“This is Dr. Frasier Crane… I’m listening.”

I am writing this after just finishing my latest individual therapy session. It’s been about ten weeks of therapy to this point - not very long at all. That notwithstanding, I can see the value and know it will be a part of our lives for many years to come. I am thankful for it. This is not my first bout with therapy. About four years ago I spoke to a couple of different people over a period of a few months. I was both running a school and trying to finish my doctoral dissertation and it's fair to say I was juggling a lot of emotions. I don’t think it's any secret that mental health issues are currently a plague in this country. This includes school and the students in them. I felt that meeting with these social workers was somewhat helpful but I didn’t stick with it. I also took a low dose of anxiety medication. I remember seeing it as a goal to come off of it and I did. This was largely due to a strict routine of exercise that included running. However, I found that I could not run as much as I used to due to some knee issues I had sustained, no doubt from about 20+ years of long distance running, including two marathons and eleven half-marathons. 

As I think of today being the 78th day since I was made aware of Sarah’s affair, I take stock of how important and valuable therapy has been for Sarah and I, but also for me individually. We have worked with a few different people since that time and have settled into two counselors. One is both my individual counselor and our couples counselor. Sarah has shared that she is actually “scared” or intimidated by our couples counselor. This is something that that counselor said she would like to address with her because she certainly does not want that to be the case and for her to feel that way. I don’t want her to feel that way either - ever. This therapist refers to the trials and tribulations that we are going through as “the work” and that this needs to be felt - as painful as it is sometimes can be. This is serious. All could have been lost and the work is just beginning.

We began therapy about a week and a half after the affair revelation. I remember the night Paul found out, he immediately called a former coworker of his who was a social worker and asked for a therapist recommendation. We also called our insurance company a few days later to see what therapists would be covered under our plan. We knew that talking to someone was urgent and necessary.

The only other therapy I’ve undergone was a few sessions after my father passed away when I was 23 years old. I remember going with my mother and brother to a family session first in regards to our mom dating again. Then I remember attending a few individual sessions that focused on my anxiety and nerves at the time. I had a tendency to bite and pick my nails as well as pick my face. One recommendation was to wear rubber bands around my wrists and to play with them every time I felt the urge. Another calming activity I learned was a breathing technique for when I felt a panic attack coming on. I was told to breathe in and count to 1 and then breathe out and count to 1. Then breathe in and count to 2 and breathe out and count to 2. And so on and so forth as the breath became slower and longer, calming the breath, body and mind simultaneously.

The first therapist that we spoke to was a couple’s therapist, who still speaks with Paul individually and has agreed to speak with us as a couple from time to time. Her blunt and meaningful questioning techniques really brought out our true emotions and put us on the spot in front of one another. I found myself in tears during most of the first few sessions as the shame, guilt and embarrassment ate me alive. I do not do well with confrontation or vulnerability, two of the very tactics this therapist brought to the table. I felt like a vile disgusting human being, but I needed to feel these raw feelings to begin my self-healing and our healing process as a couple. It was rough, to say the least. I think what stung me the most was that she would always say something like “Who knows what's going to happen.. It’s possible to stay together.. But I don’t know.. “ I think I was deathly afraid of the unknown and even worse that my actions had brought us to this terrible place. I still feel traumatized from those first few sessions, while at the same time thankful that it brought Paul and I where we are today.

We decided to also speak with individual therapists. Paul’s first therapist wasn’t the best fit for him as he gave generalizations and comparative anecdotes, not specific advice. Paul eventually asked our couples therapist if she was willing to be his individual therapist as well. She said as long as it was okay with me and I agreed, even though deep down, I felt like it was a conflict of interest. I know that she makes Paul feel at ease and helps him slowly gain his confidence back, so she is the right person to guide him through this horrific crisis.

I started with one therapist who was okay and let me speak freely and asked me questions about the affair and my past. However, after a few weeks, I felt like I was doing all of the talking and self-assessment of my own actions and behaviors. I wanted more out of the therapy at that point, so our couple’s therapist recommended someone else for me, who I know speak to on a weekly basis. Paul even sat in on a session with me to make sure he felt like I was being honest and open with him. My current therapist is helping me explore the traumatic experiences of my past as well as helping me focus on my goals which includes being able to express my emotions fully rather than focus on objective facts or keeping my feelings inside. He has found two common themes so far among my stories, revenge/irrational reactions and attention seeking/people pleasing characteristics. Next week, we plan to focus on how Paul and I are handling the situation at work since many people know about the situation. Sometimes I get extra anxious on the days I have therapy, but I know after the session I will usually feel better and be one step closer to finding my true self again and finding true happiness again with Paul.

Therapy has supported some of the new routes we are taking to communicate with each other. Paul has always been somewhat of an extroverted processor, needing a sounding board for his thoughts. Sarah has described herself as not liking to talk. A concept we have found some solace in “the five love languages”, from Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Not only have we learned a bit more about how to communicate with each other, but we have also learned a bit about our needs. What Paul needs to feel loved is not always the same as what Sarah needs. It is clear that neither of us want to be here again. A strong indication of that was not giving up on therapy and the power behind it because of a specific therapist.