Turn the Lights Back On

Billy Joel just released a new song after 30 years. “Did I wait too long… to turn the lights back on?” Many can relate to the lyrics in many aspects of their lives. The first thing that comes to mind for me is my relationship with Paul and what I have done to tarnish our relationship forever.

“I’m late, but I’m here right now

Though I used to be romantic

I forgot somehow

Time can make you blind

But I see you now

As we’re laying in the darkness

Did I wait to long

To turn the lights back on?”

I may have taken our relationship for granted and completely devastated Paul, but through Billy’s words, I realize that I am here right now for Paul and we can be stronger than ever. It’s never too late and anything is possible through forgiveness and love.

“I'm late, but I'm here right now

And I'm tryin' to find the magic

That we lost somehow

Maybe I was blind

But I see you now

As we're laying in the darkness

Did I wait too long

To turn the lights back on?”

Paul and I have gone through the roughest, most miserable time of our lives, but if we can overcome the dark times, there is hope and light ahead.

“I'm late, but I'm here right now

Is there still time for forgiveness?

Won't you tell me how?

I can't read your mind

But I see you now

As we're layin' in the darkness

Did I wait too long

To turn the lights back on?”

I lost myself somewhere in these last ten years, but I know all the love I have in my heart for Paul, for our family and for myself. We are only human and humankind is flawed and forever changing, so let’s take the good and bad and move forward. We can work through the sad and difficult times and shine a light on tomorrow. We all deserve to be happy and there’s no time like the present to be proud of who we are and continue on our path toward healing and joyfulness. We all deserve a second chance and should be thankful for who and where we are in life.

An Ode to Sarah’s Curves

In the playful banter of our daily life,

A comment made, in jest, not strife.

"Imagine a blog post about my tush,"

She teased with a smile, our laughter a rush.

As we binge-watch 'Survivor,' night by night,

Wrapped in each other, holding tight.

Her silhouette in the TV light glows,

A cherished form, my admiration grows.

Butt cup, a term of endearment so dear,

Her curves, a joy, ever so clear.

Perhaps a scent to speak, and beauty that calls,

In every cheek, a story enthralls.

Through every episode, every twist and shout,

Our laughter and love, they never run out.

A touch, a glance, pleasure shared in the spread,

Her cherished form, where my heart is led.

So here's to the shape, to the love we've put,

A light-hearted ode to her unique strut.

In teasing and jest, as we lovingly discuss,

Embracing her form, in laughter, we trust.

Like the Waves

My father, a local leader in our church, and my mother have been like rocks, enduring the relentless waves of life's challenges. Their strength in adversity deeply influenced me, especially as I navigated the initial loneliness following Sarah’s affair. Therapy has been pivotal, enhancing my self-awareness and guiding my growth, echoing the themes of persistence and courage akin to those in Teddy Roosevelt’s "The Man in the Arena." I’ve come to understand, much like the ideas explored in Yung Pueblo’s Lighter, that our identities are fluid and evolving is key to healing. Embracing change, and understanding that nothing about us is ever static, aligns with the idea that the ego often clings to labels, which can hinder our growth. Healing is about sustained growth, sometimes necessitating help to shift perspectives.
Each day presents an opportunity for personal growth, a chance to redefine myself as a husband, father, and individual. Like my parents, who have weathered life's storms with resilience, I am committed to a path of honesty and continual self-improvement. This journey of evolution is not just about overcoming challenges, but also about becoming more compassionate, understanding, and connected to the depths of the human experience. It’s a journey of continual self-discovery, focused on building a future founded on trust, love, and understanding. In this process, I've learned the importance of being like the waves, not just the rocks – adaptable, ever-changing, and resilient. This approach, inspired by the lessons from my parents and insights similar to those in Lighter, is what guides me through life's complexities and helps in forging a path of genuine healing and growth.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! As we step into this new year, I, Paul, am setting a resolution to dedicate more time to writing. It's a journey I deeply value, one that allows me to express and connect. After the heartbreak of betrayal, I revisited the path of therapy, turning to a trusted former coworker and school social worker for initial guidance. Familiar with the therapeutic process from past experiences dealing with work and doctoral anxieties, I quickly secured an 'in-network' therapist. Now, more than a year into our sessions, my therapist and I have developed a deep connection. We skillfully weave discussions of personal betrayal with work-related stresses, creating a supportive space for me to unpack my emotions productively. As I continue to share my journey through our blog, I find it increasingly important to extend a hand to fellow men navigating similar paths. This story isn't just mine; it's a shared narrative of resilience, understanding, and the universal quest for healing.

Physical Therapy

9/25/23

So, on the evening of Saturday, August 26th, I missed a turn while riding my bike, skidded, and went over a retaining wall. I landed mostly on my right shoulder. Readers might recall that I had been training for a triathlon. Well, this was the night before - so, no triathlon for me. Instead, I spent the rest of the night in the local emergency room. Not the way I expected the summer to end or the new school year to begin.

Perhaps most frustrating though fortunate was the fact that this accident happened just as I was crossing our local ball fields on my way home from my sisters just across town. I have been traversing this area for at least thirty years. What do they say about accidents? They happen within a few minutes from home? Something like that - I forget.

From helping me get my shirt on and off, to helping me shower, Sarah continues to be a phenomenal nurse. I was in a sling for a few weeks and have begun physical therapy. The physical therapists have been so reassuring and have explained that I should not write-off participating in an event - even in the not too distant future. They encouraged me to get in the pool and go for a swim which I did yesterday. It felt great. Tomorrow will mark a month and I feel like I am making great progress.

This past week also marked one year since I learned of Sarah’s affair. My therapist, and now my physical therapists continue to help me to get stronger. This is exactly what I intend to do. I had a session with my therapist earlier today, as a matter of fact. She congratulated me and said, “you did it”. I said in response, “yes, we did”.

• Paul

A year ago today…

9/20/23

I am proud of us today and with a smile on my face I can confidently say I am happy and thankful for you and all of the struggles we have endured over the last year. While it seems like a distant memory and I do not wish to think about the raw emotions and anxiety that were unleashed this very day, one year ago, I know that there is still and will always be an open wound.

I am proud of myself and the confidence and trust I have built within. I am proud of you for making peace with yourself and the situation as best you can.

I will try not to dwell on the past and not worry about what anyone else thinks of me or us. I have learned about me as a person and realized I am worthy of goodness and love. I have taken ownership of who I am and what I did and have turned it into a part of my life that is broken, yet beautiful. I am a good person and will continue to honor and love you all the days of my life.

Thank you for choosing me over and over again. I love you and our family and am always striving to be the best version of myself. It’s not an easy road, but there are only good days ahead.

We can get through anything together and I hope you know I will always take care of you and your heart.

At Peace

Sorry that I have not posted in a while. Sometimes the end of the school year comes with a level of chaos that overwhelms me and I need a longer “off-ramp” than at other times. Obviously, this year threw some additional and unexpected curveballs at me and so maybe it took a little longer for me to really believe the school-year was over. 

Sarah and I recently had a couples therapy session. That discussion gave me some additional clarity on how I have been feeling lately. It has been a bit hard to put into words and I usually don’t say things like this for some misplaced fear of the “other shoe dropping” and thinking that it was a result of committing my feelings to air (or to this page) - but, I feel at peace. I think this discussion, which included some talk about how Sarah seems to monitor my phone activity more than I do hers (which I said I found odd) speaks to this feeling of peace.  

I feel like I have been reading so many self-help books, scrolling Instagram and expecting that through osmosis (or diffusion?) something someone else experienced or said would just sink beneath my skin and give me some new direction. I can say that I have never been so honed into the present - and I am enjoying it. I am trusting myself and caring for myself in different ways. I am actually stopping to take in the things I have done and accomplished - large or small. I feel like it has always been one thing after another without ever really taking stock to appreciate what has happened. 

