Knocked Up
I was late. I’ve been late before. A few days here and there. I never usually worry too much because my cycle can be off by a couple of days. Paul always jokes, “Are you pregnant?” and we chuckle and say, “Definitely not.” I also can’t be on birth control because of my high blood pressure. Over the last 18 years, we’ve just used “the pull out” method, which my OBGYN will consistently give me that look, “Sarah, you really should look into an IUD or use condoms.” I didn’t want to put in an IUD. One of my co-workers had one and it got lost inside of her. That didn’t sound like a pleasant experience. Of course, about 4 months after Paul learns about my affair, I am late, 4 or 5 days, and decide to take a pregnancy test. There’s no way I’m pregnant. I thought Paul didn’t even cum inside me and it’s never happened like this before unless we were purposely trying to conceive, which thankfully has been successful three times. I mean we have been having sex pretty frequently, about 3 times a week. I stopped at the pharmacy on my way home from work and took the test right away. The screen flashed for a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. “Yes,” it said. Holy shit! I was pregnant.
What was God trying to do to us?! We didn’t want to have any more children and we were already going through one of the most difficult times in our relationship. Well, God was definitely testing us, once more. We both agreed that a baby was not something we could handle, especially with my health issues and the fact that we already have three beautiful amazing children. I had a surgical abortion when I was 19. Damn, did I have to go through this again? My body was in shock. Paul said he would support the decision. I collected myself and my thoughts and decided to call to make an appointment as soon as possible for a medical abortion. It was so early on in the pregnancy that I figured that it wouldn’t be too bad to handle. I was nervous and scared making that phone call, but I did it. It was necessary for my well-being and the well-being of our family. It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was the right decision for us.
Needless to say that’s what’s been going on these last couple of weeks. Paul said one of our biggest strengths is our resilience. I think that’s an understatement. If we can get through an affair and now this, we can get through anything. We are meant to be together, we are here for each other no matter what and we will do whatever we need to do to protect our family and our peace.
Inasmuch as we are already going through one elephantine event - neither of us expected another one. I truly believe that our intentions at this point, though awkward and uncomfortable some of the time, are relatively positive. Especially when you consider the backdrop against which our lives are now playing out. We are certainly putting in the work, as our therapists will say. This includes in the bedroom. The outcome here is that Sarah recently became pregnant.
The decision to not go through with this pregnancy was not an easy one. I suddenly felt a new and heightened degree of emotional, mental and spiritual empathy for Sarah’s having gone through this once before I met her and now twice when thinking of the physical toll something like this has taken on her body. We decided our family was big enough. We decided that Sarah’s age (not to mention mine) and health - and what she endured during our last two pregnancies was also something to be strongly considered. As I presented in our last post, my greatest fear is losing Sarah. Her affair made it feel at times like that had already happened.
We were dealing with Sarah’s infidelity, but we were acting with fidelity and support for each other in the way we went about this decision. I regret not being able to be by Sarah’s side during two doctor visits but we decided it would be best for me to be with our three beautiful children during violin lessons and other outings and errands.
Since this happened I made an appointment with a urologist for a vasectomy consultation. I definitely never thought I would be willingly allowing something sharp near my balls but I don’t want us to have to worry, so I figured I would look into it. I know others who have done it and it doesn't seem like there’s much to it. I’m wondering if any of our readers have had this done and might be able to share their experiences.
Everything happens for a reason. Well, at least that’s what I believe. I believe that this affair was supposed to happen. Sarah needed a wake up call. She needed to learn how to communicate her emotions. She needed to build a deeper relationship with Paul full of respect and honesty. How about this pregnancy? What was God trying to tell us? The eerie part about this is that the baby would have been conceived around the anniversary of Sarah’s dad’s death and the due date was her late mother’s birthday. Maybe it was just a sign from above. Who knows, but Sarah and Paul made the right decision for themselves and their family. Who are we to judge?
