What’s in it for ME??
Paul said that maybe our next post should be about what I got out of the affair. In Paul’s words, “We all know what Brad got out of it.” My quick response to Paul was that I got anxiety and high blood pressure. What DID I get out of the affair? Well, initially I got some kind of thrill, some kind of high-speed chase adventure, some kind of wild escape and an excuse to get wasted and lose control of myself away from all of my responsibilities, seemingly similar to a drug addiction. But is that really what I got out of it or is that just part of the “Why”? I would feel extremely guilty and awful mentally and emotionally in between meetings, but that eventually wore off until I was playfully coerced to continually repeat the same damn mistake over and over again. I didn’t care about the sex. I would always just make myself cum. I just lost myself in a dream world for an hour or two. It didn’t feel real and I let go of all the pain and emotional difficulties I was experiencing. It definitely affected me negatively physically, mentally and emotionally. I got unethical fake attention from a narcissistic dirtbag who didn’t care about his wife and family. My anxiety was constantly through the roof from the affair in addition to other trauma that was occurring in my life and my blood pressure was sky high even though I was on medication. That’s all I can really say about this topic. There was nothing positive about this affair and I didn’t get anything out of it that is worthy of discussion. It was a total dumpster fire, as the millennials would say these days. So Paul, there you go, does that answer your question?
Actually, I was thinking about it and I realized I did get some positive things out of this affair. I learned the red flags about myself and how I operate in relationships. I learned about my true self and how I can now be the best version of myself. I learned about my emotional needs and my emotional modes of expression and how to better communicate and be honest with myself and others. I learned how to face reality and I realized how blessed I am with my wonderful husband and precious family. I got a major wake-up call from this affair and for that I am grateful.
I think Sarah’s response begins to answer the question - the question being ours, not mine alone. Sarah and I share a certain discomfort in some of these questions. I believe what drives us forward is the cleansing feeling that comes after, however. I can feel the wrestling match between the courage and discomfort here. Both in our writing and in the real life discussions we’ll have about it. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly is a book we both have found meaning and value in at times like these.
Sarah has been consistent in how she felt almost suspended out of time, existing in this secret world. But time kept moving forward, of course, even as she retreated further and further into this fantasy. So, whether right or wrong I recently suggested a blog post about what Sarah got out of this affair. Clearly there was a need being met. After the fallout, some who know him spoke of Brad’s reputation for moral laxity. It’s clear what he wanted out of this relationship and he knew how to get it.
Not only is it our hope that this blog will be able to reach and help people, but it also serves as an outlet of expression for us. Paul often has ideas for our blog posts in which I think he feels both the need to communicate his own ideas as well as read what Sarah has to say in response. Paul is still finding ways to process this trauma and still wants answers to certain questions that envelope his mind. He may never wrap his head around this affair and I don’t think Sarah will ever fully understand it either, but at least this blog provides an opportunity to explore and dive into the thoughts and details behind it.
