Enter If You Dare
I am writing this on the 86th day since I learned of Sarah’s affair. It took me until day 80 to build up enough courage and shelve enough anxiety to enter Sarah’s department office. I’ll attempt to explain why, but my feelings on this matter are clearly evolving. From the start, my anxiety has considered our school as a sort of stage for this drama. During the first few days, someone from Sarah’s department and someone from mine had learned of the affair. This moved against a larger backdrop - this was where the affair started. Brad worked in Sarah’s department, traveled these halls, taught in these classrooms, and knew a lot of the current staff throughout the building and larger campus.
Sometimes I’d leave my office just to visit a classroom for one reason or another and hear Lauren’s voice stating as she did in that, now atomic first phone call that, “you have been to my home”. There was a lot of affair history here in this building. It also connected indirectly to events that took place at the homes of most members of Sarah’s department. We would go to BBQs and host some for the department. We would go to New York Mets games with members of the department. We would run races with members of the school community. Then, I was a member of the community, socially. Now, I am a member of the community, professionally - and socially.
In the short time I have worked in the building, I have only really visited Sarah’s department a handful of times. Since the affair was revealed to me, I hadn’t gone near the office and it took time to even walk down a hallway where many members of Sarah’s department would teach. No matter how many times Sarah, or my therapist, or my parents, or my sisters or brother have told me it is not my fault, I sometimes worry what folks who have only known me a short time are wondering. Do they think I am a bad guy? Unloving? Abusive? I am a warm and loving husband and father - devoted and hardworking. If I could repeat that I would, I know my therapist would want me to. During those first few days, my anxiety plagued my mind and I constantly worried and wondered if the person approaching me in the hallways knew what was going on. Once Lauren “let the cat out of the bag”, I’ve sort of given up on caring what that person in the hallways thinks. Maybe through exhaustion, but I’m sure therapy and medication have helped too. More recently, I wonder if people are looking at me wondering what is wrong with me that this would happen.
Again, I am a warm and loving husband and father - devoted and hardworking. I joke a bit here I know, but I think it is important for others out there to understand that these words are true for me and they’re likely true for you.
Sarah sort of illustrated a bit of strength for me. She began visiting my office each day and has continued to do this for weeks. There was one day that we missed each other. She had come and gone, leaving me a note. Feeling some separation anxiety, I left my office walking toward hers. My legs just sort of knew what to do. Before I knew it my hand was turning the door knob and I walked in. With no place to hide, I found I didn’t really need one. I definitely felt like I was on a stage but the show was more of an ensemble cast than a solo and not only did I feel more comfortable leaving but I felt taller walking back to my office.
I visit Paul’s office every day 4th period, after my friend Mandy and I take our daily stroll down the block from our school. I usually get a hot tea with honey or decaf coffee and a buttered roll or a banana from 7-11. Occasionally, I will treat Paul and I to a sausage, egg and cheese from the bagel store. It is refreshing for Mandy and I to get out of the building for a few minutes to re-energize and be able to catch up with the latest tales of ourselves and our families. The first few times I entered Paul’s office after the affair revelation, I shuffled past his secretary and his colleague with my head looking down at my feet. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, but I wanted to show Paul that I loved him and that I could face the consequences of my actions no matter what people thought of me. I would feel the urge to vomit as a dark shroud encircled my head. I still feel as though I have the scarlet letter stitched onto my shirt. As the weeks passed, I built up a little more confidence each time giving a warm hello to those in Paul’s office and any co-workers that happened to drop by. I sit across from Paul, while it is very quiet in the rest of the office. We stare at each other and often lip the words, “I love you.” Sometimes, we smile because we are in a good mood or are doing okay for the moment. Other times, there may be some tears in my eyes because I am overwhelmed with feelings of sadness or depression. Paul will walk me down the hall. once in a while. towards the staircase where my office is located. I feel supported and loved when I am with Paul in school. Paul often thought about not being able to stay at our school due to the situation, but we both agree now, that we are happy that we have each other to lean on and communicate with during the day and to help with our wild roller coaster of emotions.
Brene Brown would’ve been proud - Paul had taken his “armor off”. Brown emphasizes this concept in her book, Daring Greatly. Sarah and I have learned a great deal about gratitude during these first 86 days, but we have also found strength in each other and applied it in the form of courage in our actions. Sometimes this looks like visiting what might feel like a hostile space and sometimes it might feel like simply telling a truth that might seem hurtful. Though there is pain in both, we have seen the growth that exists alongside it.
