Send Noods
The way people communicate today has made it so easy to cross boundaries we might not otherwise have crossed. In fact, a former therapist who I saw for several weeks said, “Paul, if it weren’t for social media, I’d be out of a job.” A devastating detail of Sarah’s affair is that on several occasions, she sent Brad nude pictures of herself - some of the very same ones she would send me during the same period. It certainly took the wind out of the sails of the “being used” defense sometimes presented by Sarah. Sarah will explain a bit behind why she decided to do this but I can tell you it only worked to devolve things in our relationship and further eroded my emotional strength.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., author of Living & Loving after Betrayal, How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment talks alot about restorative images. These, say Dr. Stosny are those that provide us with reminders of what we have gained in life, rather than what we have lost or suffered. It also provides an emphasis on our ability to improve and grow. Further, Stosny emphasizes that the most powerful restorative images are those that speak to our deepest values. Some which Stosny discusses in Living & Loving after Betrayal such as, sense of specialness, control over thoughts and actions, and identity. From a practical sense, I have only begun to learn how to call up the restorative images needed to adapt and emotionally heal from betrayal. Dr. Stosny discusses taking up the process consciously and in the service of healing. The fact that Sarah sent naked pictures of herself to another man as part of this larger, long-term affair has made me at times question whether or not she is the person I thought she was to begin with. As I try to adopt a healing identity there have been moments when I think of the details and feel jealous, enraged, and even vengeful. But this would be a victim identity and one to whom I refuse to submit.
I absolutely love when Sarah sends me nudes. In fact, she has sent me some since. However, I have requested it be from a different background (and different angles) than the past for a while. The fact that she would share these with another man felt like additional marital hemorrhaging. Already knocked down, suddenly I felt like I was being kicked. Again, I felt diminished, disposable - even replaced. How could I be so blinded by Sarah’s deception when it now seemed so public? During the earlier part of the affair revelation, I felt so exposed. Well, clearly Sarah was the one exposed.
To help me stay in a place where I can heal, I choose instead to think about restorative images. Sarah’s beautiful body - the body that gave birth to our three beautiful children - could never be reduced to pictures sent to anyone. The balance of those two things could not be more significant. My healing identity tells me that this other man is completely insignificant in our lives. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to rip his head off sometimes but I refuse to accept excessive blame for Sarah’s affair. Mark my words there is dark karma that clings to his actions and it is already catching up to him.
I don’t remember exactly the first time I sent Brad an inappropriate picture on my phone. It was probably a picture of me wearing a bikini or a bra and skimpy underwear. I don’t know why I did it knowing that it was just plain wrong and I am ashamed and regretful for it as I type this post. It is not easy for me to reflect back on these moments in my life when I clearly had no respect for myself, my husband or my family. I liked the attention, the thrill, the excitement and the response. I sent Brad several inappropriate pictures over the years. It started with him asking for them. I even remember during Christmas last year when Brad texted me and I was in the middle of wrapping presents. I sent him a picture of the gifts and he responded with something like, “Nice wrapping job, but those aren’t the pictures I prefer to get from you” (insinuating he wanted some nudes.)
I’ve always sent Paul nudes over the years as well on a much more consistent basis and on a much more provocative level. To be honest, being asked for nudes, makes me feel like an object of desire that is being used or violated. I am not a fan of nudes, but I do them to make Paul happy and apparently, Brad also. Sometimes after I take the pictures, it does arouse me and makes me get into “the mood.” Most times however, I don’t feel like it. Maybe, because I am lazy, maybe because I feel objectified or maybe because I am self-conscious and I feel the need to get the perfect shots and angles of my body.
Brad never sent me any inappropriate photos so it was a one-way street. Paul has snapped the occasional nude photo for me flexing his “above average” junk. I don’t know why I feel very blah writing this post right now as it makes me feel used and abused. I guess guys love nudes so that they have something to behold while they pleasure themselves, something kinky, dangerous, raunchy and real-life. I could care less if I ever received a nude or dick pic. What do you ladies think?
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