WTF
“I need to think.” This is what I texted Sarah a few minutes after I left the house without saying where I was going during the evening of Tuesday, September 20th. Sarah had texted, “Where are you going???” When I returned home, it was clear to both of us that things were not okay. I remember laying down on our bed. Within a few minutes, Sarah came in and sat beside me, stroking my forehead gently and asking if I needed anything. Eventually, I mustered up enough courage to ask if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She made comments about being “so confused” and at one point asked if someone named Lauren had called me. Now feeling some coy courage I asked, “Who is Lauren?” Sarah fumbled a bit through a narrative where Lauren was someone who set up the yoga session she claimed to be at two nights prior. I remember getting up, now with tears in my eyes and simply said, “I am a good person”. I felt betrayed and humiliated - my world had been completely rocked. One second I was saying I didn’t deserve this, another second asking if I somehow did. My emotions were all mixed up - I likened it to a television host picking lottery numbers. “The first ball (emotion) up, is anxiety”. The conversation continued this way to our front porch. I found myself suddenly acting as a trial lawyer with Sarah sitting on one of our adirondack chairs.
“September 20, 2022.. A date I’ll never forget,” Paul said with a ghostly terrified and disgusted look on his face as he walked out of the house, got into his car and drove off. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. I felt my heart skip a beat, my nerves began to flare up and a sense of dread fell upon me. What just happened? Is Paul upset because of SOMETHING ELSE.. ANYTHING ELSE? I knew at that moment that either someone in our family was either really sick or dying or he knew about the affair. I’M FUCKED! Calm down, Sarah. You don’t know what’s going on. I quickly went into a selfish defensive mode - how can I avoid getting caught? Maybe I don’t have to reveal too many details. I remember Paul lying down in our bed holding his hands to his head, “Do you have anything you want to tell me Sarah?” I said that I was confused, trying to play dumb - did he really know? Was I caught? What would happen next? Why didn’t I ever think about the consequences of my horrific actions? I hoped this was all a nightmare. I started to weave truth with lies. “Did Lauren call or text you? She was the yoga instructor Sunday night,” I said, trembling inside. Paul knew something was totally off now. We ended up sitting outside on our front porch (well I was sitting and Paul was pacing back and forth.) It was part interrogation, part condemnation. I slowly leaked information - I couldn’t believe this was happening. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I was guilty of committing adultery and my wonderful loving husband was the innocent victim.
We can’t believe this only happened 7 weeks ago. Our whole relationship fell apart at the seams. How could this perfect impenetrable true love fairytale become tainted with such deceit, such desecration, such shame, such disgrace? We were both lost, frozen in time. Still together but so alone and isolated at the same time.
September 20, 2022 - A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY!
With great hope and faith, we can only pray that we will look back one day on that date and think of it as a new beginning for A New Us.
