid marital disaster. I want to do whatever it takes to make our marriage happy for the long haul.” Another part of that chapter, discusses forgiving yourself. It reads “Let the past be the past. Start tomorrow with a clean slate. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You deserve it. Maya Angelou once said, ‘It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself to forgive. Forgive everybody.’ That includes you.”

Another book I read is called “Four Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work - Anywhere!” by Bento C. Leal III. This book is applicable in all areas of life. My biggest take away from this book are the concepts of both empathetic listening and empathetic speaking. Empathetic listening involves being an active listener which includes not interrupting, listening fully and openly and being able to say back what the other person was saying and feeling in your own words. Empathetic speaking revolves around the ideas of clarifying and organizing your thoughts, speaking with respect and thanking people for listening.

I have also read “Expressive Writing: Words that Heal” by James W. Pennebaker and John F. Evans, in which I decided to complete a recommended four day writing exercise. I wrote for twenty minutes continuously, for four consecutive days at the same time. The audience of your writing is for you and you alone and there is no need to worry about grammar or sentence structure. The main topic of my writing was the affair, but I let my writing take me wherever my thoughts traveled. After the four days, I felt a release of some heavy emotions that had been bottled up inside for years. It also helped me reflect on my actions and past traumas on a deeper level.

I have been using a journaling book as well, called “52 Lists for Calm” by Moorea Seal, which one of my sister-in-laws bought for me one Christmas. Each day you make a list with a different topic or theme in mind that are all intended to help soothe anxiety and create a more peaceful life.

Finally, I am currently reading “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown, which was highly recommended by Paul. Based on the infamous “Man in the Arena” quote by Theodore Roosevelt, it focuses on becoming vulnerable (something with which I personally significantly struggle) in order to live with courage, purpose and connection. I look forward to reading on and reading other books so that I can become a lifelong learner during this healing process.

You're driving in your car. The traffic light ahead turns yellow - do you slow down or speed up. In Healing from Infidelity: The divorce busting® guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair by Michele Weiner-Davis, there is a discussion about how this very common scenario might be applied to triggers in a person’s behavior. This created what is sure to be an ongoing dialogue between Sarah and I - one we hope you all might join us in. I’ll emphasize that this is an ongoing process and we are trying to define and assign some of what our “lights” are in real-time. For example, I stated this week how, given Sarah’s descriptions that alcohol had a part to play in some of her affair behaviors, that a “red light” for me was for her not to engage in excessive drinking. At least not in social settings and/or when I am not around.

During the last few days, Sarah really started to open up about something she presented as bothering her for several years - something she would label a red light for her. We agreed she felt uncomfortable, not to say jealous, of some of my professional relationships. For example, she stated that some of the conversation that might have been had or the time I invested in some of the members of my staff crossed a line for her. She went on to describe the idea that I might have been doing this because she was not providing that for me. This made us both upset. We have been and will continue to talk this out because it offers a light on something we really have never talked about in 18 years. Though I assured her that my actions were always well-intentioned, I could see that this really bothered Sarah and I fully intend to make appropriate changes and be more conscious of it going forward.

We have recognized that there is no step by step approach to healing. This has not stopped us from looking for some sort of plan. Even if Weiner-Davis wasn’t thinking of it in this way, the red, yellow and green light formula in the book offers at the very least a framework to discuss some of these things that bother us as we continue to open up and communicate in new ways and about new and old things.

A good deal of our conversation has included social media. As much as social media can be a powerful tool - it can also be an unwilling weapon at times. A few years ago, I had gone through somewhat of a purification process with my followers. This was on the heels of me expressing some discontent in everything from some of the social media relationships Sarah maintained with folks she really never interacted with to someone she had slept with in her past. I told her I was uncomfortable with this. This came up again, now for Sarah with some of my followers. This prompted me to take a look at this again and unfollow some of these people. I don’t know that we have labeled this “red” or “yellow” yet at this point but it certainly doesn’t feel like it is “green”. What do you think?

Check out our “Red Light… Green Light… 1, 2, 3” poll on Instagram and follow as at @a.new.us

The Ménage

Whenever Sarah and I have had sex, I swear its been as though our hearts were kissing. But now my heart could be measured in something much faster than beats per minute. We are in complete service to each other. We express so much in these moments and it leaves us flushed the following days with memories. It has been like sexual combustion. We discuss it and describe it all to each other, leaving no details out. The next day I can still feel her breath and hear her voice. I can smell her on me and taste her on my lips. We share other things we are interested in doing and from time to time would have porn on in the background.    

