Roses are Red, Violets are Blue… You/I Had an Affair, But I Still Love You
It sometimes feels like years have gone by since September 20th, 2022. This may be because I am reliving the last several years all over again through a different lens. The abrupt and quick change that I have been feeling isn’t really quick change at all. Jordan Peterson in his book,12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos writes about how some things appear to change quickly, but they are nested within other things that change less quickly. He describes that this is similar to leaves changing more quickly than trees, and trees more quickly than forests. Peterson calls it, “chaos, within order.” There certainly has been chaos within the order in our relationship. What has evolved from this chaos is “a new us” and maybe where I have been the tree, Sarah has been the leaves - so to speak.
Valentine’s Day is a tradition that includes roses, chocolate, etc. It’s orderly and has always been a formal opportunity for couples to express how they feel about each other. This Valentine’s Day, however, I felt a touch of chaos. This chaos loves to do a dance with the anxiety I sometimes feel. Last Halloween, I felt jealous of the folks - some I have known my whole life - I saw with seemingly less chaos in their lives. I know that is an irresponsible statement. We all experience the chaos I am describing on some level. I didn’t feel the same way on the holidays from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. I felt the warmth of order. Perhaps Valentine’s Day and the way it puts our relationship in the spotlight with pressures of people knowing of the situation and the added complexities of social media we deal with created enough chaos to raise my anxieties about it. One thing is for sure, it did not feel the same as it used to. I think this is what drives me to ask questions about, in this case, Valentine’s Day and Sarah’s birthday in the context of Sarah’s affair.
February happens to be a busy month for our family in terms of celebrations. My birthday is February 9th and our eldest son’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. Holidays have been rough especially for Paul since the affair revelation. It started with Halloween. Paul saw all of our town’s families walking the streets together, enjoying time with each other and meeting up with friends and neighbors. I could see the empty look in his eyes and the solemn greetings he gave to others. Thanksgiving was next. We started the day doing a 1 mile turkey trot with the family. Then we started decorating our house for Christmas with lights outside and ended the day with a lovely meal at Paul’s parents house. I remember feeling very connected with Paul that day and we embraced each other often with smiles, hugs and kisses. We were even on the same team for Family Trivial Pursuit. Then came Christmas, the ultimate holiday. This was the most special time of year for our family with many traditions including creating our own character wood cutouts, cookie swap parties, cutting down our own Christmas tree, singing and dancing to Christmas carols, having a Christmas day concert and hosting Christmas day. Paul said that this Christmas would be extra special because it was one without Brad in the picture. I agreed and I think overall our Christmas holiday was enjoyable, yet there were moments of sadness and despair. The final holiday of 2022, New Year’s Eve. I think it represented an important ending and a new beginning for us. We went out to eat at a nice restaurant, all 5 of us. Paul and I took one of our first selfie pictures together that we posted on social media, since the affair was discovered. It was a fun evening sharing laughter, love and some alcoholic drinks.
Now, that takes us to Valentine’s Day. “Did Brad ever ask you to be his Valentine? Did he ever wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day? Did he ever give you a present for Valentine’s Day or your birthday?” NO. Absolutely not. Paul couldn’t believe it. Brad never remembered my birthday and we never spoke about Valentine’s Day or most holidays in any capacity. ‘Then what did you guys talk about at these “meetings”?’ Bullshit, mostly.. People that we both knew, co-workers, tv shows, movies, beer, alcohol, teaching, our kids, vacations, music (OAR, DMB, etc..), concerts, our alibis.. Once again, we never talked about our feelings or emotions or the feelings or emotions of our spouses.. It was like we were talking as friends and nothing more.
Paul has been my true Valentine for over 18 years and I wouldn't want it any other way. I apologized again to Paul telling him that maybe next year’s Valentine’s Day would be better and that he could just buy flowers for our daughter. He wrote back “lol” to me and said he was buying us both some roses. I bought Paul a long sleeved Nike shirt, Nike Mets sandals and a little sign that reads “I Love You.. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.” He despised another sign that I had bought him a few years ago that read, “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” It is a sign that was full of shit and tainted with lies and deception. Paul actually hung this new sign up over this computer desk. Perhaps, that’s another step in the right direction of our healing process together.
Every day is a new adventure with a new us. You never know what order or chaos lies ahead, especially these first set of holidays we are experiencing sans affair. We cannot compare our scenario with social media and we need to focus on ourselves and our healing. It is quite difficult however, as we deal with the hurt, guilt, shame, embarrassment, discomfort, uneasiness, disconnection, uncertainty, worry, anxiety on these days, especially Valentine’s Day, a day on which we are supposed to be celebrating our love and our commitment to one another.
