The Kids are Alright
I remember how tough, defeating, nauseating, numbing, explosive and intensely shameful those first few days after the revelation of the affair were. Not only was I concerned about the well-being of Paul, but I was also worried about our three beautiful, amazing children. I knew they sensed something serious was awry, particularly our eldest. I recall stating several times, “Mommy did something terribly mean to Daddy. Please be extra nice to him, but don’t worry everything is okay and everything will be okay.” I had committed a horrendous sin against my husband, but our children were also in the line of fire. Thankfully, even though our emotions were all over the place, we rarely got our children involved. We occasionally would speak aloud about the situation, but would try not to raise our voices or use inappropriate language. One evening, when Paul was in rough shape, my father-in-law yelled and cursed at me in front of them. That was one of my most upsetting moments of my entire life. I really don’t know how Paul held it together those first few weeks and I always made a conscious effort to be aware of our children and keep their routine as normal as possible.
I thank God every minute of the day that I am fortunate enough to have a loving partner who wants to make our relationship work and stay together. People that are not as fortunate or don’t want to put in the work to stay together, are doing their kids a disservice. Those poor children that have to go through the repercussions of a divorce or parents who are unable to act mature and respectful to one another in front of them. I sympathize greatly and feel bad for the innocent
During the affair, I did not think about the consequences of my actions and how it could affect my family. My poor choices could have traumatized my children for life and I neglected to think about what an awful role model I was for them.
Our children and our family are the reasons I get up in the morning. They are the “why” of my everyday decisions and energy. They are my reason for living and I pledge to them on a daily basis that I will protect them and keep our family’s peace at all costs. How dare I let someone else enter the sanctity of all the beauty and preciousness that lies within our family’s circle of trust!! I am making that commitment part of my grateful mantra to Paul and our children.
Our children are so kind, talented, creative, musically inclined, intelligent, fun-loving, silly and funny and I never want to taint the goodness of their hearts and spirits. Paul and I have been blessed with three incredible, magnificent children and I would never ever ruin our family’s bond again.
Sometimes I feel like Eilis in Colm Toibin’s novel Brooklyn when she learns of her sister Rose’s death. Toibin writes,
“Eilis now wondered if there was any way she could go out into the street, find a way to stop this from having happened, or stop him from having told her. In the silence she almost asked Father Flood to go and not come into the store again like this, but she realizes instantly how foolish that was. He was here. She had heard what he said. She could not push back time.”
Sarah’s infidelity has left a deep wound. In many ways, the “situation”, as we sometimes call it, has worked to create a loss of my basic sense of self and has left me with a lot of questions. Over one hundred days into “A New Us'', there is one aspect of life that I never question. For me, it involves what author, Janis A. Spring, Ph.D. refers to as the “core self” in her book, After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. That one aspect of my core self that keeps me grounded and focused is being a great father to our three children. If there are routine freefalls during this journey, the parachute is an undying faith in each other, and our children.
I have learned that after an affair it is easy to devalue yourself and play into a victim identity. This is not only as a partner but could also be as a parent. I feel such relief in knowing that, for Sarah and I, this is not the case. The anxiety and shattered confidence that comes from trauma like this is horrible but I know I have been a good dad and I know that I have been a good husband. I have imperishable faith in our three beautiful children and we are very thankful that this situation has left them untouched and unharmed.
Each day for as long as I can remember and still now, Sarah and I send each other an “I Love You” message followed by five heart emojis. One for each member of our family. It's sort of how we start the day. I am also realizing that it is an important part of how we start the day not just without each other as partners, but without the five of us being together. A truly important and routine reminder of how each member of our family supports the others throughout each day, every day.
Our children keep us grounded. Our children keep up our spirits. Our children are the core of our family values. Our children dazzle us every day with their unique characters. Our children make us proud. Our children bring out the best in us. Parenting is difficult especially in today’s society, but you’ll never hear Paul or I complaining about our children, as we often hear other parents do. We look forward to spending quality time with them, whether on a family vacation, playing a board game or just watching a TV show together on the couch (currently, we are into “Wednesday”). Paul and I really do make a great team when it comes to raising our children and we are blessed to have them in our lives.
