To Tell or Not to Tell? That is the question…
When I first found out I was caught, I thought to myself… the whole world is going to find out that I’m a scandalous delinquent (or piece of shit, really)… my family, my school, my town, everyone… Would I have the courage to walk down the street or walk into my school building ever again? Well, I couldn’t worry about that right now. All I was concerned with at this point was the well-being, comfort and happiness of Paul, first and foremost, and our children. In my eyes, only my husband needed to hear the truth. Our children didn’t need to know exactly what was going on. I told our two eldest that “Mommy did something mean that hurt Daddy’s feelings so be extra nice to him and not to worry because we were going to work everything out.” I knew at the very least I would tell my brother Nathan and my best friend Mandy. I was feeling so embarrassed, ashamed and guilty… I also knew that I would be telling all the harrowing details to a therapist. Paul and I decided immediately to find therapists, both a marriage counselor, as well as, individual therapists. I also told Paul that I would support him in whoever he wanted to confide in. About 5 days after the revelation of the affair, Paul said he wanted to tell his parents and he did. I remember walking down the stairs of our house with my discomfort level and anxiety through the roof, knowing that Paul’s parents were sitting on our couch, waiting for us to talk. I burst into tears saying that I was so sorry for deceiving them too and that they raised a wonderful man and son. Paul’s parents were visibly upset, but supportive. From there, Paul’s 4 sisters and brother found out. Paul stressed to his family that despite their utter shock and heartbroken feelings, they needed to be supportive of me because he loved me and we wanted to stay together. Paul ended up telling some former co-workers, one was a social worker and the other went through a similar situation. He also told a colleague at our current job who he works closely with who was currently going through a divorce. The reality was that it was only a matter of time before the affair spread beyond these close parameters…
For some time I had been part of a group of former coworkers that was trying to get together for drinks and such. Now I felt a sudden and urgent need to make this happen. Let me explain why. I wasn’t quite conscious of it at that point but I guess I felt I needed support. One member of this social circle was a friend and colleague I used to work with. She not only was the victim of infidelity - but was the victim of infidelity twice. This ultimately led to divorce. I thought her perspective would be valuable. We met at a local diner the first Sunday after I found out about the affair. She walked in. I got up and we hugged. I already wanted to cry and I could tell she sensed that. As we sat down the blood again rushed to my head and it was obvious this was not the social get together we were originally planning. We ordered. She ate a little. I didn’t eat at all until she attempted to shovel a generous fork's worth of omelet into my mouth. We talked about a great deal but what I came away with the most were two things. First, that it was really important to tell someone. Anyone. Family was an obvious choice. The other was that I felt like I was a member of some terribly sad new club: “Those who have been cheated on.” This is not a label I ever thought I would possess, nor did I ever want. My only compass in this vastly sad ocean in that moment and now was that I love my wife, Sarah. Though she did something that is profoundly and excruciatingly painful, I love her. This is what I know. My experience thus far is that an affair makes you question everything. It makes you doubt everything. But I have never doubted my love for Sarah. Somehow, I still don’t. When I left the diner, I had my mind made up that I would tell my parents. Sarah was supportive of this approach. I called my dad first. He shared his disbelief with my mother. The shockwaves traveled to the rest of my big, Irish family.
When it came to the affair, the advice we received and followed was that it is important to only tell those who will be supportive of both parties involved. There will be many people out there who want to chime in and give you advice from their perspective, but they are not you. You can’t control other people’s feelings and emotions regarding the situation. This is your personal business and decision between the two of you. The people who will be encouraging, understanding and positive are the ones you can put faith in to be by your side through this extremely difficult time. Our therapists told us to keep this circle of trust small and to not worry about people or things we cannot control, which is much easier said than done.
