The “WHY”
I had immediately developed a rapport with Lauren. After all, we suddenly had a lot in common. During this early phase, we were supportive of each other and shared information. It was clear that the path she was deciding to take with her relationship was different than what I was feeling. In the days that followed, I was more abrupt with my comments and texts to Sarah throughout the day. At one point stating, “I am sorry if I am being rude, but I have to relearn how to talk to you”. What Lauren and I talked most about was why this happened. Sarah and I would stay up after the kids went to bed. We would trade comments like, “I just keep hoping I am going to wake up from a nightmare”. Did something change over time? Did I change? Did she change? Did I do something wrong? This was a long affair. It began to be difficult to even think about a contrast between life now and life before the affair started. What I started to realize is that as far as I could determine, there were no changes. Sarah would say again and again that it had “nothing to do with our life.” It was about her view of herself and what she chose to do. Her actions were her actions entirely. Sometimes she would say that she was weak and that she let someone take advantage of her. Sarah would say that it was, “my view of myself.” Sarah would go on to say that she would make excuses out of things that bothered her.
The “WHY”… everyone keeps talking about the “WHY.” Paul, the therapists, family, friends… I needed to understand the “WHY” in order to understand my behavior, to move past it and prevent it from happening in the future. (Even though, deep down, I try to reassure Paul on a daily basis that I would never ever ever do this again). I told Paul that there was definitely a physical attraction to Brad. I had known him for 15 years and worked with him for 7 of them. There was no doubt a superficial crush, but honestly, nothing more… just lust, no love. I tried to think deeper, if I knew it was wrong, why would I do this to myself, my husband, my family? I thought about my past as a young teenager. I was cheated on by my first boyfriend after thinking that you find your one and only and that’s it. In college, I was very promiscuous and was a big party girl despite my excellent grades and study habits. I experimented with drugs. I made many reckless decisions. As a child, I was molested by another kid. I had an abortion when I was 19. While these are by no means excuses for committing adultery, I know that my behavior may have stemmed from these past traumas. Some other inexcusable justifications for having an affair included feeling trapped from my mundane daily routine and being constantly needed by everyone as a mom and wife. I also explained that perhaps it was part fantasy that I wanted to get away, relax by myself, have fun, be silly and not worry about anything for a few hours. Some other reasons I came up with in an attempt to justify my behavior to myself was that my dad passed away from an immune deficiency disorder and cancer when I was 23 and my mom recently passed away from ovarian cancer. My mom also had remarried a very trashy guy who no one was fond of and exposed my mom to alcoholism and second hand smoke. I suffered from preeclampsia after two of my children’s births, experienced post-partum depression and was recently diagnosed with CVID (common variable immune deficiency). When I first met Paul, his sisters were not very welcoming and the stress of our jobs, especially Paul’s as he climbed the ladder of administration, were tough to handle. None of these things are valid as a defense, but I searched every avenue, reevaluated my entire life and, scarred by these experiences, this is what I told myself.
The “WHY” is not easy to determine - and this will likely be a recurring theme during this journey. In different ways- and with different levels of concern, all four principal parties are no doubt asking this question. Sarah looks into her past. At times, Paul blames himself. Lauren questions the emotions that “must” be behind this relationship. “There must be more”, Lauren would say. Brad denies Laurens attempts to connect emotions to the affair. Why it happened is sure to be something that is revisited. Further, reasons may well look different for each party.