At this moment, I credit a few things for what I’ll call this enhanced perspective. First, I do what my therapist says - which is to make sure that I do healthy things for myself. One of those things was to sign up for my first-ever triathlon sprint. I have jumped into this training “with both feet”. I got myself a coach, joined a team, and thanks to Sarah’s support, I have been dedicated to the training - I even completed my first open water swim this past Sunday morning.        

I love Sarah, but I know I have not loved myself enough. With our fifteenth wedding anniversary about a week away and almost a year after learning about Sarah’s infidelity, I feel this is worth celebrating.

Paul has told myself and our therapist that he truly feels better to be in his position as the one who was betrayed rather than in my position, as the betrayer. Paul says he is “at peace” with himself and the current situation as he has chosen to embrace the present and take care of himself mentally, physically and emotionally. For me, even though the first few weeks and months of the affair revelation were tumultuous and ravaging to say the least, I find myself struggling more now to find myself and find my place in this world after hurting Paul and breaking our marriage into pieces. I compare it to the deaths of my parents. The initial shock and raw emotions have worn off and now it’s time to face reality and face myself, alone, at times because Paul cannot understand the other side of the coin. I am facing someone everyday that I have disappointed tremendously and our relationship will never be the same. How can I learn to live again? How can I be myself again? How can I enjoy life again?

A Note to Myself

In our last couples therapy session, our therapist asked me in the middle of therapy what I needed from Paul in that particular moment as I was crying, thinking about how he is put on a pedestal and I am scum in this affair situation. I didn’t know what I needed. I said I didn’t need anything from him and felt like he has supported me as best as he could during these last ten months of our post-affair life. As a result of this conversation with our therapist, part of my “homework” was to write down in a sentence what I feel I need from Paul at this point in the recovery process. Tonight, I decided to write it down and it ended up becoming more of a free-write exercise, but here are the words that came out on the paper:

“To be honest, I feel like I cannot ask anything from Paul since he gave me a second chance at our life together. I got upset and irritated during our last session when Paul (as a joke) portrayed himself as an ‘angel’ and told me how I should feel about his family supporting us, etc… that I should be ‘grateful’ and I shouldn’t act or think a certain way because it is ‘destructive.’ I don’t enjoy therapy to begin with so I don’t want to be told how I should feel or think…

I am trying to pause and reflect more before I respond and am trying to be the best version of myself every day… I know we don’t really talk about the affair anymore and of course, I don’t want to, but if you ever want to bring it up because something is bothering you or you feel a certain way, you can. I just feel like I ‘killed you’ and I ruined my life at the same time. It will always be in the back of my mind and sometimes I feel like it’s not fair. You said during therapy that ‘You would rather be you, the one that was betrayed, in this situation rather than be me, the betrayer.’ I totally understand that because you can go about your life knowing that you are the loyal, honest one that can feel good about yourself. I am the one who will be consumed with feelings of shame and negativity the rest of my life. My friends say I am resilient and I must appear that way on the outside, but my life has forever changed and I will always be tortured internally and feel uncomfortable about who I am as a human being.

All my life I’ve let other people influence me and I’ve always been a people pleaser. I’ve really never been completely my true self and I don’t even really know today who the real Sarah is at heart. I’ve always tried to impress people and be well liked by everyone. I’ve always taken care of others, made others feel good about themselves and put others first. I am working on finding myself and not worrying about what others think of me.

As we spoke about in therapy as well, there are so many distractions in our life which can be viewed as positive and negative aspects of our healing journey. We have daily routines, we take care of our children and family, we enjoy our summer adventures, there are doctors’ appointments, camps, your job, etc… which goes to show how amazing our children are and how much fun we are having as a family. We have a lot going on which is a good thing, but at the same time should we be taking a step back to check in with our emotions and where we are as a couple?

There will always be sadness deep down and you are the constant reminder of what I did and how I hurt you. I personally don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to share my feelings, I’d rather go on with my daily life and just enjoy life because who knows if we’ll be here tomorrow. I feel somewhat numb when it comes to my emotions lately because I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole and I have nothing more to say. I just want to continue learning how to be myself and not be a certain way to appease others. I want to continue growing stronger mentally so that I can try to live a happy life. I also miss my parents, tremendously because I think that if they were both alive and still together all these years, I never would have done this.”

One last thought that I would like to share is after our last couples therapy session, Paul pointed out something that hit me hard. I brought up the fact that his family was not so kind to us when we first started dating because as they said they were “bitter and angry,” whatever that meant at the time. I said he should be grateful that I didn’t run the other way when I was treated horribly especially by some of his sisters. And then he said “I was grateful and I am grateful everyday that I get to be in the same room as you.” It stopped me in my tracks. Then he continued, “I think the problem is you didn’t feel the same way.” Paul was right. If I felt the same way, I would never had an affair no matter what anxiety, stress or problems were going on in our lives.

Sarah’s Secret: Hair or Bare?

“Deep breath in, hold.. <<rip>>.. now breathe out quickly.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain level hit about a 7 or 8. It was quick though with some lingering sore aftermath. “Wow!” is all I could say. I was not expecting that experience. I went with one of my co-workers, Paula. She went into one of the rooms first. I heard her yell and curse. Holy shit - was it that bad?? It was. They say the first two or three times are the most painful. The whole process only took about 15 minutes. It was a combination of humiliation, as you lay naked from the waist down with feet together, knees spread apart, and brief torture. Even though it was excruciating at some points, Paula had me in tears of laughter. She distracted me from the affliction. “How are you not in pain?!?” she exclaimed from the room next door. I was, but all I could think about was that giving birth three times, naturally, twice without any drugs, was a million times worse. I also failed to mention the compromised position of holding your knees to your chest while the technician rips hot wax from around your butthole!

I’ve always shaved for the last 23 years or so and have never been a fan of hair down there either. Maybe the occasional “landing strip” or bikini area triangle, but I’d rather be totally bare down there, particularly in the summer bathing suit months. Some women choose to go the laser route, but that is expensive and painful initially as well. Ironically, pubic hair does serve a purpose. It provides protection against friction that can cause skin irritation in this sensitive area. It helps reduce the amount of sweat produced around the vagina and it helps block your vagina from bacteria and infections.

Despite our first traumatic waxing session, Paula and I are going to follow through and go again in four weeks.

Have you had a Brazilian? Is it worth the pain? What about laser? Share your thoughts or comments below!

Is Therapy Forever?

Paul and I have been in therapy now for about eight months. Paul meets with his individual therapist about once a week. I used to meet with mine once a week, as well. Then we adjusted our sessions to once every two weeks and now it is even less frequent, about once every three weeks. Paul and I have also had two couple therapy sessions within the last six months or so. The questions I am contemplating in this post are “How long do I need to go to individual therapy?” and “Is talk therapy the right solution for everyone and is it effective for every situation?”

During my therapy sessions, lately, I find myself getting easily upset and crying at the notion that therapy itself is a reminder of what I have done to myself, Paul and my family. I almost feel like it is taking me backwards in time rather than forward in the healing process. My therapist constantly reminds me that we are all human and we all make mistakes. He said he is “pretty” confident (ha!) that I would never do anything like this again. Well, OBVIOUSLY NOT! (But only I know my true self and I am the only one who really trusts me 1000%, at this point). I always reiterate to my therapist that I don’t care about other people believing me or trusting me, including my husband. I mean my husband used to trust me with all his heart and soul and I cheated on him right under his nose. So really, if you think about it, what is trust really? Trust to me, now, means believing in oneself because only you can be responsible for your actions and only you know your motives, values and . All that work that I had to do and has to be done is within myself. I will continue to be the best version of myself everyday, but at the same time, I will not change who I really am deep down inside.

