At Peace

Sorry that I have not posted in a while. Sometimes the end of the school year comes with a level of chaos that overwhelms me and I need a longer “off-ramp” than at other times. Obviously, this year threw some additional and unexpected curveballs at me and so maybe it took a little longer for me to really believe the school-year was over. 

Sarah and I recently had a couples therapy session. That discussion gave me some additional clarity on how I have been feeling lately. It has been a bit hard to put into words and I usually don’t say things like this for some misplaced fear of the “other shoe dropping” and thinking that it was a result of committing my feelings to air (or to this page) - but, I feel at peace. I think this discussion, which included some talk about how Sarah seems to monitor my phone activity more than I do hers (which I said I found odd) speaks to this feeling of peace.  

I feel like I have been reading so many self-help books, scrolling Instagram and expecting that through osmosis (or diffusion?) something someone else experienced or said would just sink beneath my skin and give me some new direction. I can say that I have never been so honed into the present - and I am enjoying it. I am trusting myself and caring for myself in different ways. I am actually stopping to take in the things I have done and accomplished - large or small. I feel like it has always been one thing after another without ever really taking stock to appreciate what has happened. 

At this moment, I credit a few things for what I’ll call this enhanced perspective. First, I do what my therapist says - which is to make sure that I do healthy things for myself. One of those things was to sign up for my first-ever triathlon sprint. I have jumped into this training “with both feet”. I got myself a coach, joined a team, and thanks to Sarah’s support, I have been dedicated to the training - I even completed my first open water swim this past Sunday morning.        

I love Sarah, but I know I have not loved myself enough. With our fifteenth wedding anniversary about a week away and almost a year after learning about Sarah’s infidelity, I feel this is worth celebrating.

Paul has told myself and our therapist that he truly feels better to be in his position as the one who was betrayed rather than in my position, as the betrayer. Paul says he is “at peace” with himself and the current situation as he has chosen to embrace the present and take care of himself mentally, physically and emotionally. For me, even though the first few weeks and months of the affair revelation were tumultuous and ravaging to say the least, I find myself struggling more now to find myself and find my place in this world after hurting Paul and breaking our marriage into pieces. I compare it to the deaths of my parents. The initial shock and raw emotions have worn off and now it’s time to face reality and face myself, alone, at times because Paul cannot understand the other side of the coin. I am facing someone everyday that I have disappointed tremendously and our relationship will never be the same. How can I learn to live again? How can I be myself again? How can I enjoy life again?