You Better Work, Bitch
When people who know about the situation ask me how I’m doing, I often respond with some variation of, “I’m hanging in there.” Though sometimes a trite comment, I think about it for its real purpose. I think about Teddy Roosevelt stating, “when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Another reply is that I have “good days” and “bad days”. The “good days” are those when I can look to the future with clarity and positivity. When I simply can enjoy that day for its own sake and have fun with my family. The “bad days” are when I think of how selfish Sarah was during her affair. Though it's now obvious how much this affair impacts our health as a family, it impacted Sarah and I and our three kids while it was happening too.
Somewhere in all of this is, “the work”. My therapist generally begins each of our talks with asking how I am doing but also what I have been doing for myself. This is, she says, a part of the work I should be doing to help see myself through this trauma. It is also about Sarah and I working through tough moments together. Not holding things in, but communicating challenges and thoughts we are having and talking them out. Make no mistake, this is not about nourishing grief, but about coming to a full understanding of how navigating this trauma together can help us to emerge stronger as individuals and as a couple.
The greatest therapy for me has always been long-distance running. It is better than the anxiety medicine I am on. I have run two full marathons, 11 half-marathons and a plethora of 5ks, 4M and 10Ks. Even if my knees and hips remind me constantly of my age and the thousands of miles I have run, I try to get out and keep it moving. In fact, this morning I drove into Manhattan to run a 4 mile race around Central Park. I have always loved the camaraderie that exists when you see or are with other runners and this was a great example.
“You have to put in the work.” The “work” is painful, exhausting and emotionally draining. The work is necessary for healing to take place and for moving forward. The “work” includes being honest 100% of the time, answering uncomfortable questions, listening to painful statements, expressing difficult feelings, facing the music, contemplating the “why,” letting go of what you cannot control, going to therapy, accepting support, being vulnerable and getting rid of your armor, being your true self, believing in the process, not giving up, continuing the routine of your daily life, self-care, processing your thoughts in the moment, acknowledging reality and striving to be the best version of yourself. It’s A LOT. I am constantly overwhelmed. The most difficult part for me is seeing the hurt I’ve caused Paul and the comments he makes in regards to the affair. He has the right to say whatever is on his mind. It’s just hard because I internalize these remarks and make myself feel like shit. I need to remind myself that I am not a terrible person and I did not purposely commit adultery to hurt anyone. If it was up to me, alone, I would never think about the affair again. It’s a fleeting memory and I have nothing left to share or feel about it, but it’s not that easy. I can’t get away with my one-sided perspective. I need to be patient with Paul and respect his method of processing this trauma. It is still fresh in his world and the wounds are raw. Sometimes when he brings it up, I want to curl up in a ball and disconnect from him and the world. It is hard to feel close to him, to anyone. I feel defeated. I feel sadness take over. I feel like this will haunt me forever. One can only have faith that all of this will fade gradually, into what I do not know. Yes, Paul and I are resilient, but we are only human and the toll this “work” takes on us will be long and arduous, but worth it for our family and our future together.
There is a great deal of “work” to be done by both the betrayer and the betrayed. While it may seem quite different, almost opposite ends of the spectrum, part of the “work” involves uniting and connecting despite the trauma and post-affair side effects. While Sarah works on accepting what happened, facing the music and becoming the best version of herself, Paul is discovering ways to process what happened and finding outlets to deal with the pain and hurt. The road to recovery and healing is a long and arduous one, but the commitment to themselves, each other and their family is strong and resilient.
