Let It Go

We are all hardwired to respond and react according to our past experiences. Whether we dealt with trauma or grew up in a loving household there are many factors that come into play. It is easier for us to handle situations in the same manner that we have been for years without stopping to pause and reflect. We also may hold pent up emotions that affect the way we interact with others.

Recently Paul and I went out to dinner for a date at a very nice Greek restaurant. I was feeling a little down because my aunt is in the process of selling her home in the Poconos, which is a special house near and dear to me and my family. My grandparents lived there and built part of the house and I grew up visiting that house from when I was a baby until now. Last week was probably the last time I was going to see the house. Paul and I took the kids to visit. They love the nostalgic artwork, secret lofts, ping-pong table, visiting the lake and exploring the woods, as did I growing up. Visiting my aunt and realizing that the era of the “horse house” is coming to an end also reminded me that I don’t have many family members left. My mom and dad are deceased and passed away at relatively young ages (56 and 66) and I really only have my brother, who is supportive, but in his own world of djing, sneakers and unique fashion sense (which I cannot relate to) and has his own issues of sobriety to deal with. It just made me sad especially that even though my mom was a pain in the ass, I called her everyday on my way home from work. I miss that and I miss my dad’s sense of calm, rational self. Don’t get me wrong, Paul’s family is being very supportive of me at Paul’s request to which I am grateful. However, Paul’s sisters have always treated us as outsiders ever since the day I first met them. They were very rude to us, disrespectful, jealous, “bitter and angry” as they would say. Paul says I need to “let it go.” I am and have always been very nice to Paul’s family despite the issues throughout these almost 19 years, but for some reason I can’t get past the fact that all of a sudden they are acting like they care about their brother (and I truly hope they do). I don’t trust their manipulative ways especially because I know they talk trash about each other when they meet up for dinners and hang out on separate occasions. Questions from Paul’s sisters like, “What is your trust level now with Sarah?” or “Do you think Sarah will resort to reckless behavior again someday?” make me angry. First of all, it’s none of your Goddamn business and all of a sudden NOW, you’re going to pretend to be concerned about your brother’s well-being and emotional state. Again, it’s his family and he has the right to say whatever he wants to his sisters, but I don’t buy the authenticity.

Like all of us, Paul’s family members have their own serious issues to deal with. Paul keeps insisting this is what happens in “normal” families. Because I don’t feel like I have any family left besides Paul and the children of course, I feel like I get defensive. I told Paul maybe don’t tell me what questions or input his sisters try to ask or give. I will never be “buddy, buddy” with them. I will always be kind and treat them with respect, but I don’t think they are truly nice people deep down. That’s just my opinion. They are not my “cup of tea.” Even my therapist said that it sounds like they are more emotionally invested in the affair aftermath at this point then Paul and I are. Paul just replies to them, “I’m taking it day by day” and that’s all he can do. I am infinitely confident that nothing remotely like this would ever ever ever happen again so Paul’s trust level is something he needs to work on because I feel helpless

I will continue to be the best version of myself everyday and be a wonderful role model for my children. I will also continue to work on “letting go” of the unnecessary feelings and emotions from past trauma, “letting go” of worrying about other people’s comments, “letting go” of how my mind used to react irrationally or operate defensively, “letting go” of this horrendous mistake I made and “letting go” of the shame and guilt that I bear. “Shit happens” and I will not let this era of my life define the person that I used to be and I am today.

In the aftermath of Sarah’s affair I have often found myself saying, outwardly or not, a few of the same things. In no particular order, one is that I would absolutely rather be me in this situation than Sarah. As painful as some moments can be, having to deal with the extent of shame and guilt that Sarah must feel cannot be easy. Let’s face it, no one likes a cheater - otherwise Barry Bonds would be in the hall of fame. I agree that during the early stages of our relationship, my sisters would be unnecessarily passive aggressive toward us, and for no reason. However, now Sarah has delivered an actual reason for all four of them to dislike her. By way of comparison, my brother who I see often enough, has never asked - in person or otherwise - how I am doing.   

I am sure there are some folks that still just don’t know what to say. So, silence might be the best approach for them. I have also tried to impart upon Sarah that though it might make her upset for a family member of mine to ask about trust, it truly is just someone I know doing a wellness check of sorts. This is completely normal and unfortunately we can’t prevent anything like that from happening at this point. Just like we can’t prevent what people say about us when we are not around.    

There haven’t been that many interactions between my sisters and I during the last seven months without Sarah being present. I went out to dinner with the same two, twice. I did a 5k race with another one and I have received 3-4 texts from the fourth to check-in. I think that given what has transpired here, the questions they ask about trust and their expressions of disbelief are really not all that surprising. The fact is that by and large families anywhere operate with an understanding that they never want to see one of their own unvalued or unappreciated - unless they’re the ones doing it. Even when things might at times get contentious, I believe this to be true. 

I didn’t ask for it, but this situation has offered me a great deal of perspective. First, as much as I can run my mouth and be a big talker even about this type of situation in the past, I can tell you that what people think about these situations is not even close to living the experience. It is horrible. I think that makes this blog that much more important. To the extent we can control things, the only people that know about this situation are those who are supportive, even if they are shocked a bit about it at the same time. With the obvious exception of Laura, no one has made me feel guilty for not being harder on Sarah than I have been. Anything and everything that my siblings or family have said about the situation, Sarah is aware of. There is a healthy transparency between Sarah and I - this is such an important contribution to what makes our relationship healthier and healthier.

A Gentle Reminder

It takes bravery to break old habits, to turn to the voice inside of your own head and say: I will not let you speak to me that way. It takes courage to sit down and have a conversation with your mistakes. Growth is uncomfortable; it’s slow and rarely steady, but I promise you that nothing in full bloom will ever tell you that the struggle wasn’t worth it. Take a moment to realize just how far you’ve come. Look at all the bridges you’ve crossed, everything you’ve done. There were times you thought the world was ending, and you still held on to see it through. And I know you don’t give yourself credit for the little things, but there is strength in those things too. Try to remember that that forever is only the sum of right nows. You will never have everything figured out. Life is allowed to look like a reinaissance piece and a work in progress at exactly the same time. Don’t wait until the day is perfect to look up and watch the sunrise.