The Infinite Mark
I’ve left a permanent mark on our souls, on our hearts, on our minds. How can I live with this guilt and shame forever? Today, I sat down to do our taxes on TurboTax and I said to Paul, “There are only 2 definite things in life; taxes and death,” trying to quote Benjamin Franklin. I was in a mood, probably because my monthly friend is about to join us for the first time since the abortion. Living in this sad existence of reality is hard. Of course, there are so many things to be thankful for, but that dark shroud of sadness will always be there. “Will I ever make you happy again?” I asked Paul. To which he replied, “You did and you will.” Once again, another blow to the gut, but it’s reality. I can’t even make myself happy right now. This too shall pass or so everyone says. I keep joking with my therapist, with Paul, with my co-workers, with family members, maybe in 20 years, but am I really joking?
Speaking on the same topic of permanent or infinite marks, Paul and I discussed getting more tattoos since the affair revelation. I think for Paul, getting a tattoo is another form of healing or moving forward. He wants to get several celtic knots on his upper arm (which he has certainly been working out and building his muscles for). One knot in particular called the dara knot represents strength and inner strength. It comes from the Gaelic word, ‘doire,’ which means ‘oak tree.’ I think this is the perfect tattoo for Paul. It shows how grounded Paul has been throughout these devastating last couple of months. He also wants to add our two younger children’s names and/or birthdays somewhere in this new tattoo because he already has a celtic cross on one of his calves with our eldest son’s initials and birthday.
I, too, want to get some new ink. I want to touch up an old tattoo on my foot to have it re-colored. It’s an hibiscus flower with the moon that I got when I was 21. I also want to get 5 small hearts on the side of my pointer finger to represent the “Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️” texts that Paul and I send to each other every day. In addition, I would like to show my future commitment and loyalty to Paul by having his name tattooed around my wedding ring finger. I am truly sorry for what I have done and am sorry for all the pain I have caused him. One last tattoo I am interested in getting is one on the back of my left shoulder of a cardinal and blue jay together sitting on a branch. Whenever I see a cardinal I think of my mom sending a message from heaven and whenever I see a blue jay I think of my dad doing the same. My mom and my dad have always inspired me and I have learned about fortitude and resilience from them through their obstacles and suffering in life. They have also taught me how to be kind and generous to others and have taught me how to be a good parent. I only hope and pray that I will have the same positive influences on our children as well.
I have to say that I am pretty excited about getting a new tattoo. I got my first one right around the time that I turned 30, it is on my right calf and is a Celtic cross. It includes a nod to our first child - his initials and birthdate. Ten years later - and with a lot to look back on - I have some different thoughts about the second one. I would love some of our readers to weigh in too, actually.
I’d like this new tattoo to be on my left arm. My thoughts are that it should include the Dara knot - another Celtic symbol significant of strength. This is a theme I always want to be a constant in my life. In addition, I’d like to include the initials and birthdates of our other two children, the five hearts Sarah and I send to each other each day, and parts of text from the “Man in the Arena” portion of Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech. I am referring to the part below from this address given by TR at the Sorbonne in 1910:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
I have always been impressed by these words and have a couple of renditions hung up here in our home.
These infinite marks are symbolic for Paul and I. I have brought upon a permanent mark or scar, if you will, on our bond of marriage. And while this mark is a shameful adverse one, these new tattoos bring to light the commitment and love we have for each other and our family as well as the strength we carry each and every day to face the reality of what was, what is and what is to come.