In these moments, I have felt reattached and deeply connected to Sarah. In these moments, I have felt like myself again. Since the revelation of the affair, there have been times when I feel like I’ve lost some of my manhood and, in these moments, Sarah seems to know how to help me find it again. We have been saying that it's been “wild”. It is free and uninhibited. I have always received so much pleasure out of pleasuring her and I truly crave the taste of every part of her. Now, pleasuring her is all I can think about in these moments and I am never satiated. On one occasion, my throbbing responded to her thrusting and I emptied myself inside her. Of course this has happened many times before, but it felt different this time and it felt amazing.  

We have actually discussed the possibility of having a ménage à trois. I am truly not sure I really want to do it, to be honest. Though, like many other men, it is a fantasy I would like to realize, I wasn’t sure if introducing another woman into our sex life was really the best way to heal from an affair. I would think most clinicians would agree - but I’m not a clinician. Still, we have left it on the proverbial table and are looking for…brunettes…who might be interested… Just kidding - or am I?

Did we get your attention with this post??? Well, Paul and I didn’t have a ménage (“yet”, as he says), but we are keeping the option open if by some slim chance the opportunity comes along. Our sex life, post affair, has been amazing, wild and fun. Not that it wasn’t great before or during the affair either. I didn’t know what to expect after Paul made me sleep on the couch for a few days when the affair leaked. We’ve been more intimate now than ever before. Our mental and physical connection feels deeper because our communication is so raw and real. Everything is out in the open and nothing is off the table for discussion, no matter how upsetting, raunchy or emotional the topic. We even started watching porn together, from Super Mario parodies to the pornolympics. I’m not sure why, but lesbian porn turns me on, so we always make sure to include some girl-on-girl action in our video picks.

Recently, when we have sex, I get so wet, it’s like the Amazon rainforest down there, and Paul likes to hear me say, “That’s your fucking pussy!” to which he replies, “Damn right!” It makes him feel like his manhood, his ego, his self-esteem and his balls are back in action. I’m usually quite content with having sex once a week with Paul, but knowing that physical connection is one of his main love languages, (Check out the book, “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman), I’ve been working hard to stay awake at night and try to get in the mood more often. He also enjoys the occasional nudes, now more than ever, especially since I sent Brad a couple of inappropriate pictures during our adulterous relationship as well. One night, I thrusted myself so hard and tight against Paul’s pelvis that he came inside me. We didn’t mean for that to happen, but it felt so good and it felt so right.

When we questioned the “Why” of this affair, we always agreed that our sex life had always been plentiful and passionate. But now it is so much more. It goes beyond desire, romance and arousal. It is a sensual awakening of the soul which has been accessed by our total vulnerability with one another. We not only want to make each other feel well pleased, but we want to fulfill each other’s deepest appetites physically, emotionally and spiritually.

You are NOT the Father

Maury Povich’s famous words… I couldn’t believe my life was turning into a trashy daytime talk show. I knew that Brad was not the father. When Paul and I first decided to have a child, we were content with “one and done.” Then after a few years, we decided that our first son needed a best friend. After two boys we were beyond thrilled. I enjoyed being a boy-mom. However, when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and then had a recurrence (after a short period of remission), I felt that life was too short. Without knowing what the future held, we decided to go for baby number three. Paul even called my mom, while she lay dying in a hospital bed all alone because of the pandemic, that we were having a girl, as she so desperately wanted. Unfortunately, my mom did not live to see her granddaughter, but we know she is watching over us all, most likely appalled and embarrassed that her own daughter could have ever done this to her amazing son-in-law.

Lauren thought it was a good idea to have Paul listen in on a phone call with Brad about a week after the affair revelation. During the phone call, Lauren used shark-like skills to run her unfaithful husband into the ground. Paul told me later that day that one of the questions Lauren asked was something to the effect of “Did you know Amelia might be yours?” (That’s our daughter.) Brad hesitated on the spot. He was caught off guard and trembled, “I don’t think… maybe?!”

When Paul came home from work that day he took a Xanax (which I had just picked up from the pharmacy prescribed by Paul’s doctor) and passed out on the bed. He was totally distraught. He questioned all of our children now. It was impossible, but who would believe me at this point.