I was never one who liked to talk about my feelings or emotions or one that needed to de-stress by talking about my day or have someone give me a pat on the back for my accomplishments.  On the other hand, I think that Paul likes therapy overall, and not just because of the affair, but as an outlet. It’s someone he can talk to about his daily anxiety and work stresses and someone who can give him an ego boost and bounce ideas back at him. I view Paul’s therapy as a positive outlet and I view mine as a negative one. Paul’s is an example of overcoming a giant blow to the heart and gut, while mine is an example of expressing my flawed and fucked up ways of life. My therapist wants to make therapy more positive for me, but I’m not sure how that would work. I definitely do not want to continue therapy forever. I understand the magnitude of my unexcusable screw-up, I know the reasons behind my behavior, I will never ever do anything like this again, I have learned how to express myself better and how to react in a more reflective manner, I want to spend all my time with my wonderful and loving family, what else is there? I’ve talked about my past and my parents deaths and of course, particularly the affair and its repercussions. I do not want to be reminded of it any longer and I don’t feel stressed in any other aspects of my life, so I strain for things to talk about during my sessions.

I told my therapist and Paul that I would be willing to still “check-in” every now and then with a couples’ therapy session. That’s what this is all about anyhow to make sure Paul and I are on the same page and to make sure we understand what we are feeling.

Of course, the road to healing is far from over. There will be many days that will remind Paul or myself of something related to the affair, perhaps our next block party this summer (when last year I chose to ditch it to see a concert with work friends and ending up seeing Brad there) and most definitely, our niece’s birthday, the infamous day, “September 20th,” the day that Paul will never forget the phone call he received from Lauren revealing the affair. But we will get through those days with the tools we have acquired for dealing with these uncomfortable situations and will become stronger still.

I don’t think that therapy necessarily needs to be forever, nor do I feel that therapy is for everyone or every situation. If it works and makes you feel better then all the power to you, if you’ve reached your goal and plateaued in your discussions, then maybe it’s time to move on. Let’s see what Paul has to say about this…

So, my therapist and I recently discussed this topic a bit. I admitted that sometimes, I didn’t even want to meet. I likened it to how, at times, I might not want to workout. We acknowledged that those can sometimes be the best workouts. For me, therapy serves different purposes. One, is a way to navigate work-related anxiety. I briefly met with a couple of different therapists a few years ago - before I knew of Sarah’s infidelity. Perhaps the most powerful difference that I can feel is now I recognize how guarded I was in those early sessions. My ego kept me from completely telling the whole truth about how I was feeling about a given situation. Since September 20th, 2022, my ego is shot. It doesn’t have the same strength. Therapy is helping to decide if this is a good or bad thing - I’ll try to keep our readers posted. Sarah going to therapy is her decision. I see the same value in it for her as I do for me. 

An excerpt from the article When Should You Stop Therapy? A Therapist Explains the End Game by Ryan Buxton :

“Your relationship with a therapist can be one of the most meaningful, insightful, and productive collaborations you’ll have in your life. But it should ultimately come to an end — and that’s by design.

‘Therapy isn’t supposed to be forever,” says licensed therapist Keir Gaines. “There is an endpoint.’
Coming to the conclusion of a therapeutic relationship can feel different than you might have expected.

‘Some people feel this impostor syndrome because they get the growth, but it doesn’t feel the way they thought it would,’ Gaines says. ‘They’re like the dog chasing the car that finally catches the car, sinks his teeth into the bumper, and now he’s like, ‘Oh, that’s it?’ But growth is not about the destination. It’s the journey.’
That said, unlike growth, therapy does have an endpoint. That could be 12 weeks, six months, a year, or perhaps longer — it really depends on what’s brought you to therapy and how much time it takes to unpack the issues you’re dealing with. Luckily, your therapist is the perfect guide for navigating that and breaking up these big-picture conversations into manageable pieces.

For example: ‘When we say the words ‘childhood trauma,’ it’s one thing, but if we compartmentalize it, it’s a million different little pieces for some people,” Gaines says. “It may take us three months to cope with one of those little pieces, and then it may take us 10 years to cope with another of those little pieces.’

Because progress is a continuum, it’s important to understand what will have changed when you reach the endpoint of your therapy. It’s less about solving every single problem and more about having the tools to deal with those problems when they rear their head.

‘Once you find a healthy way to cope with something, it doesn’t stop being an issue in your life. It’s never going to stop, but you’re able to deal with it in a way that’s more beneficial to your long-term mental and emotional health,’ Gaines says. ‘When you have the tools to self-regulate, then it’s time to start closing things out. It’s not about forever being in a space where we come together on this one issue. It’s about working on it enough to get to a place where you can self-sustain. You can tread water, and you’re not going to drown.’”

To check out the whole article go to:

When You Should Stop Therapy? A Therapist Explains the End Game

Raising Wholehearted Children

The History Channel offers a great documentary-style series on one of my favorite historical personalities - Theodore Roosevelt. Obviously, I recommend you watch. I have been reading about “TR” since I was a kid and one of the things I always appreciated was the relationship he had with his father. His father gave him great advice and I believe instilled in him a great deal of what Brene Brown would find inspiring in her writing of her book, Daring Greatly - a key phrase in Theodore Roosevelt’s Citizen in a Republic speech at the Sorbonne.

Theodore Sr. would say things like, “Teedie, you have to make your body”, and “bones were made to move”. Similarly, when my dad had his own sayings for things. When he would be doing work on our house, he would give me a piece of scrap wood, so that I could participate in the work. At some point during his observations of my feverish sawing, he would stop me, sometimes holding the back of my elbow, and say, “Paul, let the tool do the work”. He has always taught me patience and has prepared me for life’s challenges. 

I have always appreciated Brown’s take on providing appropriate challenges to our kids and balancing it with appropriate support. This might be the most important approach we can take as parents. We have to live it too. We have to be models for our children.

I finally finished reading, “Daring Greatly,” by Brene Brown. I know Paul and I have referenced this book throughout some of our posts. The last chapter is called, “Wholehearted Parenting: Daring to be the Adults We Want our Children to Be.” We are called upon as parents to

• Acknowledge that we can’t give our children what we don’t have and so we must let them share in our journey to grow, change and learn

• Recognize our own armor and model for our children how to take it off, be vulnerable, show up and let ourselves be seen and heard

• Honor our children by continuing on our own journeys toward Wholeheartedness

• Parent from a place of “enough” rather than scarcity

• Mind the gap and practice the values we want to teach

• Dare greatly, possibly more than we’ve ever dared before

As a parent of three beautiful, amazing children, this chapter stood out to me the most. Parenting is one of the most incredible yet challenging adventures in life. If we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. We need to separate our children from their behaviors. Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better. When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviors. This speaks to me as an adult as well and the recent affair trauma that Paul and I have experienced. We must also normalize mistakes and struggles for our children and let them know that they are not alone and that we’ve gone through many of the same situations. Our children need us to model the journey of life for them and we need to teach them how to treat one another, express our feelings and be the best versions of ourselves. During the affair, I did not think about how my atrocious actions would impact my children. Even though they did not know what was going on, I realize that I don’t want my children growing up with a mother who would be a part of such destructive behavior. Some other interesting aspects of this chapter include “lighting up” when your children enter a room, instead of criticizing them or putting them down. It also speaks about supporting other parents and their parenting styles and not making it a contest. And lastly, to reflect Theodore Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” quote, Brene Brown says that “If we’re always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.” What a powerful statement that I need to work on as a parent. I want to make sure my children are always safe and protected, but they eventually need to learn how to be independent, interact with others, and learn from their failures and shortcomings. “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.”

