Pinch and Burn

That's a “pinch and burn” twice, of course. From the time Sarah and the kids dropped me off in front of the doctor’s office to the time I was back in the car was no more than an hour. It was a short procedure, consistent with what the doctor had described during the consultation several weeks earlier. I arrived about 10 minutes early for my appointment and was called in shortly after checking in and sitting down. The room where the procedure took place was on the immediate left just outside the waiting area, so there was no need to travel very far. I came in and was greeted by three female nurses or medical assistants. The doctor came in briefly to give me one last chance to back out in sort of a folksy manner that turned more formal when I was handed an IPad on which I was asked for a digital signature. I signed and the doctor left the room, stating that he would be back soon. 

One of the nurses told me to take everything off, including my underwear, of course. I proceeded to drop everything I was wearing beneath a small table where I had placed my phone, wallet and headphones. Standing there completely naked with three women walking around was a moment that could only be described as the beginning of a porno - or a vasectomy. Either way, I was looking forward to telling Sarah all about it. One nurse finally got me a paper gown that in the grand scheme of things seemed totally unnecessary and another pulled a small privacy screen over, which at that point seemed even more unnecessary. 

Now, laying down, one nurse raised the table to an appropriate level while another prepared to dress me for the occasion. This would include my cock being taped down and covered while my balls were left hanging out. The doctor came back in and set up a bluetooth speaker that he played 90s alt rock on - one of  my favorite genres of music to listen to. Though I had brought my own headphones and left them in my ears, I decided I preferred his selection of Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam to my unplanned playlist. At this point, another different woman came in and introduced herself and explained that she would be assisting the doctor with the procedure.

The doctor said something like, “here we go”. At this point, I could not see what was going on, as there was a makeshift paper partition added to block my view. I felt liquid and rubbing - no argument there except that it was cold. Things changed dramatically when the doctor said for the first of two times, “okay, here comes a pinch and burn”. The pinch and burn felt like a pinch and a burn should in that area and things started to go numb in my left testicle. From there, it just felt like weird and continuous pulling sensations. This happened again, of course on the right. As they wrapped things up, I heard the doctor congratulate one of the staff on the other side of the partition for doing an “amazing” job. He said something similar to me and left seemingly content with the work he and the team had performed. 

I felt no pain at all at this point due to the effects of the local anesthesia and I remember being sort of nervous to look down as they pulled the partition away, but to my relief all was fine. Everything was exactly where it should be. There were no bandages or anything, either. What I did have were two incisions on each of my testicles that had been sutured. The nurses and I exchanged some funny remarks about how quickly everything happened and something about a Brazilian wax as they ripped some sticky bandages off my thighs. I got up from the table and as I got dressed, a nurse read some important details about post-op stuff (don’t lift anything over 20 pounds, no sex for a week, when to get a semenanalysis conducted, etc.). I texted Sarah. She was still out with the kids and had taken them to a nearby bakery. By the time I had walked outside, my family was there waiting for me. 

We went immediately home. I laid down for about 4-5 hours with ice on my crotch and watched the show, 1923. The area definitely felt a bit achy but it was much better than I had feared. I eventually took a shower and Sarah applied Bacitracin to the incised areas on my balls and took care of me. Now, on day three, I can say it feels much better. I have continued to rest and ice as needed. Erections are still happening like they used to and I am looking forward to testing other things out when I can.

The last few days I noticed that Paul seems a little nervous about the after effects of his vasectomy. He said that he has nightmares that when he is able to cum again, it will just start leaking everywhere from his balls. That’s a wild sight! He just wants all the equipment to work properly. Paul was a champ though. The whole ordeal was less than an hour. We dropped Paul off and then the kids and I went for a little treat at a local bakery. I told our two oldest that Daddy was going to the doctor and having a procedure done in his private area (just in case they saw him with a package of frozen corn on his crotch later in the day). I kept telling Paul that he didn’t have to go through with it if he didn’t want to, but he knew it was the right thing to do for our family.

We can’t have sex for a week and as I stated before I can tell Paul is nervous about what to expect. Right now, he just says that the area is just a little achy and tender, but he doesn’t feel any pain. He expressed his concerns as this being one of the most invasive experiences he’s ever had besides two retinal detachment surgeries. I then proceeded to say that it was going to be okay and told him to think about our three children who fit out of a small hole in my body all naturally and two without any drugs! He joked and said, “I’m sure that’s comparable.”

As soon as he left the office, I knew he wanted to tell me all about the female nurses who told him to undress and I remarked by saying, “Did it move?” and “I’m sure you thought about being in a porno.” Paul laughed. I again stated how my male obgyn checks me annually and has sewed up my vagina after each birth. During each of our children’s delivery I couldn’t care who was in the room as long as they got that baby out of me as fast as possible. I know this procedure will be a success and we look forward to the days of being able to make love without worrying about pregnancy.

We thought we’d end this post with some vasectomy jokes to lighten the mood:

When it comes to surgery, vasectomies are a whole different ball game. And the same is true of these funny vasectomy jokes and puns. There’s a vas deferens between these and any others you may find!

Did you hear about the doctor who botched a vasectomy?
He missed and got the sack.

My wife said, “You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious?”
I said, “I’m not kidding you.”

What do a Christmas tree and a vasectomy have in common?
The balls are only ornamental.

The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy…
Really got the ball rolling.

I went to get a vasectomy because I don’t want to have any children.
But when I went back home they were still there.

My wife wants to prove she’s brave enough to get a vasectomy.
I told her she doesn’t have the balls to do it.