On the Defensive

It's easy to see the extent to which therapy has made Sarah uncomfortable. She has never been a “talker” and has often been passive when discussing something that strikes a serious note. Thus, the very nature of therapy is challenging for her to engage in. I think this can frustrate us both in different ways. It makes me feel like she is deflecting. Like I am not being heard or understood.  

We generally share what we discussed in our individual therapy sessions with each other. Something I discussed with my therapist during our last few sessions was the possibility of my leaving our school district for another position, something promotional. My therapist asked if the motivation here was purely professional or if there might be some personal reasons for this also. I described that, although things had plateaued a bit at work, I didn’t feel 100% comfortable, of course. Something she presented as more than reasonable and something I really didn’t question all that much figuring that most people would likely feel the same. 

I came upstairs from our basement after my most recent therapy session and shared, among other items, this with Sarah. She seemed to recoil immediately and like a knee after being hit with a small rubber mallet became defensive of her colleagues, stating that they were “supportive” and other superlatives. I sort of felt hit by another type of hammer, rubber or otherwise. I didn’t remember attacking her or them in any way. I simply said that I didn’t feel 100% comfortable around them. 

From a social standpoint, and perhaps for the members of Sarah’s department as much as for me, they might themselves be sort of uncomfortable with knowing Brad, Sarah and I for so many years and in so many different contexts. Maybe they are recalling times when all three of us were at the same BBQs or any other events during the last sixteen years. These might be weddings, wakes, or brunches. They might be Mets games, 10k races, or comic show fundraisers. Sarah will constantly say, “they don’t care”. I am sure they do say this - I might too if the roles were reversed. But my perception of things would definitely change. 

Sarah has at times been so black and white about these things. When she gets tongue-tied, she’ll simply burst out with a statement such as, “well, we just wont hang out with them ever again.” Or, she will say she doesn’t want to talk about what I might discuss with my therapist. I told her a day or two after this, that it's not like I never want to be around the members of her department, but that I hope she would respect that I might want us to scale that back a bit at this point.  

From a professional standpoint, I don’t want this to now define me completely. A sizable chunk of the staff at our high school know about this and as a new member of the “team”, for some this might be all they know about me. This includes the building’s entire administration. A “chunk” of district central office personnel know too, including the superintendent and assistant superintendents. While they reassure me of things and recommend that I shouldn’t leave, sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me.

It is completely my fault. Everything. I turned Paul’s life upside down. A complete 180. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I am a grown adult who acted like a teenager with no boundaries. Then why do I occasionally lash out at Paul? Why am I on the defensive and start to try to rationalize everything with nonsensical remarks? Why would I continue to hurt Paul’s feelings by cursing or giving him the finger when it’s hard to hear the truth?

I’ve always had trouble expressing myself emotionally and never did well with confrontation. I was a quiet, timid child, but had many friends and enjoyed participating in school. I think as long as it didn’t have to do with my feelings or emotions, I was able to be outgoing. However, I was a people pleaser throughout my life. I did what my parents told me (until I became a bit of a rebellious teenager) and always behaved and followed the rules in school. I didn’t want to make anyone mad, I wanted to be well-liked by everyone and didn’t know how to handle myself under the pressure of being challenged or opposed when it came to human nature and empathy. I didn’t know how to react in sad or sympathetic situations as my family never talked about feelings in depth. My parents were usually very good at keeping any family trauma or drama out of the lives of my brother and I. We had a wonderful childhood filled with fun family gatherings and celebrations, sports events and exciting vacations. I don’t remember crying much as a kid or feeling passionate about any one particular thing. I just tried to be the best at everything, a versatile perfectionist, if you will, which is still one of my downfalls I am trying to overcome.

Lately, I feel that overall I have done a decent job at expressing myself to Paul, using words of affirmation to help him heal and respond maturely and honestly to Paul’s questions and comments despite the difficult nature. On days we have therapy, Paul has therapy every Monday and I have therapy every other Wednesday, I feel anxious. Either anxious about what Paul is going to say to his therapist about me, what his therapist is going to judge me about or what Paul may conclude I discussed during my therapy session. I need to get over this. Therapy is supposed to be helpful for the both of us. I told Paul, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t go to therapy anymore. Just being honest.

A few days ago, after Paul’s therapy session, I asked him how it went and what they talked about. We usually divulge everything to one another as it helps open our line of communication. He mentioned something about how stressful his job is and how he would like to find another job where he is well respected, has a better quality of life and a fair workload. Of course, this personal situation of the affair comes into play as well because Brad used to work at our school over 9 years ago and Paul correlates the affair with our building being where it all began. Obviously, most of our coworkers know about the situation, particularly due to Lauren’s explosive texts, so Paul expressed that he was still uncomfortable around the teachers in my department, some of whom knew Brad well. For whatever reason, I snapped at Paul, “but those teachers are supportive of both of us!” I clearly did not respect his feelings in that moment, which are totally valid. Then I went off on a tangent and I can’t even tell you what we discussed in that heated half an hour that followed. Again, why was I getting so defensive about those I work with? I think part of it was that any time the affair is brought up, it brings back shame, guilt, embarrassment and torment for me. And instead of just affirming Paul’s emotions, I snapped. I tend to irrationally explode sometimes and not seem to make any sense as I circle round and round trying to hold my ground upon which I have no leg to stand on. Throughout my life, I would react similarly to any situation that was out of my control or that someone confronted me seriously with that sparked any emotions of sadness, jealousy or anger. Paul responded with, “This is why you need the therapy, Sarah.” I think I also feel like whenever Paul talks to me about a serious matter, I feel like he speaks from the “adult”, “father figure” or “administrator” point of view and I act like the “child” or “immature one.” I have difficulty being serious and eloquent in these hard to deal with realities and traumas. And this may be part of the reason I strayed because I needed a “painkiller” or “escape” from all of the difficult situations in my life. I am learning each and every day and while there are many setbacks, I know that how I reacted to Paul was totally uncalled for, but at the same time, it feels good when I release my inner angst and let it all hang out.

I need to remember to pause, reflect and then respond. I also need to remember that all of these raw feelings are valid and must be respected. Paul is my closest friend and confidant and is the only one I can speak to as my true self. Unfortunately, part of my true self is exploding, becoming defensive and saying irrational things. So sometimes I take advantage and let my mouth move faster than I can think. It is my way of letting go of my frustrations and pent up emotions, but it is wrong to take it out on Paul. I need to work on this.