I started seeing Brad over a year after we had our first son and I never saw Brad right before or during my other pregnancies. Paul was physically and mentally drained and I couldn’t get him to move or make any logical sense of what he was saying. I was scared for his well-being. I called his parents and they came over to talk to him and comfort him. His dad came out furious and confronted me “Sarah, that is really fucked up!” (The kids were right in the other room). I was taken aback and I said that I agreed and that Lauren was out of control trying to manipulate Paul’s emotions and make matters a thousand times worse (if that was at all possible). My father-in-law left the room for a brief moment and then came back in “Did you do this while you were pregnant with Amelia?” (Amelia was very precious to him). “No, I swear to God!” I said with conviction. At that moment, I felt intense anger and contempt for Lauren. Even though this whole thing was my fault, how dare she propagate false information.

That night, my mother-in-law convinced me not to text Lauren as I wanted to in a fit of rage. But, I did end up texting Brad. “Your crazy fucking psychotic wife needs to stop talking to Paul. She needs to leave us out of this! Paul was on that phone call with both of you earlier today listening in. Lauren is claiming that Amelia isn’t his, which is impossible! My father-in-law just cursed at me. Don’t tell her I texted you or she may do something even worse.”

He wrote back several minutes later, “I agree… I want to die… I fucked up many lives.”

To which I replied, “I’m sorry for playing a part in destroying your family.” Oh, what a night.

Lauren: “Did you know that she had a baby during this time??” “Could that baby be yours!?”

Brad’s tearful reply: “...I don’t think…maybe…”

I recognized shortly after I received the call that Lauren had been using two phone lines - one for her call to Brad and the other for me to hear what was being discussed between them. I remember when the call ended, Lauren immediately called me back from a different line.Her disposition had changed dramatically. It was almost pleasant. It felt like she was proud of what she had done and was content in some way with providing me with some information she thought I needed. She maintained none of the persona that had just moments ago presented a verbal-Mike Tyson-style beat-down of Brad.  

I remember thinking and eventually saying how I would certainly prefer to be on her team, so to speak. When I received the call, something told me it was Lauren. We had been texting intermittently throughout the day. The call was a 35-40 minute emotional tirade that was certainly not the first that had taken place and would surely not be the last between Lauren and Brad. I was pretty sure it was the only one I was made privy to - Brad also at that point not knowing that I was able to hear their exchange. It was mostly what you might imagine a call such as this to sound and feel like. As upsetting as this was to me, the most hurtful part of it was this revelation that my daughter, Amelia, might not be mine. 

By the time I got home, I was basically comatose. The plan was for me to take our younger son to soccer, but after taking a Xanax, the emotional strain got to me and I passed out on the bed.

The ripple effects of an affair go far beyond affair partners. The impact it creates also goes far beyond the control of the affair partners. Lauren’s decision to include Paul in a conversation with her now estranged husband was similarly irrational to Sarah’s decision to text Brad. The outcomes of both only worked to further deteriorate trust. In the immediate aftermath of an affair, emotions are raw, turbulent and unmanageable. It is easy to lose sight of reality and what is most valuable and sensible. For Sarah, it was also difficult for her to feel empathy for Lauren, even though she was the reason for her outrage. That’s why we both decided to seek professional help right away.

The “WHY”

I had immediately developed a rapport with Lauren. After all, we suddenly had a lot in common. During this early phase, we were supportive of each other and shared information. It was clear that the path she was deciding to take with her relationship was different than what I was feeling. In the days that followed, I was more abrupt with my comments and texts to Sarah throughout the day. At one point stating, “I am sorry if I am being rude, but I have to relearn how to talk to you”. What Lauren and I talked most about was why this happened. Sarah and I would stay up after the kids went to bed. We would trade comments like, “I just keep hoping I am going to wake up from a nightmare”. Did something change over time? Did I change? Did she change? Did I do something wrong? This was a long affair. It began to be difficult to even think about a contrast between life now and life before the affair started. What I started to realize is that as far as I could determine, there were no changes. Sarah would say again and again that it had “nothing to do with our life.” It was about her view of herself and what she chose to do. Her actions were her actions entirely. Sometimes she would say that she was weak and that she let someone take advantage of her. Sarah would say that it was, “my view of myself.” Sarah would go on to say that she would make excuses out of things that bothered her.

