Fifty First Dates
Paul and I have always enjoyed quality time together. We love to travel. Some of our favorite destinations include Rhodes, Greece, Venice, Italy, Galway, Ireland and Maui, Hawai’i. We love going on date nights too. We’ve made Christmas ornaments in a glass blowing class, we’ve seen The Book of Mormon and Hamilton on Broadway and we’ve been to a cooking class at The Cook’s Studio, to name a few. Most nights, we just like to cuddle and watch TV. We enjoy Seinfeld, Frasier, The Walking Dead and Only Murders in the Building as well as anything Star Wars or Marvel.
It’s important to make time for one another even without the kids. We live in a fast-paced, task-oriented society where we often focus on our jobs, housework and taking care of our families. Sometimes we lose sight of the foundation of our relationships. Without Paul and I, we would not have our amazing children or the wonderful life which we have built together.
During the affair, I took advantage of the sacred bond of our love. I got lost in the daily shuffle and was not grateful for all that I had. I let the stress and trauma of the outside world take hold of me and forgot to cherish the one person who I really needed the most during these difficult times. The adventures of Sarah and Paul were always the best times of our lives and we will continue to create new memories for years to come.
We decided a few weeks after the affair revelation to have a date night. I planned the evening by making a reservation at a nice restaurant followed by axe throwing. We joked that perhaps allowing ourselves to have sharp objects in our hands wasn’t the brightest idea. We turned out to be pretty good axe throwers for first timers, but I digress. Before the evening began, Paul brought me a single rose to recreate our first date night which took place at a show St. John’s University followed by dinner at the Sly Fox Inn and a make-out session in Paul’s car over 18 years ago.
That first night out together alone, after Paul had learned of the affair, was a struggle for both of us. We wanted to go back to the way things were, while at the same time learning to accept the “new us.” All kinds of emotions arose; happiness, sadness, regret, shame, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness and anxiety.
We’ve gone on a few dates since then. On our most recent one, Paul became silent for a few moments and was staring at his wine glass. I asked him if he was okay to which he replied that he was thinking about how I had been sitting across from Brad during two dates at a sushi restaurant very early on in the affair. There wasn’t much to those dates except that it was an easy alibi for Brad since he would frequent this restaurant with some of his doctoral classmates. We had sushi and then went back to my car for a makeout session. Despite the fact that this notion made me feel terrible about myself as the room around us became blurry and I immediately wanted to go home and curl up into a ball, we both sensed an uncomfortable feeling, we acknowledged it, we discussed it and we let it pass. This is evidence that we’ve come a long way in these last three months. The healing process is ongoing and continuously evolving, but we both can feel growth in the right direction. We should both be proud of the hard work we are doing and it is giving us the strength to face each new day with a positive outlook.
My comfort level during our post-affair date nights have registered as feast or famine. There is a deafening tension at times between the lack of control I have over my anxiety and my attempts to suppress it. My “tell” is that I become quiet. I don’t talk as much as I typically would. We have an evolving understanding that we should not suppress it. Further, that discussing whatever happens to be on our minds, while it might cause some overt discomfort is a far better outcome than covert pain and thus it should be shared and discussed.
During the first few weeks of learning of Sarah’s affair, I suffered what felt like a cascade of painful truths. Near the top of the list was imagining Sarah sitting across a table from Brad on a date. Sarah states that this happened on two occasions during the earlier part of the affair. I think these register as more painful than some of the other many thoughts that spin around in my mind because there’s a sense of enjoyment in a date. We always enjoyed our time together on date nights so it is reasonable to assume that in these moments, it was a happy time in their relationship. They were enjoying each other’s company and this time together. This was yet another and different form of intimacy and gave way to many other questions. Everything from who paid for the meal to what was ordered and what was talked about during these events.
During this post-affair time I have reflected on how I thought we communicated so well. In my view, it was almost a sort of collaborative consciousness. As time reveals new understandings and new questions arise, I see the extent to which I might have been mistaken at times. For certain topics, it wasn’t collaborative, but solitary. Some of these very topics included aspects of our love languages that were going unspoken for a long time and to the detriment of our relationship.
For Paul, sometimes the possibility of an emotional attachment or the fact that Sarah and Brad enjoyed each other’s company is a much harder burden to bear and overcome than the physical relationship they shared. Paul, at times, feels like he had been “replaced.” How could another man be on a date with his wife?! The other difficulty that has risen is the ability for Sarah and Paul to feel normal on their date nights again. They don’t want to start from scratch, but then again it is new territory they are entering. They must be willing to make adjustments and be able to express, acknowledge and discuss their feelings in the moment and then move forward.