Check out “The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto” from Brene Brown’s website:

The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

Let It Go

We are all hardwired to respond and react according to our past experiences. Whether we dealt with trauma or grew up in a loving household there are many factors that come into play. It is easier for us to handle situations in the same manner that we have been for years without stopping to pause and reflect. We also may hold pent up emotions that affect the way we interact with others.

Recently Paul and I went out to dinner for a date at a very nice Greek restaurant. I was feeling a little down because my aunt is in the process of selling her home in the Poconos, which is a special house near and dear to me and my family. My grandparents lived there and built part of the house and I grew up visiting that house from when I was a baby until now. Last week was probably the last time I was going to see the house. Paul and I took the kids to visit. They love the nostalgic artwork, secret lofts, ping-pong table, visiting the lake and exploring the woods, as did I growing up. Visiting my aunt and realizing that the era of the “horse house” is coming to an end also reminded me that I don’t have many family members left. My mom and dad are deceased and passed away at relatively young ages (56 and 66) and I really only have my brother, who is supportive, but in his own world of djing, sneakers and unique fashion sense (which I cannot relate to) and has his own issues of sobriety to deal with. It just made me sad especially that even though my mom was a pain in the ass, I called her everyday on my way home from work. I miss that and I miss my dad’s sense of calm, rational self. Don’t get me wrong, Paul’s family is being very supportive of me at Paul’s request to which I am grateful. However, Paul’s sisters have always treated us as outsiders ever since the day I first met them. They were very rude to us, disrespectful, jealous, “bitter and angry” as they would say. Paul says I need to “let it go.” I am and have always been very nice to Paul’s family despite the issues throughout these almost 19 years, but for some reason I can’t get past the fact that all of a sudden they are acting like they care about their brother (and I truly hope they do). I don’t trust their manipulative ways especially because I know they talk trash about each other when they meet up for dinners and hang out on separate occasions. Questions from Paul’s sisters like, “What is your trust level now with Sarah?” or “Do you think Sarah will resort to reckless behavior again someday?” make me angry. First of all, it’s none of your Goddamn business and all of a sudden NOW, you’re going to pretend to be concerned about your brother’s well-being and emotional state. Again, it’s his family and he has the right to say whatever he wants to his sisters, but I don’t buy the authenticity.

Like all of us, Paul’s family members have their own serious issues to deal with. Paul keeps insisting this is what happens in “normal” families. Because I don’t feel like I have any family left besides Paul and the children of course, I feel like I get defensive. I told Paul maybe don’t tell me what questions or input his sisters try to ask or give. I will never be “buddy, buddy” with them. I will always be kind and treat them with respect, but I don’t think they are truly nice people deep down. That’s just my opinion. They are not my “cup of tea.” Even my therapist said that it sounds like they are more emotionally invested in the affair aftermath at this point then Paul and I are. Paul just replies to them, “I’m taking it day by day” and that’s all he can do. I am infinitely confident that nothing remotely like this would ever ever ever happen again so Paul’s trust level is something he needs to work on because I feel helpless

I will continue to be the best version of myself everyday and be a wonderful role model for my children. I will also continue to work on “letting go” of the unnecessary feelings and emotions from past trauma, “letting go” of worrying about other people’s comments, “letting go” of how my mind used to react irrationally or operate defensively, “letting go” of this horrendous mistake I made and “letting go” of the shame and guilt that I bear. “Shit happens” and I will not let this era of my life define the person that I used to be and I am today.

In the aftermath of Sarah’s affair I have often found myself saying, outwardly or not, a few of the same things. In no particular order, one is that I would absolutely rather be me in this situation than Sarah. As painful as some moments can be, having to deal with the extent of shame and guilt that Sarah must feel cannot be easy. Let’s face it, no one likes a cheater - otherwise Barry Bonds would be in the hall of fame. I agree that during the early stages of our relationship, my sisters would be unnecessarily passive aggressive toward us, and for no reason. However, now Sarah has delivered an actual reason for all four of them to dislike her. By way of comparison, my brother who I see often enough, has never asked - in person or otherwise - how I am doing.   

I am sure there are some folks that still just don’t know what to say. So, silence might be the best approach for them. I have also tried to impart upon Sarah that though it might make her upset for a family member of mine to ask about trust, it truly is just someone I know doing a wellness check of sorts. This is completely normal and unfortunately we can’t prevent anything like that from happening at this point. Just like we can’t prevent what people say about us when we are not around.    

There haven’t been that many interactions between my sisters and I during the last seven months without Sarah being present. I went out to dinner with the same two, twice. I did a 5k race with another one and I have received 3-4 texts from the fourth to check-in. I think that given what has transpired here, the questions they ask about trust and their expressions of disbelief are really not all that surprising. The fact is that by and large families anywhere operate with an understanding that they never want to see one of their own unvalued or unappreciated - unless they’re the ones doing it. Even when things might at times get contentious, I believe this to be true. 

I didn’t ask for it, but this situation has offered me a great deal of perspective. First, as much as I can run my mouth and be a big talker even about this type of situation in the past, I can tell you that what people think about these situations is not even close to living the experience. It is horrible. I think that makes this blog that much more important. To the extent we can control things, the only people that know about this situation are those who are supportive, even if they are shocked a bit about it at the same time. With the obvious exception of Laura, no one has made me feel guilty for not being harder on Sarah than I have been. Anything and everything that my siblings or family have said about the situation, Sarah is aware of. There is a healthy transparency between Sarah and I - this is such an important contribution to what makes our relationship healthier and healthier.

A Gentle Reminder

It takes bravery to break old habits, to turn to the voice inside of your own head and say: I will not let you speak to me that way. It takes courage to sit down and have a conversation with your mistakes. Growth is uncomfortable; it’s slow and rarely steady, but I promise you that nothing in full bloom will ever tell you that the struggle wasn’t worth it. Take a moment to realize just how far you’ve come. Look at all the bridges you’ve crossed, everything you’ve done. There were times you thought the world was ending, and you still held on to see it through. And I know you don’t give yourself credit for the little things, but there is strength in those things too. Try to remember that that forever is only the sum of right nows. You will never have everything figured out. Life is allowed to look like a reinaissance piece and a work in progress at exactly the same time. Don’t wait until the day is perfect to look up and watch the sunrise.

Pinch and Burn

That's a “pinch and burn” twice, of course. From the time Sarah and the kids dropped me off in front of the doctor’s office to the time I was back in the car was no more than an hour. It was a short procedure, consistent with what the doctor had described during the consultation several weeks earlier. I arrived about 10 minutes early for my appointment and was called in shortly after checking in and sitting down. The room where the procedure took place was on the immediate left just outside the waiting area, so there was no need to travel very far. I came in and was greeted by three female nurses or medical assistants. The doctor came in briefly to give me one last chance to back out in sort of a folksy manner that turned more formal when I was handed an IPad on which I was asked for a digital signature. I signed and the doctor left the room, stating that he would be back soon. 

One of the nurses told me to take everything off, including my underwear, of course. I proceeded to drop everything I was wearing beneath a small table where I had placed my phone, wallet and headphones. Standing there completely naked with three women walking around was a moment that could only be described as the beginning of a porno - or a vasectomy. Either way, I was looking forward to telling Sarah all about it. One nurse finally got me a paper gown that in the grand scheme of things seemed totally unnecessary and another pulled a small privacy screen over, which at that point seemed even more unnecessary. 

