Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Paul would consistently ask me, “Did this only happen in a car?” He couldn’t believe it. Well, it’s true, as cheap and sleazy as it seems. Brad and I met in parking lots. We would hang out and drink for about an hour to an hour and a half. We would get pretty wasted. I would usually drink two beers with 8-9% alcohol. Then we would get physical. For the first couple of years, it was more of a make out session, but as the years progressed, we had sex including anal sex. And yes, once again, this all took place in a car, always my car. The first few times, I felt a thrill. I was excited. I liked the attention. But afterwards, I would always sit in the car for 15-20 minutes, trying to sober up, feeling used and depressed. Fortunately or unfortunately, I always made it home safely. (Maybe if I had been pulled over, this could have ended a long time ago in a cry for help.) I could have easily gone to jail for a DUI, but I managed to drive home unscathed. I would walk in the house, usually everyone was sleeping, sometimes even Paul. I would get on my pajamas, get into bed and I knew that once the morning came I was safe. Brad and I wouldn’t speak again for another couple of weeks after each meeting. I would act normal like nothing was wrong. I was in denial. It was all a dream to me as demented as that sounds. I definitely felt a deep sadness inside, but didn’t tell a single soul what was going on and what I was suffering from. On the outside, it might have appeared like I was stressed. I may have expressed my emotions as passive aggressive tension or I would just be silent and keep to myself. Now that the affair is over, I am relieved and I am free to be my true self again.

Since Paul sometimes gets images in his head of Brad and I together particularly in a car, he suggested that maybe we should have sex in the car so that perhaps the images that were being projected might replace Brad with himself. We had discussed doing this a couple of times, but we never tried it until a couple of nights ago. I wasn’t really into it except for the fact that I wanted Paul to stop bringing it up. The kids were asleep and Paul was sitting up in bed. “Let’s go now,” I said. “In the car… let’s go… let’s get this over with.” I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at Brad, angry at Paul. I was hoping this would at least make him feel better. I heated up the car. It was right in the driveway. Who knows if the neighbors knew what was going on, but we didn’t even care. We started in the front seat. We kissed. I went down on Paul and then I flipped over the front seat into a 69 position as Paul reclined. Then we made our way to the back seat. I sat on Paul, I turned forward and back. Car sex is definitely uncomfortable. I ended it with a final blow job and swallowed.

I initially felt the same used feeling, almost like PTSD, but was glad that we did it, so that Paul could experience what it was like. I never think of Brad anymore, but I know that if Paul does at least he can imagine himself with me in our car in the driveway instead.

I wanted to fuck Sarah in our car. I’m still not entirely sure why - but then again I have never been through a crisis of this magnitude. To be clear, throughout our eighteen year relationship, Sarah and I have had sex in cars. When we first met and not having a whole lot of options, we spent a lot of time in either her car or mine in the parking lot of the college where we met. In fact, the first time we had sex was in the back of her family’s minivan - an anniversary that just passed, on December 8th. But on December 6th, 2022 - which we just learned is the feast of St. Nicholas, by the way - Sarah and I had sex in our car and it was full of varied emotions. 

The way the physical part of Sarah’s affair has been presented to me has been that, with the exception of one meeting in a public bathroom, it was exclusive to either Sarah’s or Brad’s cars - and mostly Sarah’s. We are at day 82 now, but I can remember vividly on day 1, how Sarah could do this next to car seats and other reminders of our family. Lisa and I were sure it had to happen in other places too. Maybe a cheap hotel nearby, for example. Sarah was always quick to dismiss the sheer idea of it. I remember the weekend after I found out about Sarah’s affair, I took a drive and actually went to the parking lots that Sarah presented as the locations where these meetups with Brad took place. I wanted to know the details. I wanted to somehow understand. The most heart-wrenching and, as it would turn out, most frequented location was specifically in a parking spot next to a literal dumpster. I remember thinking of the poetry that that image might represent. 

As the weeks had gone on, I found that images of Brad and Sarah did not plague my mind as often as they once had - but when they did, I was an emotional and anxiety-ridden mess. I was a wreck and I felt broken. We had discussed how or by what strategies I might be able to assuage my grief. How could I lessen the unpleasantness of an image of my naked wife pleasuring, and being pleasured by, another man? Well, maybe by Sarah and I naked and pleasuring each other in the same place? What could go wrong? We’ll have to keep our followers updated as time goes on with the extent to which this sexual experiment worked or not. 

Sarah and I went through a lot of different emotions from the moment she basically ordered me to the car to when I made her cum when we got back in the house, out of the rain and into our warm bed. When we got into the car, we almost immediately started kissing. Sarah bit my lip a little harder than usual. Clothes started coming off as we explored the spatial dimensions of the car. At one point our across-the-street neighbor came out and spent what seemed like an eternity getting into the car to go out. That gave us a little pause but I don’t think either of our heart rates went down at all. Overall, I felt a balance of purification of these images of Brad and Sarah from my mind with a somewhat weird feeling that I had a front-row seat to my worst fears come to life. I remember that the rain had almost a cleansing feeling to it and we started up again once we got in the house.   

So much of this story is yet to be written. We’re wondering if others have attempted something like our car-sex experiment. In Weiner-Davis’, Healing from infidelity book, the author reinforces the importance of taking an honest inventory of the steps partners take to try to make their marriage work. Sarah has shown every measure of diligence in doing “the work”. We believe that our love and connection is such an important part of our lives individually and as a couple. Weiner-Davis says, “you can choose love”.