Is Therapy Forever?

Paul and I have been in therapy now for about eight months. Paul meets with his individual therapist about once a week. I used to meet with mine once a week, as well. Then we adjusted our sessions to once every two weeks and now it is even less frequent, about once every three weeks. Paul and I have also had two couple therapy sessions within the last six months or so. The questions I am contemplating in this post are “How long do I need to go to individual therapy?” and “Is talk therapy the right solution for everyone and is it effective for every situation?”

During my therapy sessions, lately, I find myself getting easily upset and crying at the notion that therapy itself is a reminder of what I have done to myself, Paul and my family. I almost feel like it is taking me backwards in time rather than forward in the healing process. My therapist constantly reminds me that we are all human and we all make mistakes. He said he is “pretty” confident (ha!) that I would never do anything like this again. Well, OBVIOUSLY NOT! (But only I know my true self and I am the only one who really trusts me 1000%, at this point). I always reiterate to my therapist that I don’t care about other people believing me or trusting me, including my husband. I mean my husband used to trust me with all his heart and soul and I cheated on him right under his nose. So really, if you think about it, what is trust really? Trust to me, now, means believing in oneself because only you can be responsible for your actions and only you know your motives, values and . All that work that I had to do and has to be done is within myself. I will continue to be the best version of myself everyday, but at the same time, I will not change who I really am deep down inside.

I was never one who liked to talk about my feelings or emotions or one that needed to de-stress by talking about my day or have someone give me a pat on the back for my accomplishments.  On the other hand, I think that Paul likes therapy overall, and not just because of the affair, but as an outlet. It’s someone he can talk to about his daily anxiety and work stresses and someone who can give him an ego boost and bounce ideas back at him. I view Paul’s therapy as a positive outlet and I view mine as a negative one. Paul’s is an example of overcoming a giant blow to the heart and gut, while mine is an example of expressing my flawed and fucked up ways of life. My therapist wants to make therapy more positive for me, but I’m not sure how that would work. I definitely do not want to continue therapy forever. I understand the magnitude of my unexcusable screw-up, I know the reasons behind my behavior, I will never ever do anything like this again, I have learned how to express myself better and how to react in a more reflective manner, I want to spend all my time with my wonderful and loving family, what else is there? I’ve talked about my past and my parents deaths and of course, particularly the affair and its repercussions. I do not want to be reminded of it any longer and I don’t feel stressed in any other aspects of my life, so I strain for things to talk about during my sessions.

I told my therapist and Paul that I would be willing to still “check-in” every now and then with a couples’ therapy session. That’s what this is all about anyhow to make sure Paul and I are on the same page and to make sure we understand what we are feeling.

Of course, the road to healing is far from over. There will be many days that will remind Paul or myself of something related to the affair, perhaps our next block party this summer (when last year I chose to ditch it to see a concert with work friends and ending up seeing Brad there) and most definitely, our niece’s birthday, the infamous day, “September 20th,” the day that Paul will never forget the phone call he received from Lauren revealing the affair. But we will get through those days with the tools we have acquired for dealing with these uncomfortable situations and will become stronger still.

I don’t think that therapy necessarily needs to be forever, nor do I feel that therapy is for everyone or every situation. If it works and makes you feel better then all the power to you, if you’ve reached your goal and plateaued in your discussions, then maybe it’s time to move on. Let’s see what Paul has to say about this…

So, my therapist and I recently discussed this topic a bit. I admitted that sometimes, I didn’t even want to meet. I likened it to how, at times, I might not want to workout. We acknowledged that those can sometimes be the best workouts. For me, therapy serves different purposes. One, is a way to navigate work-related anxiety. I briefly met with a couple of different therapists a few years ago - before I knew of Sarah’s infidelity. Perhaps the most powerful difference that I can feel is now I recognize how guarded I was in those early sessions. My ego kept me from completely telling the whole truth about how I was feeling about a given situation. Since September 20th, 2022, my ego is shot. It doesn’t have the same strength. Therapy is helping to decide if this is a good or bad thing - I’ll try to keep our readers posted. Sarah going to therapy is her decision. I see the same value in it for her as I do for me. 

An excerpt from the article When Should You Stop Therapy? A Therapist Explains the End Game by Ryan Buxton :

“Your relationship with a therapist can be one of the most meaningful, insightful, and productive collaborations you’ll have in your life. But it should ultimately come to an end — and that’s by design.

‘Therapy isn’t supposed to be forever,” says licensed therapist Keir Gaines. “There is an endpoint.’
Coming to the conclusion of a therapeutic relationship can feel different than you might have expected.

‘Some people feel this impostor syndrome because they get the growth, but it doesn’t feel the way they thought it would,’ Gaines says. ‘They’re like the dog chasing the car that finally catches the car, sinks his teeth into the bumper, and now he’s like, ‘Oh, that’s it?’ But growth is not about the destination. It’s the journey.’
That said, unlike growth, therapy does have an endpoint. That could be 12 weeks, six months, a year, or perhaps longer — it really depends on what’s brought you to therapy and how much time it takes to unpack the issues you’re dealing with. Luckily, your therapist is the perfect guide for navigating that and breaking up these big-picture conversations into manageable pieces.

For example: ‘When we say the words ‘childhood trauma,’ it’s one thing, but if we compartmentalize it, it’s a million different little pieces for some people,” Gaines says. “It may take us three months to cope with one of those little pieces, and then it may take us 10 years to cope with another of those little pieces.’

Because progress is a continuum, it’s important to understand what will have changed when you reach the endpoint of your therapy. It’s less about solving every single problem and more about having the tools to deal with those problems when they rear their head.

‘Once you find a healthy way to cope with something, it doesn’t stop being an issue in your life. It’s never going to stop, but you’re able to deal with it in a way that’s more beneficial to your long-term mental and emotional health,’ Gaines says. ‘When you have the tools to self-regulate, then it’s time to start closing things out. It’s not about forever being in a space where we come together on this one issue. It’s about working on it enough to get to a place where you can self-sustain. You can tread water, and you’re not going to drown.’”

To check out the whole article go to:

When You Should Stop Therapy? A Therapist Explains the End Game