The Second Arrow

I recently began reading the book, Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen. Nguyen opens up with a “bold” statement about how this book will change the reader's life. He goes on to present that growth is an inevitable process of life - we can not change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change it.  

I shared the Buddhist belief that when something negative happens to us it is as if two arrows are sent our way at the same time. The first arrow is painful, says Nguyen. The second emotional arrow is even more painful. This is the suffering. Buddhists believe that we can’t always control the first arrow, but that we may be able to control our actions to it - this is the second arrow. The second arrow is optional. 

For me, the first arrow was the one that pierced my heart on the afternoon of Tuesday, September 20th, 2022. The second arrow is more complex and takes hard work. At this point in my life, I think what I am looking for is peace - simple peace. Nguyen describes that this comes from truth and that this comes from a feeling. Our ego tries to fight this feeling and make things more complex. Perhaps to simplify things means to rediscover your truth, says Nguyen - and the truth is I am a great husband and father and that is like Captain America’s shield to that second arrow.

Paul recently told me about the story of the “second arrow.” I think it can apply to many aspects of our lives, but of course, in particular, the affair that has both torn us apart and brought us back together. The pain and suffering of the first arrow is undoubtedly inevitable. Paul and I have both felt the enormous negative effects and have dealt with the tremendous raw emotions that come with this terrible trauma. Now, it is up to us both to work through the healing process.

We can approach it in a positive, optimistic manner or one of complete sorrow, shame, and hopelessness. We can either focus on ourselves and our family or worry about what everyone else has to say. We can pause, pray and reflect or act out irrationally. It is up to us. We can avoid the second arrow if we truly believe that we are in control of our future. We can look at this situation as a lesson and grow from it and improve our lives from it, rather than let it keep stabbing us in the chest.

“The parable of the second arrow is a well-known Buddhist story about dealing with suffering more skilfully. It is said the Buddha once asked a student,

‘If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?’

He then went on to explain,

‘In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.’

This is sometimes interpreted as meaning that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I’m not sure I would go this far – to my mind there are clearly situations where to experience suffering is the only human response. However, it is true that our interpretation of events plays a large role in how we experience them, and that we do have a tendency to over dramatize much of what happens to us.”

-Anja Tanhane Mindful Meditation Blog, 2020

Weekly practice idea:

This week, when you have a strong response of pain or annoyance at a situation, try your best to slow things down, simplify and look to the truth of what is happening.