7 Essential Questions for Building a Deeper Relationship
1 - What is something you always wanted to share with your partner (like an insecurity or fantasy) that you never did?
Lately Sarah has shared that she is jealous about the relationships I build with others. At first, this might seem comical given what has happened but it bothers her so it sort of bothers me too. It has made me a bit uncomfortable in my own skin because I am used to engaging with people in general and particularly since we work in the service of others, I believe it's important to build meaningful relationships. I believe this has made me a successful teacher and school leader. I truly believe that this is something we will have to communicate more and more about so that we can both get clarity on this going forward.
2 - What is one thing you would want to change about our relationship?
Sarah’s affair (obviously). I think it is critical for us to continue to develop our communication skills. Nothing can be off the table. Even if it gets messy it must be discussed - maybe the messier the better.
3 - What is our greatest strength?
Resilience seems like an appropriate response. We are definitely gritty and know how to roll with the big punches in life. Prior to Sarah’s affair, we had already endured quite a bit of life’s big moments. From the birth of children to the death of family members. From attaining advanced college degrees to running marathons to major health issues. We always come out of it stronger and even if it doesn’t always feel like it, we will get up from this biggest of punches too.
4 - What are you most insecure about?
I get stressed and frustrated over being taken advantage of. It seems to happen in my professional life a lot because I am good at what I do and I am always willing to help to get things done. I enjoy helping people but I think I could advocate for myself a bit more.
I never thought I’d be taken advantage of in this way within my marriage - not ever. It completely defies what I’ve always understood marriage, or any healthy relationship for that matter to be. When I married Sarah I can say that on that day, I knew that this would be the strongest of bonds and a source of positivity and energy for the rest of our days.
It creates a lot of anxiety for me both because I truly never thought this type of pain was possible for us and I didn’t see it coming at all. I try to channel these feelings in a way that provides momentum to get stronger in every way possible because I refuse to live like a victim.
I think I also feel a degree of shame from the public view of me now. I feel like people think there is something wrong with me because Sarah looked for happiness somewhere else or people think I am someone who is okay with what happened. My goals here aren’t really all that complex and it's something I (and we) will have to endure, I suppose but I am simply a guy who loves his wife and wants to keep his family together and healthy.
5 - What is one of your favorite memories of us together?
It’s funny that this is the first thing I think about. I’m thinking of how Sarah dropped me off to take one of my teacher certification tests. Maybe it was 2005? I went in with my No. 2 pencils, ID, etc. As I made sure I had nothing that I shouldn’t have in what was sure to be cargo shorts, she went and got my car washed - complete with a new air freshener.
My red 1991 Mazda MX6 never looked better with Sarah sitting in the driver’s seat as I stepped out of the testing center into the hot sun and walked across the parking lot to get into the car. She greeted me with a kiss and lunch.
6 - What is one of the best things that your partner has ever said or done for you?
Nowadays, we playfully propose to each other - sort of a temperature check on that moment’s feelings. The original proposal, however, had to be the best, of course. Back in that early part of 2006, the plan was to do this on a snow covered mountain while skiing. Instead, it happened a couple of days after that at the end of a drive to the north shore of Long Island on what became a February day at the beach. We went to Thomas’s Ham and Eggery in Carle Place after and, though I can’t remember what we ate (most likely a egg white omelet for me and pancakes for Sarah), I can tell you that it was the best tasting food I’ve ever had - because she had said yes.
7 - What is the number one thing you stress about or your number one fear?
My number one fear is losing Sarah.
1 - What is something you always wanted to share with your partner (like an insecurity or fantasy) that you never did?
I think everything is out in the open now with Paul and I so there is nothing left I feel I need to share with him. Even though I know it’s silly, I am definitely insecure about my body compared to models or porn stars. As a kid, I was always teased about being flat chested and I was always very skinny. I couldn’t help it and I’ve always struggled to gain weight. I had a fast metabolism and it was genetic. Throughout my life, I’ve always heard, “You’re so skinny!” or “Wow, you’re in such great shape, you’re so lucky!” or “Shut up! People would kill to look like you.” In middle school, the school nurse thought I was anorexic and called my mother to see what I was eating for lunch. My mother was infuriated. “How dare you single out my daughter like that!” That’s just the way my body was. So I’ve always wanted to have a more voluptuous and curvy body. I know Paul loves my body, but it is something I personally have felt insecure about all my life.
2 - What is one thing you would want to change about our relationship?
I would want to go back in time and never have the affair. I wish I could’ve learned how to express my emotions and feelings better at an earlier stage in our relationship. I would want to not be afraid and be able to be totally honest with Paul from the beginning and not feel judged or ashamed of my past actions.
3 - What is our greatest strength?
Our greatest strength is our soulful connection and our ability to “just be.” We accept each other for who we are, we enjoy doing everything together and we love each other unconditionally. We make a great team when it comes to raising our three beautiful children, we help each other around the house and we keep each other balanced. We can just hold each other’s hand, just watch a favorite TV show together or just go for a drive and be content.
4 - What are you most insecure about?
I am most insecure about myself and what I did to Paul. I am insecure about my inability to express myself sometimes and I am insecure about the emotional relationships Paul may share with coworkers even when he is just being himself and doesn’t mean to make me jealous.
5 - What is one of your favorite memories of us together?
One of my favorite memories of Paul and I was when we traveled from Nice to Paris, France in a couchette on a 12 hour train ride. It was disgustingly hot, the train got delayed, there were other people in our cabin and we had barely any room. All we had was a pitcher of wine, a deck of cards, our video camera and our one person luggage pack. It was brutal, but hysterical at the same time. We just laughed and enjoyed each other’s company and made the best of an uncomfortable situation, while on one of the many travel adventures we have shared.
6 - What is one of the best things that your partner has ever said or done for you?
Paul has given me a second chance at our marriage and a second chance at becoming the best wife and mother I can be. I also enjoy when Paul will voluntarily take off my shoes after a long day, start to massage my feet or make me a cup of tea. I enjoy the little things that help me relax.
7 - What is the number one thing you stress about or your number one fear?
After experiencing this horrific ordeal of going through the affair, getting caught, being blasted out to coworkers, and learning of the horrendous after effects on Paul and myself, not much stresses me out or scares me anymore to be honest when it comes to our relationship. The affair is over and done with and I refuse to take anything for granted anymore and I am determined not to stress over the small things in my life. The only thing I worry about are our children in general. I hope they are always healthy and happy and I hope they can always count on Paul and I to be there for them no matter what. I am also afraid that one day I may have to have my spleen removed due to splenomegaly. If that occurs, I will need infusions of immunoglobulin g in order to protect my body from infections, something which my dad needed to survive his whole life.
Diving into the depths of our insecurities and fears is a healthy part of building deeper relationships with our significant others. By answering these questions, we get to stop and reflect for a moment on what is truly important to us as both individuals and as partners. Encourage your mate to answer these questions and then share each other’s responses with one another. Be open and honest and see where these open lines of communication take you…
