Red Light… Green Light… 1, 2, 3!
A few days after Paul found out about the affair, along with finding a therapist, I went on Amazon to find some self-help books. I came across a few highly recommended titles dealing with affairs and communication. I have since then read several of these books. The one that stands out the most for me is “Healing from Infidelity” by Michele Weiner-Davis. Michele is a bestselling author and a renowned marriage therapist who designed this book by alternating chapters; one chapter is geared towards the betrayed, while the next is aimed at the betrayer. The whole vision is to read the book in its entirety and learn about dealing with traumatic and intense feelings, asking and responding to questions, overcoming flashbacks and painful memories, rebuilding trust and accountability, finding forgiveness and reconnecting sexually from both perspectives. One particular chapter for the unfaithful partner, based on rebuilding your relationship, gave me a new mantra that I can use on a daily basis during this affair recovery process. “I will make working on myself and our marriage a way of life. I’m not just going through the motions to avoid marital disaster. I want to do whatever it takes to make our marriage happy for the long haul.” Another part of that chapter, discusses forgiving yourself. It reads “Let the past be the past. Start tomorrow with a clean slate. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You deserve it. Maya Angelou once said, ‘It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself to forgive. Forgive everybody.’ That includes you.”
Another book I read is called “Four Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work - Anywhere!” by Bento C. Leal III. This book is applicable in all areas of life. My biggest take away from this book are the concepts of both empathetic listening and empathetic speaking. Empathetic listening involves being an active listener which includes not interrupting, listening fully and openly and being able to say back what the other person was saying and feeling in your own words. Empathetic speaking revolves around the ideas of clarifying and organizing your thoughts, speaking with respect and thanking people for listening.
I have also read “Expressive Writing: Words that Heal” by James W. Pennebaker and John F. Evans, in which I decided to complete a recommended four day writing exercise. I wrote for twenty minutes continuously, for four consecutive days at the same time. The audience of your writing is for you and you alone and there is no need to worry about grammar or sentence structure. The main topic of my writing was the affair, but I let my writing take me wherever my thoughts traveled. After the four days, I felt a release of some heavy emotions that had been bottled up inside for years. It also helped me reflect on my actions and past traumas on a deeper level.
I have been using a journaling book as well, called “52 Lists for Calm” by Moorea Seal, which one of my sister-in-laws bought for me one Christmas. Each day you make a list with a different topic or theme in mind that are all intended to help soothe anxiety and create a more peaceful life.
Finally, I am currently reading “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown, which was highly recommended by Paul. Based on the infamous “Man in the Arena” quote by Theodore Roosevelt, it focuses on becoming vulnerable (something with which I personally significantly struggle) in order to live with courage, purpose and connection. I look forward to reading on and reading other books so that I can become a lifelong learner during this healing process.
You're driving in your car. The traffic light ahead turns yellow - do you slow down or speed up. In Healing from Infidelity: The divorce busting® guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair by Michele Weiner-Davis, there is a discussion about how this very common scenario might be applied to triggers in a person’s behavior. This created what is sure to be an ongoing dialogue between Sarah and I - one we hope you all might join us in. I’ll emphasize that this is an ongoing process and we are trying to define and assign some of what our “lights” are in real-time. For example, I stated this week how, given Sarah’s descriptions that alcohol had a part to play in some of her affair behaviors, that a “red light” for me was for her not to engage in excessive drinking. At least not in social settings and/or when I am not around.
During the last few days, Sarah really started to open up about something she presented as bothering her for several years - something she would label a red light for her. We agreed she felt uncomfortable, not to say jealous, of some of my professional relationships. For example, she stated that some of the conversation that might have been had or the time I invested in some of the members of my staff crossed a line for her. She went on to describe the idea that I might have been doing this because she was not providing that for me. This made us both upset. We have been and will continue to talk this out because it offers a light on something we really have never talked about in 18 years. Though I assured her that my actions were always well-intentioned, I could see that this really bothered Sarah and I fully intend to make appropriate changes and be more conscious of it going forward.
We have recognized that there is no step by step approach to healing. This has not stopped us from looking for some sort of plan. Even if Weiner-Davis wasn’t thinking of it in this way, the red, yellow and green light formula in the book offers at the very least a framework to discuss some of these things that bother us as we continue to open up and communicate in new ways and about new and old things.
A good deal of our conversation has included social media. As much as social media can be a powerful tool - it can also be an unwilling weapon at times. A few years ago, I had gone through somewhat of a purification process with my followers. This was on the heels of me expressing some discontent in everything from some of the social media relationships Sarah maintained with folks she really never interacted with to someone she had slept with in her past. I told her I was uncomfortable with this. This came up again, now for Sarah with some of my followers. This prompted me to take a look at this again and unfollow some of these people. I don’t know that we have labeled this “red” or “yellow” yet at this point but it certainly doesn’t feel like it is “green”. What do you think?
Check out our “Red Light… Green Light… 1, 2, 3” poll on Instagram and follow as at @a.new.us