Now, laying down, one nurse raised the table to an appropriate level while another prepared to dress me for the occasion. This would include my cock being taped down and covered while my balls were left hanging out. The doctor came back in and set up a bluetooth speaker that he played 90s alt rock on - one of  my favorite genres of music to listen to. Though I had brought my own headphones and left them in my ears, I decided I preferred his selection of Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam to my unplanned playlist. At this point, another different woman came in and introduced herself and explained that she would be assisting the doctor with the procedure.

The doctor said something like, “here we go”. At this point, I could not see what was going on, as there was a makeshift paper partition added to block my view. I felt liquid and rubbing - no argument there except that it was cold. Things changed dramatically when the doctor said for the first of two times, “okay, here comes a pinch and burn”. The pinch and burn felt like a pinch and a burn should in that area and things started to go numb in my left testicle. From there, it just felt like weird and continuous pulling sensations. This happened again, of course on the right. As they wrapped things up, I heard the doctor congratulate one of the staff on the other side of the partition for doing an “amazing” job. He said something similar to me and left seemingly content with the work he and the team had performed. 

I felt no pain at all at this point due to the effects of the local anesthesia and I remember being sort of nervous to look down as they pulled the partition away, but to my relief all was fine. Everything was exactly where it should be. There were no bandages or anything, either. What I did have were two incisions on each of my testicles that had been sutured. The nurses and I exchanged some funny remarks about how quickly everything happened and something about a Brazilian wax as they ripped some sticky bandages off my thighs. I got up from the table and as I got dressed, a nurse read some important details about post-op stuff (don’t lift anything over 20 pounds, no sex for a week, when to get a semenanalysis conducted, etc.). I texted Sarah. She was still out with the kids and had taken them to a nearby bakery. By the time I had walked outside, my family was there waiting for me. 

We went immediately home. I laid down for about 4-5 hours with ice on my crotch and watched the show, 1923. The area definitely felt a bit achy but it was much better than I had feared. I eventually took a shower and Sarah applied Bacitracin to the incised areas on my balls and took care of me. Now, on day three, I can say it feels much better. I have continued to rest and ice as needed. Erections are still happening like they used to and I am looking forward to testing other things out when I can.

The last few days I noticed that Paul seems a little nervous about the after effects of his vasectomy. He said that he has nightmares that when he is able to cum again, it will just start leaking everywhere from his balls. That’s a wild sight! He just wants all the equipment to work properly. Paul was a champ though. The whole ordeal was less than an hour. We dropped Paul off and then the kids and I went for a little treat at a local bakery. I told our two oldest that Daddy was going to the doctor and having a procedure done in his private area (just in case they saw him with a package of frozen corn on his crotch later in the day). I kept telling Paul that he didn’t have to go through with it if he didn’t want to, but he knew it was the right thing to do for our family.

We can’t have sex for a week and as I stated before I can tell Paul is nervous about what to expect. Right now, he just says that the area is just a little achy and tender, but he doesn’t feel any pain. He expressed his concerns as this being one of the most invasive experiences he’s ever had besides two retinal detachment surgeries. I then proceeded to say that it was going to be okay and told him to think about our three children who fit out of a small hole in my body all naturally and two without any drugs! He joked and said, “I’m sure that’s comparable.”

As soon as he left the office, I knew he wanted to tell me all about the female nurses who told him to undress and I remarked by saying, “Did it move?” and “I’m sure you thought about being in a porno.” Paul laughed. I again stated how my male obgyn checks me annually and has sewed up my vagina after each birth. During each of our children’s delivery I couldn’t care who was in the room as long as they got that baby out of me as fast as possible. I know this procedure will be a success and we look forward to the days of being able to make love without worrying about pregnancy.

We thought we’d end this post with some vasectomy jokes to lighten the mood:

When it comes to surgery, vasectomies are a whole different ball game. And the same is true of these funny vasectomy jokes and puns. There’s a vas deferens between these and any others you may find!

Did you hear about the doctor who botched a vasectomy?
He missed and got the sack.

My wife said, “You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious?”
I said, “I’m not kidding you.”

What do a Christmas tree and a vasectomy have in common?
The balls are only ornamental.

The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy…
Really got the ball rolling.

I went to get a vasectomy because I don’t want to have any children.
But when I went back home they were still there.

My wife wants to prove she’s brave enough to get a vasectomy.
I told her she doesn’t have the balls to do it.

The Second Arrow

I recently began reading the book, Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen. Nguyen opens up with a “bold” statement about how this book will change the reader's life. He goes on to present that growth is an inevitable process of life - we can not change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change it.  

I shared the Buddhist belief that when something negative happens to us it is as if two arrows are sent our way at the same time. The first arrow is painful, says Nguyen. The second emotional arrow is even more painful. This is the suffering. Buddhists believe that we can’t always control the first arrow, but that we may be able to control our actions to it - this is the second arrow. The second arrow is optional. 

For me, the first arrow was the one that pierced my heart on the afternoon of Tuesday, September 20th, 2022. The second arrow is more complex and takes hard work. At this point in my life, I think what I am looking for is peace - simple peace. Nguyen describes that this comes from truth and that this comes from a feeling. Our ego tries to fight this feeling and make things more complex. Perhaps to simplify things means to rediscover your truth, says Nguyen - and the truth is I am a great husband and father and that is like Captain America’s shield to that second arrow.

Paul recently told me about the story of the “second arrow.” I think it can apply to many aspects of our lives, but of course, in particular, the affair that has both torn us apart and brought us back together. The pain and suffering of the first arrow is undoubtedly inevitable. Paul and I have both felt the enormous negative effects and have dealt with the tremendous raw emotions that come with this terrible trauma. Now, it is up to us both to work through the healing process.

We can approach it in a positive, optimistic manner or one of complete sorrow, shame, and hopelessness. We can either focus on ourselves and our family or worry about what everyone else has to say. We can pause, pray and reflect or act out irrationally. It is up to us. We can avoid the second arrow if we truly believe that we are in control of our future. We can look at this situation as a lesson and grow from it and improve our lives from it, rather than let it keep stabbing us in the chest.

“The parable of the second arrow is a well-known Buddhist story about dealing with suffering more skilfully. It is said the Buddha once asked a student,

‘If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?’

He then went on to explain,

‘In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.’

This is sometimes interpreted as meaning that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I’m not sure I would go this far – to my mind there are clearly situations where to experience suffering is the only human response. However, it is true that our interpretation of events plays a large role in how we experience them, and that we do have a tendency to over dramatize much of what happens to us.”

-Anja Tanhane Mindful Meditation Blog, 2020

Weekly practice idea:

This week, when you have a strong response of pain or annoyance at a situation, try your best to slow things down, simplify and look to the truth of what is happening.

Snip Snip

I’ve been on the pill here and there over the last twenty years. I’ve tried different types, but most times, it caused me anxiety and heart palpitations due to the hormones. After being diagnosed with hypertension, I no longer was able to take a birth control pill as instructed by my ob/gyn. He said I could try an IUD but I didn’t want to stick a foreign object inside my body and didn’t want to take the chance of it getting stuck or lost (as happened to one of my friends). As a result of not being on birth control, you may have read our post, “Knocked Up,” I got pregnant. Paul and I have decided we do not want to go through this uncertainty and worrying anymore when we have sex. When I reach menopause, I will most likely have my ovaries or part of them removed due to my family history of ovarian cancer, but that may not be for another ten years.