The “WHY”… everyone keeps talking about the “WHY.” Paul, the therapists, family, friends… I needed to understand the “WHY” in order to understand my behavior, to move past it and prevent it from happening in the future. (Even though, deep down, I try to reassure Paul on a daily basis that I would never ever ever do this again). I told Paul that there was definitely a physical attraction to Brad. I had known him for 15 years and worked with him for 7 of them. There was no doubt a superficial crush, but honestly, nothing more… just lust, no love. I tried to think deeper, if I knew it was wrong, why would I do this to myself, my husband, my family? I thought about my past as a young teenager. I was cheated on by my first boyfriend after thinking that you find your one and only and that’s it. In college, I was very promiscuous and was a big party girl despite my excellent grades and study habits. I experimented with drugs. I made many reckless decisions. As a child, I was molested by another kid. I had an abortion when I was 19. While these are by no means excuses for committing adultery, I know that my behavior may have stemmed from these past traumas. Some other inexcusable justifications for having an affair included feeling trapped from my mundane daily routine and being constantly needed by everyone as a mom and wife. I also explained that perhaps it was part fantasy that I wanted to get away, relax by myself, have fun, be silly and not worry about anything for a few hours. Some other reasons I came up with in an attempt to justify my behavior to myself was that my dad passed away from an immune deficiency disorder and cancer when I was 23 and my mom recently passed away from ovarian cancer. My mom also had remarried a very trashy guy who no one was fond of and exposed my mom to alcoholism and second hand smoke. I suffered from preeclampsia after two of my children’s births, experienced post-partum depression and was recently diagnosed with CVID (common variable immune deficiency). When I first met Paul, his sisters were not very welcoming and the stress of our jobs, especially Paul’s as he climbed the ladder of administration, were tough to handle. None of these things are valid as a defense, but I searched every avenue, reevaluated my entire life and, scarred by these experiences, this is what I told myself.

The “WHY” is not easy to determine - and this will likely be a recurring theme during this journey. In different ways- and with different levels of concern, all four principal parties are no doubt asking this question. Sarah looks into her past. At times, Paul blames himself. Lauren questions the emotions that “must” be behind this relationship. “There must be more”, Lauren would say. Brad denies Laurens attempts to connect emotions to the affair. Why it happened is sure to be something that is revisited. Further, reasons may well look different for each party.

To Tell or Not to Tell? That is the question…

When I first found out I was caught, I thought to myself… the whole world is going to find out that I’m a scandalous delinquent (or piece of shit, really)… my family, my school, my town, everyone… Would I have the courage to walk down the street or walk into my school building ever again? Well, I couldn’t worry about that right now. All I was concerned with at this point was the well-being, comfort and happiness of Paul, first and foremost, and our children. In my eyes, only my husband needed to hear the truth. Our children didn’t need to know exactly what was going on. I told our two eldest that “Mommy did something mean that hurt Daddy’s feelings so be extra nice to him and not to worry because we were going to work everything out.” I knew at the very least I would tell my brother Nathan and my best friend Mandy. I was feeling so embarrassed, ashamed and guilty… I also knew that I would be telling all the harrowing details to a therapist. Paul and I decided immediately to find therapists, both a marriage counselor, as well as, individual therapists. I also told Paul that I would support him in whoever he wanted to confide in. About 5 days after the revelation of the affair, Paul said he wanted to tell his parents and he did. I remember walking down the stairs of our house with my discomfort level and anxiety through the roof, knowing that Paul’s parents were sitting on our couch, waiting for us to talk. I burst into tears saying that I was so sorry for deceiving them too and that they raised a wonderful man and son. Paul’s parents were visibly upset, but supportive. From there, Paul’s 4 sisters and brother found out. Paul stressed to his family that despite their utter shock and heartbroken feelings, they needed to be supportive of me because he loved me and we wanted to stay together. Paul ended up telling some former co-workers, one was a social worker and the other went through a similar situation. He also told a colleague at our current job who he works closely with who was currently going through a divorce. The reality was that it was only a matter of time before the affair spread beyond these close parameters…