For now, Paul is going to have a vasectomy which is scheduled about two and a half weeks from now. In his consultation appointment, Paul learned that the doctor will make a small cut to both vas deferens and the procedure takes about 15-20 minutes. Not only will this prevent pregnancy, but we feel that maybe we will relax a little more during sex and that it may be more pleasurable because we won’t have to pause or stop. I told Paul that this was ultimately his decision because it was his body that was going to undergo the change. He asked if I would “miss” the sperm? Definitely not. I just want to pleasure my husband and hope that my thrusting can last a little longer.

We will report back in a few weeks post-vasectomy and let you know the aftermath. Also, if anyone out there has had a vasectomy, we’d like to know if they notice anything different and if they are happy they went through with it.

A couple of my close friends have had a vasectomy. From conversations with them, the consultation I had with the doctor, and Google searches, it is pretty clear that it does not change the individual experience for me at all. My body will still continue to produce sperm as it always has, it just won’t be part of the formula as it was before, so to speak.  

Is it a weird coincidence that this was a topic that recently came up in the group text that I share with about eight of my life-long friends? Or is this just a new chapter we have entered in our lives? Either way, these foundational conversations about it combined with recent and unexpected events in our family motivated new thoughts on family planning strategies.

The procedure is in about two weeks, and though I’m sure it's going to be pain like I’ve never felt before, I am not really stressed about it. I had a tattoo appointment last night and I kind of thought to myself that if I can endure that pain for what ended up being about four hours straight, I should be able to endure 15-20 minutes of pain with local anesthesia. Don’t get me wrong, I fully appreciate the difference between pain in the arm and shoulder and pain in the balls - lol

Each year, about 500,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy. Seven things you may not know about them:

• They are extremely effective with a 99% success rate

• You still need to be careful at first - It may take up to 8 weeks or 20 ejaculations before it’s free of sperm

• It won’t affect your sex life - You will not experience any difference in your sexual function or pleasure.

• Recovery is easy with a frozen bag of peas and TV time on the couch - You can resume physical activity within 3-7 days .

• It’s a brotherhood - talking to other men who have gone through is a great way to realize that it is a truly good, safe option.

• It’s the final cut - vasectomies should be considered permanent.

• Unless.. there are ways to reverse the procedure and create a new pathway.

Are there any men out there that have gone through this? Are these statements accurate? Are you happy that you went through with it? Please let us know.

On the Defensive

It's easy to see the extent to which therapy has made Sarah uncomfortable. She has never been a “talker” and has often been passive when discussing something that strikes a serious note. Thus, the very nature of therapy is challenging for her to engage in. I think this can frustrate us both in different ways. It makes me feel like she is deflecting. Like I am not being heard or understood.  

We generally share what we discussed in our individual therapy sessions with each other. Something I discussed with my therapist during our last few sessions was the possibility of my leaving our school district for another position, something promotional. My therapist asked if the motivation here was purely professional or if there might be some personal reasons for this also. I described that, although things had plateaued a bit at work, I didn’t feel 100% comfortable, of course. Something she presented as more than reasonable and something I really didn’t question all that much figuring that most people would likely feel the same. 

I came upstairs from our basement after my most recent therapy session and shared, among other items, this with Sarah. She seemed to recoil immediately and like a knee after being hit with a small rubber mallet became defensive of her colleagues, stating that they were “supportive” and other superlatives. I sort of felt hit by another type of hammer, rubber or otherwise. I didn’t remember attacking her or them in any way. I simply said that I didn’t feel 100% comfortable around them. 

From a social standpoint, and perhaps for the members of Sarah’s department as much as for me, they might themselves be sort of uncomfortable with knowing Brad, Sarah and I for so many years and in so many different contexts. Maybe they are recalling times when all three of us were at the same BBQs or any other events during the last sixteen years. These might be weddings, wakes, or brunches. They might be Mets games, 10k races, or comic show fundraisers. Sarah will constantly say, “they don’t care”. I am sure they do say this - I might too if the roles were reversed. But my perception of things would definitely change. 

Sarah has at times been so black and white about these things. When she gets tongue-tied, she’ll simply burst out with a statement such as, “well, we just wont hang out with them ever again.” Or, she will say she doesn’t want to talk about what I might discuss with my therapist. I told her a day or two after this, that it's not like I never want to be around the members of her department, but that I hope she would respect that I might want us to scale that back a bit at this point.  

From a professional standpoint, I don’t want this to now define me completely. A sizable chunk of the staff at our high school know about this and as a new member of the “team”, for some this might be all they know about me. This includes the building’s entire administration. A “chunk” of district central office personnel know too, including the superintendent and assistant superintendents. While they reassure me of things and recommend that I shouldn’t leave, sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me.

It is completely my fault. Everything. I turned Paul’s life upside down. A complete 180. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I am a grown adult who acted like a teenager with no boundaries. Then why do I occasionally lash out at Paul? Why am I on the defensive and start to try to rationalize everything with nonsensical remarks? Why would I continue to hurt Paul’s feelings by cursing or giving him the finger when it’s hard to hear the truth?

I’ve always had trouble expressing myself emotionally and never did well with confrontation. I was a quiet, timid child, but had many friends and enjoyed participating in school. I think as long as it didn’t have to do with my feelings or emotions, I was able to be outgoing. However, I was a people pleaser throughout my life. I did what my parents told me (until I became a bit of a rebellious teenager) and always behaved and followed the rules in school. I didn’t want to make anyone mad, I wanted to be well-liked by everyone and didn’t know how to handle myself under the pressure of being challenged or opposed when it came to human nature and empathy. I didn’t know how to react in sad or sympathetic situations as my family never talked about feelings in depth. My parents were usually very good at keeping any family trauma or drama out of the lives of my brother and I. We had a wonderful childhood filled with fun family gatherings and celebrations, sports events and exciting vacations. I don’t remember crying much as a kid or feeling passionate about any one particular thing. I just tried to be the best at everything, a versatile perfectionist, if you will, which is still one of my downfalls I am trying to overcome.

Lately, I feel that overall I have done a decent job at expressing myself to Paul, using words of affirmation to help him heal and respond maturely and honestly to Paul’s questions and comments despite the difficult nature. On days we have therapy, Paul has therapy every Monday and I have therapy every other Wednesday, I feel anxious. Either anxious about what Paul is going to say to his therapist about me, what his therapist is going to judge me about or what Paul may conclude I discussed during my therapy session. I need to get over this. Therapy is supposed to be helpful for the both of us. I told Paul, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t go to therapy anymore. Just being honest.

A few days ago, after Paul’s therapy session, I asked him how it went and what they talked about. We usually divulge everything to one another as it helps open our line of communication. He mentioned something about how stressful his job is and how he would like to find another job where he is well respected, has a better quality of life and a fair workload. Of course, this personal situation of the affair comes into play as well because Brad used to work at our school over 9 years ago and Paul correlates the affair with our building being where it all began. Obviously, most of our coworkers know about the situation, particularly due to Lauren’s explosive texts, so Paul expressed that he was still uncomfortable around the teachers in my department, some of whom knew Brad well. For whatever reason, I snapped at Paul, “but those teachers are supportive of both of us!” I clearly did not respect his feelings in that moment, which are totally valid. Then I went off on a tangent and I can’t even tell you what we discussed in that heated half an hour that followed. Again, why was I getting so defensive about those I work with? I think part of it was that any time the affair is brought up, it brings back shame, guilt, embarrassment and torment for me. And instead of just affirming Paul’s emotions, I snapped. I tend to irrationally explode sometimes and not seem to make any sense as I circle round and round trying to hold my ground upon which I have no leg to stand on. Throughout my life, I would react similarly to any situation that was out of my control or that someone confronted me seriously with that sparked any emotions of sadness, jealousy or anger. Paul responded with, “This is why you need the therapy, Sarah.” I think I also feel like whenever Paul talks to me about a serious matter, I feel like he speaks from the “adult”, “father figure” or “administrator” point of view and I act like the “child” or “immature one.” I have difficulty being serious and eloquent in these hard to deal with realities and traumas. And this may be part of the reason I strayed because I needed a “painkiller” or “escape” from all of the difficult situations in my life. I am learning each and every day and while there are many setbacks, I know that how I reacted to Paul was totally uncalled for, but at the same time, it feels good when I release my inner angst and let it all hang out.