For some time I had been part of a group of former coworkers that was trying to get together for drinks and such. Now I felt a sudden and urgent need to make this happen. Let me explain why. I wasn’t quite conscious of it at that point but I guess I felt I needed support. One member of this social circle was a friend and colleague I used to work with. She not only was the victim of infidelity - but was the victim of infidelity twice. This ultimately led to divorce. I thought her perspective would be valuable. We met at a local diner the first Sunday after I found out about the affair. She walked in. I got up and we hugged. I already wanted to cry and I could tell she sensed that. As we sat down the blood again rushed to my head and it was obvious this was not the social get together we were originally planning. We ordered. She ate a little. I didn’t eat at all until she attempted to shovel a generous fork's worth of omelet into my mouth. We talked about a great deal but what I came away with the most were two things. First, that it was really important to tell someone. Anyone. Family was an obvious choice. The other was that I felt like I was a member of some terribly sad new club: “Those who have been cheated on.” This is not a label I ever thought I would possess, nor did I ever want. My only compass in this vastly sad ocean in that moment and now was that I love my wife, Sarah. Though she did something that is profoundly and excruciatingly painful, I love her. This is what I know. My experience thus far is that an affair makes you question everything. It makes you doubt everything. But I have never doubted my love for Sarah. Somehow, I still don’t. When I left the diner, I had my mind made up that I would tell my parents. Sarah was supportive of this approach. I called my dad first. He shared his disbelief with my mother. The shockwaves traveled to the rest of my big, Irish family. 

When it came to the affair, the advice we received and followed was that it is important to only tell those who will be supportive of both parties involved. There will be many people out there who want to chime in and give you advice from their perspective, but they are not you. You can’t control other people’s feelings and emotions regarding the situation. This is your personal business and decision between the two of you. The people who will be encouraging, understanding and positive are the ones you can put faith in to be by your side through this extremely difficult time. Our therapists told us to keep this circle of trust small and to not worry about people or things we cannot control, which is much easier said than done.

WTF

“I need to think.” This is what I texted Sarah a few minutes after I left the house without saying where I was going during the evening of Tuesday, September 20th. Sarah had texted, “Where are you going???” When I returned home, it was clear to both of us that things were not okay. I remember laying down on our bed. Within a few minutes, Sarah came in and sat beside me, stroking my forehead gently and asking if I needed anything. Eventually, I mustered up enough courage to ask if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She made comments about being “so confused” and at one point asked if someone named Lauren had called me. Now feeling some coy courage I asked, “Who is Lauren?” Sarah fumbled a bit through a narrative where Lauren was someone who set up the yoga session she claimed to be at two nights prior. I remember getting up, now with tears in my eyes and simply said, “I am a good person”. I felt betrayed and humiliated - my world had been completely rocked. One second I was saying I didn’t deserve this, another second asking if I somehow did. My emotions were all mixed up - I likened it to a television host picking lottery numbers. “The first ball (emotion) up, is anxiety”. The conversation continued this way to our front porch. I found myself suddenly acting as a trial lawyer with Sarah sitting on one of our adirondack chairs.

“September 20, 2022.. A date I’ll never forget,” Paul said with a ghostly terrified and disgusted look on his face as he walked out of the house, got into his car and drove off. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. I felt my heart skip a beat, my nerves began to flare up and a sense of dread fell upon me. What just happened? Is Paul upset because of SOMETHING ELSE.. ANYTHING ELSE? I knew at that moment that either someone in our family was either really sick or dying or he knew about the affair. I’M FUCKED! Calm down, Sarah. You don’t know what’s going on. I quickly went into a selfish defensive mode - how can I avoid getting caught? Maybe I don’t have to reveal too many details. I remember Paul lying down in our bed holding his hands to his head, “Do you have anything you want to tell me Sarah?” I said that I was confused, trying to play dumb - did he really know? Was I caught? What would happen next? Why didn’t I ever think about the consequences of my horrific actions? I hoped this was all a nightmare. I started to weave truth with lies. “Did Lauren call or text you? She was the yoga instructor Sunday night,” I said, trembling inside. Paul knew something was totally off now. We ended up sitting outside on our front porch (well I was sitting and Paul was pacing back and forth.) It was part interrogation, part condemnation. I slowly leaked information - I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I was guilty of committing adultery and my wonderful loving husband was the innocent victim.

We can’t believe this only happened 7 weeks ago. Our whole relationship fell apart at the seams. How could this perfect impenetrable true love fairytale become tainted with such deceit, such desecration, such shame, such disgrace? We were both lost, frozen in time. Still together but so alone and isolated at the same time.

September 20, 2022 - A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY!

With great hope and faith, we can only pray that we will look back one day on that date and think of it as a new beginning for A New Us.