I need to remember to pause, reflect and then respond. I also need to remember that all of these raw feelings are valid and must be respected. Paul is my closest friend and confidant and is the only one I can speak to as my true self. Unfortunately, part of my true self is exploding, becoming defensive and saying irrational things. So sometimes I take advantage and let my mouth move faster than I can think. It is my way of letting go of my frustrations and pent up emotions, but it is wrong to take it out on Paul. I need to work on this.

The Infinite Mark

I’ve left a permanent mark on our souls, on our hearts, on our minds. How can I live with this guilt and shame forever? Today, I sat down to do our taxes on TurboTax and I said to Paul, “There are only 2 definite things in life; taxes and death,” trying to quote Benjamin Franklin. I was in a mood, probably because my monthly friend is about to join us for the first time since the abortion. Living in this sad existence of reality is hard. Of course, there are so many things to be thankful for, but that dark shroud of sadness will always be there. “Will I ever make you happy again?” I asked Paul. To which he replied, “You did and you will.” Once again, another blow to the gut, but it’s reality. I can’t even make myself happy right now. This too shall pass or so everyone says. I keep joking with my therapist, with Paul, with my co-workers, with family members, maybe in 20 years, but am I really joking?

Speaking on the same topic of permanent or infinite marks, Paul and I discussed getting more tattoos since the affair revelation. I think for Paul, getting a tattoo is another form of healing or moving forward. He wants to get several celtic knots on his upper arm (which he has certainly been working out and building his muscles for). One knot in particular called the dara knot represents strength and inner strength. It comes from the Gaelic word, ‘doire,’ which means ‘oak tree.’ I think this is the perfect tattoo for Paul. It shows how grounded Paul has been throughout these devastating last couple of months. He also wants to add our two younger children’s names and/or birthdays somewhere in this new tattoo because he already has a celtic cross on one of his calves with our eldest son’s initials and birthday.

I, too, want to get some new ink. I want to touch up an old tattoo on my foot to have it re-colored. It’s an hibiscus flower with the moon that I got when I was 21. I also want to get 5 small hearts on the side of my pointer finger to represent the “Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️” texts that Paul and I send to each other every day. In addition, I would like to show my future commitment and loyalty to Paul by having his name tattooed around my wedding ring finger. I am truly sorry for what I have done and am sorry for all the pain I have caused him. One last tattoo I am interested in getting is one on the back of my left shoulder of a cardinal and blue jay together sitting on a branch. Whenever I see a cardinal I think of my mom sending a message from heaven and whenever I see a blue jay I think of my dad doing the same. My mom and my dad have always inspired me and I have learned about fortitude and resilience from them through their obstacles and suffering in life. They have also taught me how to be kind and generous to others and have taught me how to be a good parent. I only hope and pray that I will have the same positive influences on our children as well.

I have to say that I am pretty excited about getting a new tattoo. I got my first one right around the time that I turned 30, it is on my right calf and is a Celtic cross. It includes a nod to our first child - his initials and birthdate. Ten years later - and with a lot to look back on - I have some different thoughts about the second one. I would love some of our readers to weigh in too, actually. 

I’d like this new tattoo to be on my left arm. My thoughts are that it should include the Dara knot - another Celtic symbol significant of strength. This is a theme I always want to be a constant in my life. In addition, I’d like to include the initials and birthdates of our other two children, the five hearts Sarah and I send to each other each day, and parts of text from the “Man in the Arena” portion of Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech. I am referring to the part below from this address given by TR at the Sorbonne in 1910:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.  

I have always been impressed by these words and have a couple of renditions hung up here in our home.

These infinite marks are symbolic for Paul and I. I have brought upon a permanent mark or scar, if you will, on our bond of marriage. And while this mark is a shameful adverse one, these new tattoos bring to light the commitment and love we have for each other and our family as well as the strength we carry each and every day to face the reality of what was, what is and what is to come.

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue… You/I Had an Affair, But I Still Love You

It sometimes feels like years have gone by since September 20th, 2022. This may be because I am reliving the last several years all over again through a different lens. The abrupt and quick change that I have been feeling isn’t really quick change at all. Jordan Peterson in his book,12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos writes about how some things appear to change quickly, but they are nested within other things that change less quickly. He describes that this is similar to leaves changing more quickly than trees, and trees more quickly than forests. Peterson calls it, “chaos, within order.” There certainly has been chaos within the order in our relationship. What has evolved from this chaos is “a new us” and maybe where I have been the tree, Sarah has been the leaves - so to speak.  

Valentine’s Day is a tradition that includes roses, chocolate, etc. It’s orderly and has always been a formal opportunity for couples to express how they feel about each other. This Valentine’s Day, however, I felt a touch of chaos. This chaos loves to do a dance with the anxiety I sometimes feel. Last Halloween, I felt jealous of the folks - some I have known my whole life - I saw with seemingly less chaos in their lives. I know that is an irresponsible statement. We all experience the chaos I am describing on some level. I didn’t feel the same way on the holidays from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. I felt the warmth of order. Perhaps Valentine’s Day and the way it puts our relationship in the spotlight with pressures of people knowing of the situation and the added complexities of social media we deal with created enough chaos to raise my anxieties about it. One thing is for sure, it did not feel the same as it used to. I think this is what drives me to ask questions about, in this case, Valentine’s Day and Sarah’s birthday in the context of Sarah’s affair.

February happens to be a busy month for our family in terms of celebrations. My birthday is February 9th and our eldest son’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day. Holidays have been rough especially for Paul since the affair revelation. It started with Halloween. Paul saw all of our town’s families walking the streets together, enjoying time with each other and meeting up with friends and neighbors. I could see the empty look in his eyes and the solemn greetings he gave to others. Thanksgiving was next. We started the day doing a 1 mile turkey trot with the family. Then we started decorating our house for Christmas with lights outside and ended the day with a lovely meal at Paul’s parents house. I remember feeling very connected with Paul that day and we embraced each other often with smiles, hugs and kisses. We were even on the same team for Family Trivial Pursuit. Then came Christmas, the ultimate holiday. This was the most special time of year for our family with many traditions including creating our own character wood cutouts, cookie swap parties, cutting down our own Christmas tree, singing and dancing to Christmas carols, having a Christmas day concert and hosting Christmas day. Paul said that this Christmas would be extra special because it was one without Brad in the picture. I agreed and I think overall our Christmas holiday was enjoyable, yet there were moments of sadness and despair. The final holiday of 2022, New Year’s Eve. I think it represented an important ending and a new beginning for us. We went out to eat at a nice restaurant, all 5 of us. Paul and I took one of our first selfie pictures together that we posted on social media, since the affair was discovered. It was a fun evening sharing laughter, love and some alcoholic drinks.

Now, that takes us to Valentine’s Day. “Did Brad ever ask you to be his Valentine? Did he ever wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day? Did he ever give you a present for Valentine’s Day or your birthday?” NO. Absolutely not. Paul couldn’t believe it. Brad never remembered my birthday and we never spoke about Valentine’s Day or most holidays in any capacity. ‘Then what did you guys talk about at these “meetings”?’ Bullshit, mostly.. People that we both knew, co-workers, tv shows, movies, beer, alcohol, teaching, our kids, vacations, music (OAR, DMB, etc..), concerts, our alibis.. Once again, we never talked about our feelings or emotions or the feelings or emotions of our spouses.. It was like we were talking as friends and nothing more. 

Paul has been my true Valentine for over 18 years and I wouldn't want it any other way. I apologized again to Paul telling him that maybe next year’s Valentine’s Day would be better and that he could just buy flowers for our daughter. He wrote back “lol” to me and said he was buying us both some roses. I bought Paul a long sleeved Nike shirt, Nike Mets sandals and a little sign that reads “I Love You.. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.” He despised another sign that I had bought him a few years ago that read, “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” It is a sign that was full of shit and tainted with lies and deception. Paul actually hung this new sign up over this computer desk. Perhaps, that’s another step in the right direction of our healing process together.

Every day is a new adventure with a new us. You never know what order or chaos lies ahead, especially these first set of holidays we are experiencing sans affair. We cannot compare our scenario with social media and we need to focus on ourselves and our healing. It is quite difficult however, as we deal with the hurt, guilt, shame, embarrassment, discomfort, uneasiness, disconnection, uncertainty, worry, anxiety on these days, especially Valentine’s Day, a day on which we are supposed to be celebrating our love and our commitment to one another.

What’s in it for ME??

Paul said that maybe our next post should be about what I got out of the affair. In Paul’s words, “We all know what Brad got out of it.” My quick response to Paul was that I got anxiety and high blood pressure. What DID I get out of the affair? Well, initially I got some kind of thrill, some kind of high-speed chase adventure, some kind of wild escape and an excuse to get wasted and lose control of myself away from all of my responsibilities, seemingly similar to a drug addiction. But is that really what I got out of it or is that just part of the “Why”? I would feel extremely guilty and awful mentally and emotionally in between meetings, but that eventually wore off until I was playfully coerced to continually repeat the same damn mistake over and over again. I didn’t care about the sex. I would always just make myself cum. I just lost myself in a dream world for an hour or two. It didn’t feel real and I let go of all the pain and emotional difficulties I was experiencing. It definitely affected me negatively physically, mentally and emotionally. I got unethical fake attention from a narcissistic dirtbag who didn’t care about his wife and family. My anxiety was constantly through the roof from the affair in addition to other trauma that was occurring in my life and my blood pressure was sky high even though I was on medication. That’s all I can really say about this topic. There was nothing positive about this affair and I didn’t get anything out of it that is worthy of discussion. It was a total dumpster fire, as the millennials would say these days. So Paul, there you go, does that answer your question?

Actually, I was thinking about it and I realized I did get some positive things out of this affair. I learned the red flags about myself and how I operate in relationships. I learned about my true self and how I can now be the best version of myself. I learned about my emotional needs and my emotional modes of expression and how to better communicate and be honest with myself and others. I learned how to face reality and I realized how blessed I am with my wonderful husband and precious family. I got a major wake-up call from this affair and for that I am grateful.

I think Sarah’s response begins to answer the question - the question being ours, not mine alone. Sarah and I share a certain discomfort in some of these questions. I believe what drives us forward is the cleansing feeling that comes after, however. I can feel the wrestling match between the courage and discomfort here. Both in our writing and in the real life discussions we’ll have about it. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly is a book we both have found meaning and value in at times like these.   

Sarah has been consistent in how she felt almost suspended out of time, existing in this secret world. But time kept moving forward, of course, even as she retreated further and further into this fantasy. So, whether right or wrong I recently suggested a blog post about what Sarah got out of this affair. Clearly there was a need being met. After the fallout, some who know him spoke of Brad’s reputation for moral laxity. It’s clear what he wanted out of this relationship and he knew how to get it.

Not only is it our hope that this blog will be able to reach and help people, but it also serves as an outlet of expression for us. Paul often has ideas for our blog posts in which I think he feels both the need to communicate his own ideas as well as read what Sarah has to say in response. Paul is still finding ways to process this trauma and still wants answers to certain questions that envelope his mind. He may never wrap his head around this affair and I don’t think Sarah will ever fully understand it either, but at least this blog provides an opportunity to explore and dive into the thoughts and details behind it. 

You Better Work, Bitch

When people who know about the situation ask me how I’m doing, I often respond with some variation of, “I’m hanging in there.” Though sometimes a trite comment, I think about it for its real purpose. I think about Teddy Roosevelt stating, “when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Another reply is that I have “good days” and “bad days”. The “good days” are those when I can look to the future with clarity and positivity. When I simply can enjoy that day for its own sake and have fun with my family. The “bad days” are when I think of how selfish Sarah was during her affair. Though it's now obvious how much this affair impacts our health as a family, it impacted Sarah and I and our three kids while it was happening too.    

Somewhere in all of this is, “the work”. My therapist generally begins each of our talks with asking how I am doing but also what I have been doing for myself. This is, she says, a part of the work I should be doing to help see myself through this trauma. It is also about Sarah and I working through tough moments together. Not holding things in, but communicating challenges and thoughts we are having and talking them out. Make no mistake, this is not about nourishing grief, but about coming to a full understanding of how navigating this trauma together can help us to emerge stronger as individuals and as a couple. 

The greatest therapy for me has always been long-distance running. It is better than the anxiety medicine I am on. I have run two full marathons, 11 half-marathons and a plethora of 5ks, 4M and 10Ks. Even if my knees and hips remind me constantly of my age and the thousands of miles I have run, I try to get out and keep it moving. In fact, this morning I drove into Manhattan to run a 4 mile race around Central Park. I have always loved the camaraderie that exists when you see or are with other runners and this was a great example.

“You have to put in the work.” The “work” is painful, exhausting and emotionally draining. The work is necessary for healing to take place and for moving forward. The “work” includes being honest 100% of the time, answering uncomfortable questions, listening to painful statements, expressing difficult feelings, facing the music, contemplating the “why,” letting go of what you cannot control, going to therapy, accepting support, being vulnerable and getting rid of your armor, being your true self, believing in the process, not giving up, continuing the routine of your daily life, self-care, processing your thoughts in the moment, acknowledging reality and striving to be the best version of yourself. It’s A LOT. I am constantly overwhelmed. The most difficult part for me is seeing the hurt I’ve caused Paul and the comments he makes in regards to the affair. He has the right to say whatever is on his mind. It’s just hard because I internalize these remarks and make myself feel like shit. I need to remind myself that I am not a terrible person and I did not purposely commit adultery to hurt anyone. If it was up to me, alone, I would never think about the affair again. It’s a fleeting memory and I have nothing left to share or feel about it, but it’s not that easy. I can’t get away with my one-sided perspective. I need to be patient with Paul and respect his method of processing this trauma. It is still fresh in his world and the wounds are raw. Sometimes when he brings it up, I want to curl up in a ball and disconnect from him and the world. It is hard to feel close to him, to anyone. I feel defeated. I feel sadness take over. I feel like this will haunt me forever. One can only have faith that all of this will fade gradually, into what I do not know. Yes, Paul and I are resilient, but we are only human and the toll this “work” takes on us will be long and arduous, but worth it for our family and our future together.

There is a great deal of “work” to be done by both the betrayer and the betrayed. While it may seem quite different, almost opposite ends of the spectrum, part of the “work” involves uniting and connecting despite the trauma and post-affair side effects. While Sarah works on accepting what happened, facing the music and becoming the best version of herself, Paul is discovering ways to process what happened and finding outlets to deal with the pain and hurt. The road to recovery and healing is a long and arduous one, but the commitment to themselves, each other and their family is strong and resilient.